It hurts when you feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you because a relationship you thought would stand the test of time didn’t work out.
For some people, The pain is so strong that it is physical.. Maybe you cried. Maybe he got angry. Maybe you’ve scrolled through dating apps or tried going out with someone new. But nothing seems to work. You begin to wonder, “Why haven’t I forgotten about my ex-lover yet?”
Perhaps the answer is that you have missed a step in your healing journey and are not ready to move on. If you accept all the stages of healing, you can overcome your breakup and get your loved one back to the way you used to know them.
Here are six steps you can take to get your ex back together.
1. Feel all your emotions.
It may seem counterintuitive because the pain of heartbreak is intense, but the only way to release that pain is to get through it and get to the other side. Feel all of your emotions instead of numbing yourself and trying to suppress all of your bad feelings.
Your mind will trick you and tell you that you will never feel happy again. This is a lie. The only thing you can trust is that your feelings will change.
You won’t feel bad forever, so instead of trying to avoid all the silly feelings, dig deep and allow yourself to feel them. feel angry or sad. Please cry or scream. It’s okay to spend time feeling sorry for yourself. All your emotions are valid, even if they are painful to experience.
2. Let go of baseless fantasies and false hopes.
As the old saying goes, what you resist endures. If you keep hoping that he’ll change his mind and come back to you, or that you two can work it out, you’re leaving his wound open and preventing your heart from healing. It will be.
Also, suppressing your emotions protects your heart and prevents you from being open to healing and new relationships. Don’t decide now that love isn’t for you just because it didn’t work out. If you keep an open mind and learn from this experience, the opportunity for lasting love with your ideal partner is always available.
3. Allow yourself to grieve.
An important part of getting over a breakup is acknowledging the loss. Instead of wondering if you made a mistake, ruminating on what was said when you broke up, or even wishing things had been different between you, just mark it on your calendar. All you have to do is reserve time and grieve your loss.
Obsessing over the details of your relationship or breakup will only keep you stuck. Your brain is searching for a solution to the pain, which prevents you from moving on. There is no logical solution to why your heartbreak or relationship ended.
A breakup is just a loss, just like not getting the job you really wanted. It reminds your brain that you have experienced other losses and have recovered. The pain you are feeling is a natural reaction. You had hope that this relationship would last. It is appropriate to mourn the loss of the life we thought we had. And now your life is changing and moving in a new direction.
Begin the healing process by addressing the relationship in the past tense. The two of you are partners and used to be together. Like ripping off a band-aid quickly, the sooner you do this, the sooner you’ll feel better overall.
4. Set clear boundaries.
By taking steps to move toward healing your heart, you can release your ex and move on. By setting clear boundaries, you are exercising your right to protect yourself. It may be a good idea to specifically ask your ex-girlfriend not to contact you at all. This gives you the gift of space and time so you can process the breakup, grieve, and move on.
Setting boundaries is also an act of self-care. Your heartache is a wound that needs healing. Every time you contact your ex, it’s like picking at a scab on a wound and slowing down the healing process.
If you co-parent with your ex, you may need to reach out. You may also need to communicate with your ex-lover to work on joint ventures or settle financial payments. Keep communication with your ex-boyfriend to a minimum. If you need to continue communicating, it’s important to set clear rules about when, how, and where it will happen. If your ex contacts you, don’t feel obligated to respond immediately.
Wait before you say or do anything that might bring the two of you back together. Although most situations do not require an immediate response, there are many situations that do not require a response at all.
5. Look for gold nuggets.
Once you’ve taken some time to grieve and realized you’re okay without your ex, it’s time to do the deep healing of releasing him for good.
There will come a time in the future when you will be grateful for that relationship and how it helped you grow. You can speed up this learning by taking intentional steps to find your “golden nuggets of learning.” To do this, start by writing in your journal about your relationship and what you learned from the experience. Maybe your relationship patterns with your ex are unhealthy and you need to find a way to change them for the better. Or maybe your ex-lover motivated you to improve your communication skills. Or maybe you realized you had given up on your own needs and vowed never to do it again.
Take your time and find the most important nuggets from the relationship. Learning this lesson will free you from the desire to get back together with your ex.
When you feel grateful for the entire experience of building a relationship that allows you to become a better, more evolved version of yourself, you have discovered the “golden nugget.” Once you mine a relationship for the “golden nuggets,” you no longer miss your ex because your attachment to the relationship is severed.
6. Start practicing forgiveness.
No one is perfect. Everyone is perfectly imperfect. You love what’s unique about someone, but often their imperfections leave a mark on your heart.
Accepting forgiveness is another way to leave your ex-lover in the past and move on forever. Forgiveness is ultimately for you. You can be free! Just because you’ve forgiven your ex doesn’t mean you need to communicate with him. You can do the work of forgiveness yourself.
Just because you have forgiven your ex does not excuse their actions. Rather, forgiveness frees you from holding on to anger and grudges that sabotage your happiness and joy.
If you remain angry with your ex or become cynical about love, you will only hurt yourself.
You may also need to forgive yourself for mistakes you made in your relationship. Beating yourself up won’t move you forward or make you a better person. Forgive yourself for any mistakes and release any feelings of guilt or shame. Resolve to be a better person in your next relationship.
The pain of a breakup will last forever and it may feel like you’ll never find that kind of love again.
If you take an intentional approach to heartbreak and work on your golden nuggets, you’ll find that your next relationship will be healthier, more loving, and more fulfilling than any of your past relationships.
Orna and Matthew Walters are soulmate coaches who have been featured as guest experts on Bravo’s “Millionaire Matchmaker.”
This article was originally published at: intentional love. Reprinted with permission from the author.