Do you have a problem with your partner not understanding you? Well, there may be some things that are unclear. And you probably don’t realize that your communication skills are the cause of these misunderstandings.
A healthy relationship involves going through a journey of clear and open interpersonal communication, but this isn’t possible if you or your partner have very specific habits that impair your communication. .
Here are five relationship habits that mean your communication skills need work.
1. You assume your partner understands you or knows what you want.
Assumptions prevent honest communication and lead to unhealthy relationships. why? Because they are usually in your head and not spoken out loud. How often do you think your partner understands what you’re talking about? Probably a lot.
“I think you understand what I’m talking about,” you don’t openly say or ask, but that’s what’s going on in your mind. Or maybe they think they know what you’re going to say. How often do you do that?
And assume they know what you want even if you don’t express it openly. This is the perfect scenario for you to fall victim when they don’t give you what you want.
Assumptions and not speaking them out loud are some of the biggest communication barriers and can cause confusion in a relationship and a huge disconnect between you and your partner. You feel unloved and ununderstood. Your partner is confused. They don’t understand what they didn’t do or say.
Assuming that your partner reads your mind and knows what you want without having to talk about it can create feelings of rejection and unlovedness, but still, they can’t tell you what you want. You are the one who is creating that feeling by not communicating it. You can’t expect your partner to always know what you want. This is a standard that even the best of partners cannot achieve.
How to change this habit: The first thing you need to do is realize that you have an assumption. The second thing is to say it out loud. If you put your assumptions out there, your partner may deny or agree.
If you have a preference, please make it clear. For example, “I want you to buy me chocolates on the way home.” It’s simple, clear, and free from the ordinary. Better than assuming he will.
2. You have a lot of unspoken expectations.
Another big factor in communication skills is expectations.
We expect him to take out the trash every Thursday night. We expect him to clean up in the kitchen when he makes his own drinks. We expect her to take her laundry to the dry cleaners. Yet how often can we clearly say that this is what we want? As infrequently as possible.
Again, these conversations usually take place in our heads and are never said out loud to our partners. We think of them assuming that our partners only know our expectations based on the relationship and our unique personalities. But that’s not the case.
It also increases emotional expectations. We expect him to hold us when we’re feeling down. We expect her to be understanding when we come home from her work after a busy day.
Unspoken expectations can make us feel unloved, uncared for, and sometimes very alone. That’s why communication is so important in human relationships. You may also find yourself turning inward and communicating less than usual when your expectations aren’t met.
How to change this habit: Learn how to communicate better and realize when you’re not speaking out loud and expecting others. Next, speak out loud. Be aware that your partner may tell you that they can’t meet your expectations and notice your reaction to that.
The best response is to be completely unfazed when the other person tells you that they can’t meet your expectations. You may not be able to go there, and that’s okay.
3. Don’t say what you want to say out loud.
Probably not. Not always, anyway. So what’s holding you back? Is there a story going on where you can’t get what you want? Or it may be due to the fact that you are not clear about what you want.
Thinking that you can’t get what you want is common not only for women, but perhaps for men as well. It stems from a childhood where you couldn’t get what you wanted and then believed you would never get what you wanted.
And if you believe this long enough, you end up shutting down your own desires. If you ask me what I want now, I can’t answer.
If you don’t speak openly and honestly about what you want out loud, you’ll feel unworthy, which will affect your relationship by making your partner get or do more of what they want. You may be jealous of them because they define their desires and go after them. All the while, you’re stuck in your head and resentful about why they didn’t give you what you needed.
Maybe you do that sometimes do You always lose out because you want what you want and your partner wants something different. Not saying what you mean out loud can cause a lot of tension and conflict in your relationships. And it can eventually lead to a breakup.
How to change this habit: Take the time to be clear about what you want. This may not be easy at first if you have a deep-seated belief that you can’t get what you want. Ask yourself, “If I could have what I wanted, what would it be?”
Be open to saying what you want to say out loud. And think about what it would mean for you and your partner to go your separate ways. That is, you do what you want and he does what he wants. That’s okay and healthy for your relationship.
4. You can’t say, “No, that doesn’t work for me.”
Saying “no” is not easy for several reasons. You may think that saying “no” will hurt your partner’s feelings, so you might say “yes” instead and then regret it.
Because of your childhood or upbringing, you may have been told that saying “no” is not okay. That’s not a bad thing, but it’s something to be aware of. Or maybe you’re so needy that you can’t or won’t say “no.”
You need to be with your partner. You want them to do what you want, so they do what they want, believing that if you reciprocate, they will do anything for you and for you. Yet deep down you may feel disrespected, unhappy, ignored, and unable to get what you want. You may think you’ll never get what you want because you can’t say no.
How to change this habit: Notice that you’re saying “yes” when you really want to say “no.” Ask yourself why you can’t say no. Now, let’s dig deeper and focus on past events that may have caused your inability to say “no.”
Then practice saying, “No, that doesn’t work for me” and see what happens. It’s not easy to use these words the first time. Because you want to justify why it won’t work. And that’s the beginning.
This is about learning, little by little, how to be more clear in your communication. It may take some time to reach this step, but the good news is that you are actively trying and working to improve your relationship.
5. You don’t realize how unclear you are.
Yes, this is to be expected. But it’s not always easy.
We are used to not listening to ourselves. They don’t listen to what they say or don’t say. There are voices in our heads that tell us we don’t need or want certain things, and we convince ourselves that our desires don’t matter.
If you communicated and didn’t get the response you expected, this might be the perfect time to realize what you just said.
How to change this habit: Notice if there were any expectations you didn’t voice, or assumptions you made that you didn’t express. Notice if you’re saying “yes” but internally screaming “no!”
The clearer your communication, the stronger your relationship will be and the closer you and your partner will feel both emotionally and physically. But what you have to do is undo the patterned behavior that may have been in your subconscious since childhood. And it all starts with taking the right steps.
Karen Cherett is a relationship coach, life coach, and holistic counselor who works with individuals to help them communicate more clearly.