I pulled myself out of destructive relationships and dismantled myself through therapy, coaching, and intensive self-improvement work, but in my first healthy relationship, I was a mess.
Here’s what I discovered and have been reminded of many times since:
Healing is a cyclical process, not a linear one.
This means that even if you’ve put in a lot of work, something may trigger you to need to recover again. However, the frequency, duration, and intensity decrease, at least over time.
Why people have a hard time forming healthy relationships
I struggled because I had never been in a healthy relationship before and everything felt…weird.
Some people struggle because they don’t have role models for healthy relationships or because some of their past relationships were emotionally, physically, or psychologically abusive. It can also be difficult to recognize healthy behaviors because we have become accustomed to unhealthy expectations and behaviors.
Others may have trouble communicating, setting boundaries, and self-care. Or you may have internalized negative messages or beliefs such as, “I am unloved. Any relationship I am involved in will be toxic.”
Here are four insane things I did after my first healthy relationship.
1. I was grateful that my partner didn’t yell at me.
While on a date, my now-husband hit a curb with his truck and got a flat tire.
It was cold, dark and raining. It’s definitely not the best time to change apartments. I immediately got nervous and waited for him to yell or scream at me. My ex-husband would often verbally abuse me at the slightest inconvenience, so I was trying to build a life that wouldn’t anger her husband, and was wasting too much energy into relationships. I was always failing.
After the apartment changed and we were warm and cozy in his truck again, I was grateful to my partner for not yelling.
“Aren’t you yelling?” he asked. “Why on earth did I yell at you?”
“Because… it was really the worst?” I offered it as an explanation.
“Yeah, but it’s not your fault, and even if it were, I wouldn’t treat you like that!” he said.
For the first time, I realized that I was habituating very unhealthy behaviors. Positive experiences like this helped me set new standards for relationships. This included recognizing freedom from abuse as a minimum acceptable condition in relationships.
2. I feel physically uncomfortable when my partner is “too” nice to me.
In previous marriages and, to be honest, in my own childhood, the kindness and generosity of others often came at a cost I could hardly have predicted.
Therefore, I could not believe in the generosity of others. There was always a string attached. Often the price is not what I want to pay.
I found that every time my partner was “too” kind to me, I was too nervous to appreciate or be excited about his kindness. ”
When facing these emotions, I find it helpful to take a deep breath and affirm myself positively. Say things like, “I deserve kindness. I am a lovable person. My partner shows that he cares about me by giving without expectations.”
It took a while, but eventually I was able to find a new normal.
3. Pick a fight every time you feel things are “boring”
Being constantly around chaos can make us fear calm.
This was reality for me. My previous relationships involved a cycle of disgusting abuse. During a fight, adrenaline and cortisol are released, then you make up, then making up increases dopamine and oxytocin, and then you fall out again. Then the cycle begins again.
Also called bond of trauma, this is a particularly addictive cycle in relationships. We start craving the dopamine rush, which we know happens after a fight, so we might just go ahead and choose one or the other.
By having a relationship with a healthy partner, this pattern just…went nowhere. He would sometimes stop me and say, “Do you want to take a break? I’m going to the office. If you want to talk, I’ll be there.”
It was infuriating at first. My brain was screaming for dopamine, but…he wasn’t going to go there with me. Once he was able to collect himself (deep breathing, writing in a journal, and taking walks work for me), I went to tell him what happened. And I got what I actually needed: a hug and some kind of assurance.
4. They relentlessly looked for red flags and sometimes even made them up.
When we’re in an unhealthy relationship, we often have a hard time trusting ourselves. I felt cheated, deceived, and downright stupid for continuing to date an unhealthy partner even after I found out he was unhealthy.
I was engrossed in reading articles with titles like “X red flags to watch out for when dating a new partner.” Articles like this may be helpful, but constantly looking for red flags has led me to believe that they are just there like an oasis in the desert.
Did they actually exist? no.
My current husband is by no means perfect. He had some “red flags”, but everyone has them so it turned out to be no deal breaker. My big red flag was that I definitely needed to work on my trauma more.
The useful thing I did was to question those thoughts. Once you think you see a red flag, start building evidence to see if it supports it. I’m not going to confront him about it during this process. I’ll just wait and observe. In many cases, there wasn’t enough evidence to support these red flags, so we were able to ignore them completely.
If any of the above apply to you and you’re trying to get into your first healthy relationship, give yourself some grace.
It’s easy to shame yourself by telling yourself, “I should be better.” Realize that it’s all part of the healing process and that you’re experiencing something completely new. That’s good. Be kind to yourself and know that I and many others are going through the same thing.
Tara Blair Balls is a certified relationship coach and podcast co-host of the show Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse. She is also the author of her three books: thank you for the love, couple goals diaryand Retrieval and Recovery: Healing from a Toxic Relationship.
This article was originally published at: Moderate. Reprinted with permission from the author.