Breakups can be incredibly painful. If you’re trying to get back on your feet after a breakup and feel attached to your ex, you may find it hard to feel for them, focus on what they’re doing, talk to them, or understand what happened. I wish I had a bath. Taking steps to help yourself is the key to getting over your ex. Let’s move on.
Here are five things you should stop doing to move on after a breakup.
1. Reach out to your ex.
After a breakup, it’s common to want to reach out and talk to your ex. It can temporarily distract you from the pain of the breakup, so you may want to feel close again, get answers, yell at them, hug them, be there for them.
That being said, it’s important to gain some distance from your ex in order to move on. In many cases, cutting off contact completely makes it much easier over time to grieve the breakup and move on.
2. I’m looking for information about your ex.
It is very common to look for information about what an ex-lover is currently up to through mutual friends or social media. For example, who they are dating, what they are doing, where they are, and how they are emotionally. However, this will ultimately keep you focused on your ex and won’t help you move on in the long run.
3. Sleep with your ex.
Sex during a breakup is a complicated topic. If you are in love with someone, sex is usually associated with some kind of emotion or expression of love towards another person. But for many, sex has nothing to do with love. It has to do with having an orgasm, feeling powerful, or being wanted..
If you’re trying to break up with your ex, sleeping with him, touching him, or having sexual relations with him can make it harder. If you’re attached to your ex, sex with a new partner may be the trigger. Not only does it psychologically remind you of the breakup, but sex/touch/orgasm gives you a neurobiological high that can make you want your ex again if you haven’t gotten over them yet.
4. Act impulsively.
Impulsive actions occur without foreknowledge of the consequences and are usually done in the moment of an emotional reaction. Things like texting late at night when you’re feeling especially angry or sad, doing last-minute shopping when you’re excited, or drinking alcohol to calm your nerves.
When you want to reach out in a moment of panic or pain, pause before taking immediate action. Wait until you are aware of your feelings and think about what you want to do in response to your feelings before contacting your ex-lover.
5. Thinking unhelpful thoughts.
Generally, when we are in a relationship, we have very positive thoughts about the other person. That is, the kind where they are the best and enrich your life in a meaningful way. Even after a breakup, it’s easy to remain attached to that person as someone you need or want to feel happy with again. For example, you may hold onto false beliefs that your ex is the best, that you’ll never get over your ex, or that no one will need you in the future.
Cognitive-behavioral techniques can help you challenge these false beliefs and replace them with empowering and self-enhancing beliefs about yourself and your future.
The naked truth: Breakups are hard.
The best thing you can do to move on is to stop focusing on your ex and start focusing on yourself. Who are you? What do you care about? What do you want in your life?
Additionally, there are many therapeutic skills you can learn to let go of your ex and create the next great phase of your life.
Dr. Courtney Warren She is a board-certified clinical psychologist and an expert in the practice of addiction, eating disorders, self-deception, and psychotherapy from a cross-cultural perspective.
This article was originally published at: Dr. Courtney Warren. Reprinted with permission from the author.