We all remember classic Disney movies like “Cinderella” and “The Little Mermaid.” We remember the magical stories and charming characters. Those of us who felt infatuated believed that love was either black or white, and there was no in-between. But love is a little more complicated than this.
Despite what we know now, we still tend to get caught up in the illusion of what love is rather than face reality.
Luckily, certified trauma expert Linda Meredith teaches you the main signs you might be stuck in an unconscious love fantasy and how to break free.
6 signs your love is an illusion
1. “Love” comes with conditions.
Conditional love depends on actions and status rather than feelings. Realistically, this can have disastrous consequences because your relationship will go through a difficult period.
As Meredith writes, “I love you, and that includes loving your partner beyond status and material things.”
If you or your partner are struggling with this, Counselor Urvashi Marashi Advise them to consider walking away from the relationship. She writes, “When a relationship negatively affects us and stunts our growth, it’s time to reevaluate and sometimes end it.”
If your feelings are not freely returned, it may be time to break up.
2. Your behavior in the relationship is caused by trauma.
To deal with trauma, we must first recognize and acknowledge how it affects us. It may seem obvious, but many of us live our lives with the effects of unresolved trauma without realizing it.
If you experienced trauma in your childhood or in a past relationship, you may: ”Recognize that the cycle has been repeating itself since early in life. And once again you put yourself in a situation where you could be hurt emotionally or physically. ”
In such cases, the relationship is not based on love. It’s a reenactment of trauma.
3. You experience a toxic quartet of criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.
researcher, couples therapist John Gottman discovered four behaviors:It’s the biggest predictor of a relationship ending.
Let’s be honest: voicing criticism all the time isn’t very effective and can have negative consequences over time. Add to this interference and disrespect, and your partner may start to feel like you don’t love them anymore.
If your partner is unknowingly hurting you, take some time to think it through. Is that love as real as you think?
4. They insist on double standards.
Double standards can be a deal breaker in any relationship. After all, it’s frustrating to expect certain treatment when your partner doesn’t reciprocate.
This kind of hypocritical behavior can be a clear sign that what you’re spending time with is probably not the kind of love you were really looking for.
5. This relationship is emotionally immature.
Emotional immaturity is a breeding ground for emotional trauma if not addressed immediately. Let me be clear: Rudeness should never be tolerated in any relationship.
according to Safe drug therapy laboratory“People who behave with disrespect can experience fear, anger, shame, confusion, anxiety, isolation, loss of self-confidence, depression, and a variety of physical ailments such as insomnia, fatigue, nausea, and high blood pressure. Masu.”
“If you want to have respectful conversations, make sure you listen to each other,” he writes. Therapists Linda and Charlie Bloom. Never talk to each other or be rude, such as rolling your eyes. This can come across as disrespectful and make your partner feel unimportant.
If you’re feeling emotionally overwhelmed, take a timeout and acknowledge your partner’s efforts.
6. One person wants the other to change, but is unwilling to improve themselves.
Telling your partner to be careful while scrolling on your phone is a classic example of hypocrisy, given the fact that most of us do it all the time. But as the saying goes, everyone is a hypocrite, including you and me.
You cannot expect to change unless you are willing to change yourself. These confusing double standards leave partners feeling anxious and demoralized.
This dynamic can easily turn into a toxic or even abusive relationship if someone is constantly being criticized.
Sit down with your partner and calmly discuss both issues. This conversation is necessary if you want to have a fair relationship together.
After your discussion, make a plan to minimize these mistakes. For example, if communication is an issue for both of you, agree to set aside time each day to talk.
Limit your use of electronic devices and use this time to re-establish connections. If you’re having trouble deciding what to say, only ask open-ended questions. New experiences can also spark conversations.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a BA in Psychology who covers topics of personal development, relationships, career, and family.