I have recurring fantasies about the beach, margaritas, and most importantly, my hunky husband. You know it’s a much-needed vacation. Like many couples, my husband and I long for alone time. It’s a time to relax, disconnect from everyday life, and really connect.
But my flight of fancy never goes off the rails. was canceled. every time.
The unfortunate reality is that we don’t go on romantic, luxurious vacations anytime soon for the same reasons we rarely splurge on fancy dates, expensive gifts, or exciting excursions: money and babies. That’s it. So without the thrilling prospect of a romantic vacation, where does the love part of this marriage remain?
The teamwork part has been resolved. Every day we are busy with housework and taking care of children. But for romance to survive in our marriages, we both need quality time and fun shared experiences. In our busy lives, this much-needed romantic connection can seem almost impossible.
Fortunately for us, and for most couples, it turns out that opportunities to enhance romance are more readily available than you might think. According to psychologist John Gottman, Ph.D., of the famous Love Lab, lasting love is nourished by small, everyday moments of connection.
that’s right. The quality of love in your relationship is determined by the build-up of each day, not an all-inclusive Mexican vacation. What exactly does he mean by this? Here, he shares three daily marital habits that will make your marriage last.
Here are three daily habits that are better for your marriage than a vacation.
1. Do small acts of kindness for each other.
according to Relationship expert Dr. Jack Ito, small acts of love and kindness go a long way. In his article “How to Show Love in a Marriage,” he writes that the big things we do in marriage only get us this far.
Working full time to pay the mortgage, cook meals, and care for children is necessary, expected, and tied to obligation. However, a little extra work is clearly something you do because you want to do it. Show your spouse that you are willing to put in the extra effort because they are worth it.
in 7 principles for a successful marriage, Dr. Gottman writes that Hollywood has distorted our concept of romantic love. “Watching Humphrey Bogart pull a teary-eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms may make your heart flutter, but real-life romance is inspired by more mundane scenes.” And every time you let your spouse know that they are valued, it lives on.”
When I think about it, when my husband does the simplest things for me, like fixing my dinner plate or texting me during the day to let me know how I’m doing. I feel so loved when I do. Or when he did small things to help me as a mother. Almost every morning, Kyle brings his baby to me with a clean diaper. That’s love, my friend.
2. Make time to say “yes” to each other every day.
For busy couples, time is the enemy. But time spent on positive interactions with your spouse is non-negotiable.
As Dr. Gottman writes, “Husbands and wives continually try to get each other’s attention, whether by introducing topics of conversation or making implicit requests, and most successfully… Couples who are in this relationship are those who continually “focus” on their partner. ” I think they say “yes” to each other’s requests for attention, companionship, and love. Dr. Gottman says these daily interactions help build a bank of love and trust.
I am now thinking about my bid for the attention and connection that I missed last week. Kyle spent hours digging and mulching the garden. Many times during the process he asked me if I had seen the latest one he had completed. At least twice, I said, “No, I haven’t seen it,” and continued folding the laundry.
Finally I understood what he wanted. He wanted to share his experience with me and see if his work satisfied me. So since then, I have made the trek to the backyard several times. I found meaningful moments of connection in the joy of spring gardening.
3. Establish love rituals and daily marriage habits
There’s something powerful about creating an element of “just us” in a relationship.as Couples Therapist Zach Brittle They say rituals are a way to ensure your relationship is unique. Rituals are regular activities and traditions you share as a couple that help strengthen your bond.
If you’re like me, you have a love-hate relationship with Netflix. I’d rather spend my downtime reading a book, but honestly, watching something together is one of the best rituals Kyle and I share.
As soon as the last girl is in bed, we run to the sofa and start the current show. We really bond through the whole process. It may sound like I’m defending hardcore habits, but I am. The ritual we have established is to spend our evenings winding down together and sharing things we both enjoy.
When you finally go on that dreamy vacation, you already want to take a lot of love and trust to the bank.
I want to cherish every inside joke and history of thoughtfulness and goodwill. I want an overwhelming feeling that this cute husband is my partner in life and love. That way, it will be a meaningful vacation.
Gottman Institute Our approach to relationship health was developed from 40 years of groundbreaking research with thousands of couples.
This article was originally published at: Gottman Institute. Reprinted with permission from the author.