Written by Jenna Birch
Hurt feelings, anger, lots of tears…and lots of questions. A lot of questions arise about whether you made the right decision to let go of the relationship. Even though many years have passed, your mind may still remember the old days.
If you’re starting to think about reaching out to your ex to get back together, stop and think about how to move forward. We asked experts to find out the real reason why women admire their ex-girlfriends. Spoiler alert: None of this is because he’s “that guy.”
Here are four painfully honest reasons why you can’t stop thinking about your ex.
1. You feel lonely
Dating Coach Based in Boston Neely Steinberg He says loneliness is probably the most common reason ex-lovers get back together. “But that’s not a good reason, especially if it’s the only reason,” she says.
It’s only natural to miss your ex-lover, who was probably a big part of your life for a while. But before you feel the urge to get back together with your ex, it’s important to be careful when you’re thinking about them. Is it when you’re lonely or when you’re having the best time of your life?
“When you’re happy and doing something you really enjoy, shouldn’t you wish he was next to you and you could share those moments with him?” Steinberg asks. If all you think about is him when you’re feeling down and depressed, don’t call him.
“Remember how alone you felt in that relationship,” says Steinberg. “There’s nothing more lonely than being in the wrong relationship.”
2. I feel bored
If your love life lacks passion, you may find yourself thinking about your ex-lover’s company. But that’s purely to fill space, Steinberg says.
“The problem is, this only takes away your time and energy from focusing on yourself and actively getting back into the dating world and giving other men a chance,” she says.
Boredom may also be hiding other problems. “Your own intimacy or commitment issues may be at play, so you may feel that staying together doesn’t work out, rather than going back to where you were and starting anew with someone who may be a better fit.” It’s easier to get back in touch with people you know,” Steinberg explains. “And that’s something you have to face alone.”
3. I’m afraid he’s the best person I’ve ever found.
The reason for this tends to rear its ugly head after a breakup, no new connections, and a few bad dates.
“Sometimes a woman convinces herself that he is the best person for her,” Steinberg says. “Maybe her clock is moving forward and that’s adding to the pressure. Maybe she’s worried about returning to society and facing rejection from other men, or having to start anew in the dating world.” After all, there are so many unknowns about dating, and it can be daunting.”
But you should do it anyway. Love should make you feel happy and safe. If you broke up with your ex, there may be reasons why it wasn’t for you. If you think your standards were too high at the time and you believe they deserve a second chance, make two lists. One that states all the good and bad things about past relationships, and the other that states what you’re really looking for.
“Compare your lists,” she advises. “It’s a good time to remind yourself why it’s not worth going back, why your needs are important and should be respected, and why it’s better to be single than to work a stifling and draining job.” I guess.”
4. I don’t like the idea of sunk costs.
Think of your previous relationship like a business. You will need money that you will not be able to recover after you have already spent it. “You look at this relationship in terms of all the time and energy and heart and tears and conversations you’ve put into this relationship and think, ‘How could I let this relationship go when I’ve given so much to it? You might think, ‘What?’” Steinberg said.
But when it comes to matters of the heart, consider the investment you make in that person as an investment in learning more about your partner and what you need in a relationship.
“How would you know if you had no such experience?” Steinberg asks. “In business, you can’t get your money back, and in relationships, you can’t get time back. It’s just a matter of understanding what you need and applying those learnings when meeting new people.”
When you think about your ex, it’s easy to mistake those thoughts for destined love. It’s natural to try to avoid discomfort (being alone) or fear (entering the dating world). But the sooner you can put an end to the past, the sooner you can open yourself to brand new experiences.
Jenna Birch is a freelance journalist and author of the following books: The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win at Life and Love. Her work regularly appears in publications such as SELF, Washington Post, Vogue, Harper’s Bazaar, Well+Good, Huffington Post, and Man Repeller.
This article was originally published at: self. Reprinted with permission from the author.