Healthy relationships always have problems. Where do you start when learning how to avoid completely destroying your marriage?
Are you wondering, “Is my relationship healthy?” Are you worried that your marriage or relationship is in so much trouble that it will be too late to recover and fall in love again?
Just like your physical health, your relationships require daily attention to stay healthy.
Marriages are not without relationship problems. But that doesn’t mean couples don’t make potentially fatal mistakes. And they don’t realize it.
It’s never too late to resolve issues and maintain a successful marriage or relationship. First, you need to start by knowing what these mistakes are, and then start cultivating love and intimacy in your relationship.
Here are three deadly mistakes that can ruin a marriage and how to fix them.
1. Deep conflict behind the scenes
Many of us think that if we ignore conflict, it will go away on its own. This is understandable. After all, if the bitter feud seems to have died down, we probably don’t want to continue fanning the flames.
Even if the heat of the moment seems to have ignited into a mere ember, what we don’t realize is that the contempt can be smoldering beneath the surface within our partners for months afterwards. That’s it. It can lead to passive-aggressiveness and further sabotage the bond you both value.
Let’s zoom in on the scene showing this.
Paul and Stacey both worked long hours and spent their breaks apart. And although they were friendly, they started to feel like roommates and grew further and further apart.
They didn’t share their feelings. They pretended everything was fine, but beneath the surface they felt lonely and resentful. That was “easier”.
One day he asked her to run a small errand and she became furious with him.
They threw insults at each other until they were exhausted. And he slept on the couch for several days.
Then they had a hot make-out intimacy. She said, “I think the solution is to fight more often. Then at least we can be serious about each other!”
Unfortunately, when couples stay in a cycle of conflict, fighting, and avoiding reconciliation, the fights become more hurtful over time, and the marriage slowly disintegrates in the process.
But there are other ways to create passion. You need to share your feelings before it turns into a big argument.
But when couples try to share their feelings, they often make the second fatal mistake:
2. Blaming your partner for your problems
Let’s be honest, sometimes the partner is wrong. If we change their negative behavior, things will get better, right? The question is, what makes people want to change?
When you criticize your partner’s behavior, even if it’s causing problems, how do you think it affects them? To answer this, how do you feel when they criticize you? Do you feel it?
What would you do if your loved one got angry at you and said, “You don’t clean up after yourself! What’s wrong?” How would you react? Perhaps you feel attacked and dominated, and then wonder why you criticize or ignore them.
Now let’s turn it over. You want someone to adjust your behavior. Even if you criticize your loved one for a “better” way, it won’t motivate them to change. Because while people may be motivated by rules and punishment in the short term, it comes at the expense of your love and connection.
But what motivates your spouse to change is the same thing that motivated them to do the wonderful things they did for you when you fell in love.
Remember when you were deeply in love and doing something that made the other person feel good automatically made you feel better? You can get that feeling back and learn how in this article I’ll explain later.
3. Try to win the argument
So you might say, “So what if my style isn’t really blaming my spouse?” That’s a valid point. Even if you didn’t blame someone, have you ever tried to prove that you were right during an argument? It’s human nature. Being wrong just feels bad, right?
That’s the important point. Suppose you win and your partner feels wrong. It’s almost guaranteed to be a fun and spicy evening after this. (I had to learn this the hard way.)
You know how it feels when you’re both so in sync and enjoying each other’s company? If you try to win, you give it up. When this happens, the couple feels hurt and separated.
There are always two sides and two perspectives.
What you want is to create a win-win solution that meets both of your needs. That way, you’ll both be on the same team. Perhaps now is a good time to reveal how.
Now that you know these three deadly mistakes, here are three ways to save your marriage and keep your relationship healthy.
1. Share your feelings and needs and make time to talk about them
One of the best ways to prevent the landmines of conflict from derailing a lifelong love is to communicate with courage. This means challenging yourself to let out what you need and feel.
You may feel vulnerable at first. With practice, this will become easier and you can save your marriage.
For example, “Honey, when you leave dishes in the sink, I feel stressed out because of all the things we have to do together, even though I want to trust you and relax more. How can we get together?” Can you solve this?” please ask.
Then, after you’ve opened up lines of communication, continue by saying, “Thank you for listening. How can I make it easier for both of us to wash the dishes or put them in the dishwasher?” Let’s look at.
2. Appreciate all the good things your partner does.
As explained before, people who do something out of criticism are not motivated in the long run. behavioral research Demonstrates the power and effectiveness of positive reinforcement for long-term behavior change.
Sometimes our pride gets in the way of pointing out the good deeds of our loved ones. Especially if we are angry at them. If we don’t break free from this spell, our relationship will be ruined.
Giving someone positive reinforcement is not a way of saying, “I’m annoyed by you, so now I’m going to tell you how great you are.”
Instead, say, “Regardless of whether I was mad at you or not, I’m going to change our relationship by telling you what I like. And whenever you show it. , I’ll start by thanking you for that action.”
If you try to find good things that are already happening around you and direct your spouse’s attention to them, then every day becomes an opportunity to turn your relationship into a more blissful place. What you value will be valued.
3. Connect every day with things other than logistics
Some spouses stop nurturing the romance and get stuck in a rut where they treat their marriage like a business.
Healthy relationships and marriages require a balance of collaborative decision-making and joyful moments such as fun, joy, laughter, silliness, or shared stories. You can restore balance to your relationship by creating more highly connected moments like this that bring you together.
No matter how busy you are, there are many ways to create a positive experience for the person you are married to or in a relationship with.
These make you feel like you’re on the same team again and want to do things for each other out of love rather than obligation.
Isn’t that the goal?
So if you want to bring joy back into your marriage or relationship, try the following:
- Spend five minutes giving and receiving loving touches, such as rubbing their feet or stroking their faces.
- Create ways to connect before you leave and when you get home, even if it’s just to share what you’re looking forward to or ask your spouse about the highlights of their day.
- Even if your bedtimes are different, get into the habit of connecting for a few minutes before bed. You can talk about what you are grateful for and what you would like to dream about. Pillow talk helps you get out of your head and feel connected.
If you’ve tried these tips and are wondering if they work, it may help to know that many marriages have been revived thanks to these tips.
Deciding that today is the day to start implementing some new direction in your relationship can become an easy habit that will last your love a lifetime.
valerie green I am a relationship mentor, certified life coach, certified NLP master practitioner, and owner of Vitality Coaching. Since her 2005, she has gained experience helping women attract and keep lasting love.
This article was originally published at: Valerie Green website. Reprinted with permission from the author.