You were once in love – the kind of love that ran wild in your guts, like butterflies flitting around you – but now your toothbrush is spending more time intimately than you. And you started sharing the moments you swore you would never do. Fighting over dirty dishes, fighting over ownership of the remote control, or enduring breakfast in stoic silence.
But all couples argue and pout from time to time. So when is a fight just a fight, and when is it more than just a fight? Experts say there are three signs that an argument may mean you need couples counseling.
If you are doing any of these three things, you need couples therapy right away.
1. Driving avoidance pattern
You and your lover were once proverbially joined at the hip and you were stuck together so tightly that you experienced separation anxiety when he rolled to opposite sides of the bed. But these days, I come home as late as possible and rarely brush my elbows on the way home. Ah, a pattern like this could mean it’s time to seek help.
“Purposely leaving your home and seeking support from someone other than your partner” is another example of an insidious habit that requires outside help, he says. Dr. Terry Orbach (also known as “The Love Doctor”), psychologist and research professor at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research. What do you want to reveal? Why we started avoiding each other in the first place.
2. Capitalized “S” makes you feel stressed.
From sudden death to unexpected job loss, stressors can come out of nowhere and shake the foundations of even the strongest relationships. why? It’s not about the event itself, but about the reaction of those affected. Stress can turn a once-extroverted wife into a cold, introverted automaton or turn a once-thoughtful boyfriend into a distracted agitator. “One of the reasons couples come to counseling is because they can’t cope with stressful situations,” Orbach says. “Instead of coming together, they fall apart, retreat or turn their stress into anger.”
Good news? Therapy can teach each of you how to deal with stress as individuals so you can bounce back from setbacks and emerge as a stronger duo. But you don’t have to wait until your relationship is unstable to ask for help. “The biggest mistake people make is waiting until things go downhill,” says David, co-director of the Center for Marriage and Family Research at the University of Denver. fight for marriage. “If you invest a little time upfront, you increase your chances of having a successful and happy relationship later.”
3. Welcome a new family member
baby? Of course, for some people. But for others, a new baby can be an emotional earthquake that involves making diapers, drooling, and, well… distancing. The love a mother has for her child often takes precedence over the love she has for her husband. This is a natural but dangerous dynamic, Jacobs warns. “You’re obsessed with your child right now,” he explains.
“If your marriage is typical, [your husband] You are probably more devastated by the loss of your wife than by the loss of your husband. ” That translates into resentment and anger. And while your husband is busy without you, you’re likely to take on more household responsibilities and need an extra mouth to feed, too. Don’t you think it feels good to sit on someone else’s couch?
Doris Pinzer is a freelance writer and former YourTango contributor.