Written by Kyle Benson
Not all relationship problems can be solved by reading a book, attending a weekend workshop, or signing up for couples therapy. That said, learning what separates happy couples from unhappy ones can change the direction of how you and your partner love.
Seemingly insignificant changes in the trajectory of your relationship can have a huge impact over time. The problem is that you need to build on the positive changes you’ve already made to avoid falling back into old negative patterns.
That’s the question we asked ourselves when we followed couples who attended the Art and Science of Love weekend workshop in Seattle. “Are there any noticeable differences between couples whose marriages continued to improve over time and those whose marriages did not?”
You might think that successful couples would have made dramatic changes to their marriages. This is not what we discovered.
Surprisingly, they spent only six hours a week socializing. How these couples divided up these six hours varied depending on their focus and areas of improvement, but we noticed some clear patterns.
If you spend 6 hours a week doing these 6 things, you’ll build better relationships.
1. Farewell
Before saying goodbye in the morning, happy couples make an effort to learn what’s going on in their partner’s life that day. This could be a scheduled lunch with your best friend, a doctor’s appointment, or a phone call with your parents. The goal is to ask questions about your partner’s day and learn about the things they enjoy and the things they don’t.
Time allocation: 10 minutes per week (2 minutes per day x 5 business days)
2. Reunion
When you reunite with your partner at the end of the day, share at least a six-second hug and kiss. Dr. Gottman calls this the “potential kiss.” A six-second kiss is a bonding ritual worth going home with.
After the 6-second kiss, have at least 20 minutes of stress-reducing conversation. Not only does this provide space for empathy and no-touch intimacy, but it also facilitates an understanding of the stresses and issues outside the relationship that the two of you are facing.
Time allocation: 1 hour and 40 minutes per week (20 minutes per day x 5 business days)
3. Gratitude and praise
It’s important to find ways to sincerely express your love and appreciation to your partner. I encourage the couples I work with to keep a praise journal. That way, you can record the little things you notice and connect them to traits you admire in your partner.
Not only will this make your partner feel valued, but it will also help you focus on the positive traits of your partner instead of focusing on their negatives. For example: “Thank you for helping me wash the dishes last night and letting me finish a project for work. You are such a thoughtful and kind woman.”
Time allocation: 35 minutes per week (5 minutes per day x 7 days)
4. Love
Expressing physical affection when you’re together is essential to feeling connected to each other. Be sure to hug each other before bed. This can be as simple as cuddling for a few minutes or kissing them goodnight.
Think of these moments of affection as a way to let go of small stressors that have built up over the course of the day. Imagine ending your goodnight kiss with forgiveness and kindness towards your partner.
Time allocation: 35 minutes per week (5 minutes per day x 7 days)
5. Date night
This important “us time” is a relaxing and romantic way to stay connected to each other. During the date, ask open-ended questions and focus on pointing each other in the same direction. Consider questions to ask your partner, such as, “Are you still thinking about redesigning your bathroom?” Or, “I would love to take a vacation with you.” Are there any places you can think of? ” or “How has your boss treated you this week?”
Time allocation: 2 hours once a week
6. State of the Union Conference
Dr. Gottman’s research shows that just one hour a week of talking about concerns within a relationship can change the way partners handle conflict. In my practice, this dedicated space for discussing conflicts allows couples to express their fears and concerns in a way that makes them feel heard and loved rather than ignored. I realized that I can express myself freely.
I recommend making this a weekly ritual in your relationship, done at the same time each week. Even if you don’t feel happy in the moment, it’s a sacred time because it brings about change.
Here’s how: Start by talking about what has gone well in your relationship since your last meeting. Next, tell each other five things you’re grateful for that you haven’t already. Be sure to include examples and be specific. Next, discuss any problems that may have arisen in your relationship. To make your conversation effective, alternate between being the speaker and the listener.
As a speaker, use a gentle beginning to avoid irritating your partner. As a listener, try to truly understand what the other person is saying without judging it. If you become defensive or distracted, take a 20-minute break and return to the conversation.
Once both partners feel understood and heard, proceed to problem solving using the two-circle method described on the next 185 pages. 7 principles for a successful marriage. If something unfortunate happened during the week, use the exercises on page 188 to process it. 7 principles for a successful marriage. At the end of the conversation, each partner should ask and answer, “What can I do to make you feel loved next week?”
Allotted time: 1 hour per week.
Total: 6 hours!
As you can see, 6 hours a week is pretty minimal. In fact, even if you sleep eight hours a night, you’ll only be awake 5 percent of the time. These 6 hours may seem insignificant, but they can go a long way in getting your relationship back on track.
Kyle Benson I’m a relationship coach who writes to help others understand the science of love and relationships.
This article was originally published at: Gottman Institute. Reprinted with permission from the author.