Couples are encouraged to seek couples therapy in the face of pressing issues such as abuse, family fusion, and who will do the housework. But what happens when therapy fails to address relationship issues? What options do you have?
At the age of 42, with two children in elementary school, Mary Ann Lowry was diagnosed with a chronic pain disorder. Laurie explains that her husband had a hard time accepting his illness. “He was trying to convince me to be healthy and he was often verbally abusive,” she says. “Therapists tried to make him understand that illness, death, and pain are part of life. He was unable to accept my physical limitations and, despite my best efforts, , therapists were unable to help me overcome the difficult situation “I was reluctant to accept my health condition.” When I finally had to quit my job and go on full disability, he couldn’t support that decision. ”
Despite spending money, time, and effort in counseling to work on my marriage, I was unsuccessful.
Laurie and her husband sought individual and couples counseling on and off for 11 years, but their marriage still ended.
IG Frederick went through a similar situation. “I signed up for couples counseling thinking it might help repair our 20-year relationship. Instead, I was convinced that my marriage was irreparably broken,” Frederick said. “We found out that our choice of counselor might not have been the best. We found out that she is Courtney Love’s mother and has been divorced three or four times herself.” explained.
Irina Baranov of the Relationship Council has seen several cases where therapy didn’t work for couples. There are many reasons, but Baranoff points to five key factors that make successful treatment difficult.
Here are 5 painfully honest reasons why couples therapy doesn’t work.
1. When couples do “couples” work, they need to recover individually from past trauma and abuse.
2. One partner is forcing the other partner against his or her will.
3. When the goals of treatment are unclear
4. Couples don’t feel comfortable discussing intimate details with strangers in a small room
5. If the therapy or therapist is not a good fit for the couple.
“Treatment is not suitable for everyone,” Baranoff says. But there are other options.local organizations like human relations council, churches, hospitals, and community centers often offer marriage seminars and classes for couples. Bookstores are often filled with books and DVDs that provide tools to help couples get through difficult phases in their relationships.
Baranoff also suggests couples make time for each other and seek out new experiences together. “There is no substitute for spending uninterrupted time alone with your partner to simply focus on each other and show interest, attention, love, and affection,” Baranoff said. [And] Doing something new together, whether it’s traveling, cooking, language or art class, tends to strengthen your bond. ”
marilyn bernicke belegem M.Ed., a registered marriage and family therapist, suggests that before couples seek counseling, find a good therapist, assess their qualifications and biases, and find out where the therapist is coming from doing. “Therapists are people too, and sometimes therapists and couples don’t get along, and that’s okay,” Berehem explains.
Other times, the entire failure lies in the way you define your words. Frederick explains: “Through counseling, I was able to accept the ‘failure’ of my marriage, which was very difficult for me to accept. I am now very happy with my new life.”
Lyz Baranowski is a writer and editor whose work has appeared in Guideposts, Real Weddings, The Contemporary Reader, The Des Moines Register, and Cedar Rapids Gazette.