Human relationships are difficult. As more people understand what polyamory is and how non-monogamous relationships can be beneficial, having an open relationship is becoming an interesting option.
Some say monogamy is overrated. Some believe it’s the only way.
After my divorce, I decided I should try different relationship styles to figure out exactly what I wanted.
I’ve been in a committed relationship for most of my adult life, and somehow jumping into another felt strange.
“If this doesn’t work, why doesn’t something else have exactly the same result?” I asked myself.
Of course, that’s just my brain talking after the breakup.
A committed monogamous relationship is great, but I was ready to try something new.
When I first entered the world of open relationships, I asked Google a few questions. “What exactly is an open relationship?” How do I find someone interested in a polyamorous relationship? What books should I read about polyamory and the like? What if I don’t want to be?
Google did not disappoint me and provided me with at least a billion different links to read (seriously).
Several books followed.My friend also recommended reading. mating in captivitytry to feel both sides of this volatile coin.
Soon, I found a new relationship and shared with him the books I was reading.
I cringed a bit, waiting for his reaction to my proposal for an open relationship, even though we’d only known each other for a few months.
But to my surprise, he was open to it. I was excited, but as it turns out, I wasn’t prepared for what it was really like.
Here are five things that are hard to talk about that I wish I had known before agreeing to an open relationship.
1. The basics of healthy communication are important
Relationships bring out all sorts of emotions and feelings, and that happens before you add an extra person.
If you struggle with healthy communication, i.e. not yelling, name-calling, shaming, passive-aggressiveness, etc., adding other relationships into the mix can help change the situation. It might just make it worse.
For couples who already have problems, opening up their relationship isn’t necessarily the answer.
Healthy communication should be the starting point.
Do you really want to be in this basic relationship? If so, why would you want an open relationship?
2. Set some ground rules in advance
Are there any deal breakers when it comes to open relationships?
Maybe you only want it to be open at certain times, such as when visiting a club.
Or maybe you’re okay with primarily physical dates, but object to your partner having a more romantic, intimate relationship with someone else.
Intimate relationships may be okay, but sleeping over at each other’s homes is not.
Whatever your MO is, say it out loud. Your partner won’t know your needs if you don’t share them.
3. The idea of your partner being intimate with someone else is easier to accept than actually dealing with it in real time.
That communication comes in handy here.
Before stepping into the realm of open relationships, it’s essential to set some ground rules.
But even if you talk about all the things that might make you uncomfortable, BAM! — Something you never expected will come back to haunt you.
It’s part of the deal and something we have to work out together.
When we first entered into another relationship, I asked my partner to tell me about the first time he was intimate with another person.
I didn’t expect the sadness I felt, but it was important for me to feel it in order to make an informed choice about whether or not to do this.
4. Have confidence in yourself as a person
This seems obvious, and others may not have a hard time with this, but sometimes my partner shares things with me about another partner (the other partner’s Please communicate if you want to hear about it), and what was being shared was completely the opposite of our relationship.
An inner critic began to bubble up in my head: “She’s better than you, she’s prettier, she’s more fun.”
Beat that critic and love yourself because you are enough.
Your partner’s love for someone else does not make you any less of a person.
I don’t want to be like everyone else and neither should you.
If you have concerns like, “What if my partner decides to stay with that person?” put them to the forefront of your mind and acknowledge them.
None of us have any obligation to anyone else.
If our partner, or we, decide to leave the relationship, that’s okay. It’s okay to move on. And when that loss occurs, it’s okay to grieve it.
5. Know that everything is temporary.
I often have an all-or-nothing mentality (maybe it’s the Scorpio in me).
When I say that everything is temporary, I mean that things change every second of every day.
Some things are out of our control and some things are not.
If something isn’t working, speak up. Change it.
If you were comfortable before, but are no longer comfortable, say so.
Just because you choose a path doesn’t mean it’s certain.
If you or your partner wants to continue this lifestyle and the other one doesn’t, that’s okay.
It may mean having to walk away from the relationship, or it may mean redrawing boundaries that everyone feels comfortable with.
Being in an open relationship isn’t right for everyone.
I grew up in a very strict and closed area and never knew such a thing existed.
If you want, consider considering the idea, especially if it’s something that has intrigued you in the past.
If you decide to try an open relationship, treat yourself with compassion, patience, openness, and maybe a healthy dose of humor (because it makes for a good story).
Maybe you just like it. Or maybe not. But that’s the beautiful thing about life. You can change your mind at any time.
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This article was originally published at: pop sugar. Reprinted with permission from the author.