You know the punch line to all his jokes. You are that couple sitting in a restaurant without saying a word. I never thought I’d end up pretending to have a headache at bedtime. “You can’t change anything about how you feel,” one of the women in my office tearfully told me. “The magic is gone.”
“Sooner or later, most partners hit an emotional wall,” I told her. “Now your real married life begins.” Once you have passed the first stage madly in love On stage, you have the opportunity to discover the realistic blend of friendship and true intimacy that is the hallmark of long-term, happy marriages.
Author Robert Johnson describes this type of relationship as follows: “Love Stirring Oatmeal” In contrast to the instant euphoria you get from eating a forkful of chocolate marble cheesecake, it’s calming and deeply nourishing.
Here are three ways to restore the sparkle to your marriage.
1. Get out of your comfort zone.
Remember when two people had fun together in their dating days? Often, couples settle into a routine where one person watches the game while you play. words with friendsrun errands, do house repairs, and party with the crowd.
Sure, it’s comfortable, but there’s nothing like going beyond your four walls to create a sense of shared adventure and remind yourself of what’s special about you as a couple. That doesn’t mean you have to plan an expensive vacation. Take a walk around your neighborhood or on a hiking trail you’ve never seen before. Try a new sport or volunteer at a local food pantry.
Photo: Alexander Khmelov, via Shutterstock
2. Focus on valuing the small and simple things.
Maybe he usually makes dinner, you do the dishes, he takes out the trash, and you vacuum. You are like a well-oiled machine that everyone takes for granted. Focus on smaller, more personal acts of generosity. This could mean bringing each other coffee, volunteering to walk the dog, or offering a hug when your partner isn’t expecting it.
national marriage project I recently reported it A couple reaching out like this They are much more likely to describe their marriages as “very happy.” Appreciate your partner’s small kindnesses with a smile and gratitude, and try to watch each other’s spirits light up.
3. Deal with conflict.
In a successful relationship, you have to let go of certain things or be patient about it, but that’s not the same as being a punching bag Important issues that need to be addressed safely and rationally. Habitually blocking disagreements instead of working through them hardens the arteries in a marriage.
Do you work on household chores every night after work while your spouse plays a fantasy sports league? Do they react defensively or go completely silent when you try to talk about a problem? Perhaps the two of you need to develop more constructive ways of managing conflict.
Revitalizing a stalled marriage takes time and effort, but I see couples doing it every day. You need to change your focus from asking, “What has my partner done for me lately?” “How can we work together to reinvigorate this relationship?”
Working together as a team to revitalize your marriage can do wonders. The big surprise? Over time, you will find yourself liking your partner again.
Gene Fitzpatrick is a marriage counselor and psychotherapist who has served couples and individuals in the New York area for over 20 years. As a relationship therapist, Jean helps busy people expand their relationship toolkit and discover new ways to connect with the people they love.