What exactly is love?
It has always been one of humanity’s great mysteries. It is very difficult to pinpoint the exact definition of love, as the definition of love varies from person to person. There are different types of love, depending on who is feeling it and towards whom.
Yet somehow it’s relatively easy to recognize. We really know it when it hits us. We write poems and songs about the meaning of love, philosophize about it, and even draw weird little comics about it.
Most of us seem to think of love as an emotion.
Love makes us feel dizzy, stupid, sticky, and just plain crushed. It makes you feel all of them at the same time. In the therapy industry, this feeling is called limerence.
Limerence is a stage in a relationship where everything the other person thinks, says, and does is so perfect that their very existence seems like a gift from God.
This feeling of being in love is important because it is the catalyst for a long-lasting romantic connection. But it’s different from long-term romantic love.
Long-term romantic love is more of a verb than a feeling. When you love someone, you don’t just say “I love you”. When you love someone, your actions reflect that love.
Here are six ways to show your partner how much you love and care so that love becomes a verb (rather than just a feeling).
Here are 6 small and sweet ways to say “I love you” without using words.
1. Develop and express empathy for your loved one
The most important step in developing loving, intimate, long-term bonds involves empathy, the ability to share and care about another person’s experiences.
When you actively empathize with another person, it becomes much easier to accept their ups and downs and quirks. When you act to love someone, you must accept them as they are. The easiest way to do this is to feel the other person’s emotions and invite them to feel yours as well.
2. Learn to disagree with your loved one in a healthy and productive way
No matter how in tune you are with your partner, it is inevitable that you will disagree about certain things, both big and small. These differences of opinion are not a bad thing. Working through them in a healthy way tends to lead to deeper intimacy and connection.
The trick is being able to resolve relationship conflicts in a way that strengthens the relationship rather than weakening it. One effective tactic is for you and your partner to remind and affirm at the beginning of the discussion that you are allies and part of the same team.
So we’re not fighting each other, we’re fighting the problem, whatever it is. If you and your partner can actively agree that you are part of the same team, disagreements tend to disappear and be resolved. And when that happens, it’s incredibly easy to remember how much you love each other and why you love each other.
3. Become trustworthy to your loved ones
Trust is very important in a loving relationship. You need to feel like your partner will always have your back, always tell you the truth, and always be there for you. And you need to make sure they know they can count on you as well.
To actively build trust in your relationships, you should make rigorous honesty your way of life, not just with your lover, but with everyone. Your partner will find it easier to trust you when they see you being honest in all aspects of your life.
You should keep your promises, even if it’s not fun or convenient. When your partner sees you do this consistently, they will know that you are someone they can always rely on.
4. Be grateful for your relationships
According to research Writing a list of things you’re grateful for is a great way to combat depression, anxiety, and all sorts of other unpleasant emotions. It is very, very difficult to be grateful and unhappy at the same time. But sharing your gratitude list with another person, like your partner, can be a surprisingly intimate and affirming act.
This is doubly true if one of the items on your list is something like, “I am grateful for the loving connection I have with my spouse.”
As long as you’re sincere and aren’t adding items to your gratitude list just to impress the other person, this gesture will be appreciated and help foster emotional intimacy.
5. Think and talk about “we” and “us” instead of “me” and “me.”
When talking to someone you love about the life you share, a great way to express love in a positive way is to use words like “we” and “our” instead of “I” and “mine.” That’s it.
For example, if you’re sharing your gratitude list with your spouse, saying, “I’m grateful that we have a nice house to live in and that our children are healthy and seem to be enjoying life” will make your statement stronger. A feeling of love is created. Instead of saying, “I’m grateful to have a good job, a great home for my family, and something to be proud of for my children,” focus on connection.
This language change may seem unimportant to you, but it is not. Using inclusive language is a positive expression of love that your partner will definitely feel.
6. Don’t just say “I love you”, show it.
It’s nice to tell someone you love them, but actions speak louder than words. The good news is that you don’t have to show your love with extravagant gestures. Small things tend to be more meaningful in the end. So listen and try to hear what the other person has to say.
Remember dates and events that are important to your partner. If it’s on your spouse’s calendar, put it on yours too. Most importantly, spend time with your partner.
Do something they enjoy or help them with tasks they don’t enjoy. And be sure to invite your partner to activities that you enjoy. It doesn’t matter what you do together, as long as your partner understands that your goal is to spend time together.
When you turn love into a verb, it returns to being an emotion. The six ways she listed above aren’t the only ways to say “I love you.” However, these are ideas that can help you get started on the path to deeper emotional intimacy and connection. This is love in action.
And the best part is that when you do them, you tend to get a big burst of remunence, a pleasurable feeling of being deeply in love.
Dr. Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT has been an educator, author, and certified clinician for nearly 30 years. He has served as a subject matter expert for numerous major media outlets, including CNN, NPR, and the New York Times.
This article was originally published at: psychology today. Reprinted with permission from the author.