In the dating world, most intimate relationships don’t turn into long-term commitments.
This can happen for various reasons. Some loving partners cannot overcome challenges that ultimately end their commitment to each other. Some people give up early because they don’t want to waste time on something that already has problems. They just don’t want to put energy into a relationship that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.
Some people are determined to make the relationship work and endure bitter endings, hoping that continued efforts will eventually lead to success.
Many of these frustrated relationship seekers come to therapy to try to understand what they might be doing wrong. Despite their best efforts, they still can’t make the relationship last. And they know that there are other couples who face similar challenges and still stay together.
They want to know what differences these people have in order to maintain love. Are they just lucky people who magically found the right person, or do they make their relationships work no matter what? And if so, what is their formula for maintaining each other’s love?
Having worked with couples for 40 years, I must say that they are certainly different in some ways. Despite facing the same problems, couples who stay together approach the problems in unique ways that don’t hurt the relationship. It’s remarkable to see how these couples consistently care more deeply for each other, even in the face of situations that may have caused rifts in other relationships.
Every loving couple has their own style, but they also have a lot in common. These six qualities of his are most noteworthy. I hope they inspire others, find their way to success, and learn how to continue to love each other.
Here are six unusual things that couples who are and continue to love each other do on a regular basis.
1. They know how to resolve conflicts
Every couple argues. If they are honest and sincere, they accept the fact that they will never see eye to eye on everything. They know that disagreements can add interest and intrigue to a relationship – if those disputes are successfully resolved. They also know that unresolved and recurring conflicts can threaten and ultimately damage relationships, making it much harder to regain what has been lost.
In contrast, couples who are in love feel pain when a breakup occurs due to disagreements. After a conflict, they try to resolve the situation as quickly as possible. They don’t need to win, they want to understand why they disagreed and what they could have done better. It’s not about judgment, it’s about exploration and learning. Even when they’re hurt or angry, they want their partner to feel heard and supported.
2. They refuse to be held accountable.
While conflict is occurring, so many couples blame their partner for what goes wrong. It’s difficult for anyone to look at their role in conflict during strong emotions. Perhaps to avoid feelings of guilt or justice, some people try to make the other person the bad guy in the hope that they can win the argument by doing so. Many people give in when they feel bad about themselves, and counterclaims can sometimes successfully win the argument.
The sad thing about assigning blame is that it doesn’t work in the long run. There are always two sides to every story, and there is no one way to see the truth. All intimate partners long to be heard and understood, even if there are conflicting realities. When an intimate partner uses blame to get her way, it can make her partner defensive, angry, and withdrawn, jeopardizing her ability to maintain love.
Lovey-dovey couples know that their partner’s opinion must be respected. Especially if your partner’s opinion differs from your own. They seek to understand them in order to find the truth that will make both possible. That doesn’t mean they always agree, but they know that every connection and disconnection must be the responsibility of both. It’s about “this is what we do for each other” and it’s never about “this is your fault because you’re the problem here.”
3. Respond to connection requests.
A key part of any quality relationship, especially when trying to deal with difficult emotional issues, is the ability of both partners to wholeheartedly agree to respect the other’s feelings and thoughts.
Many partners automatically treat each other this way when the relationship is new, but as the relationship matures, they find the constant demands for connection burdening, confusing, or unable to be reached quickly. You may no longer want to. You may be so quick to ignore your partner’s needs that you try to “fix” the situation without taking the time to investigate deeply. Or a partner who is preoccupied with something may try to ignore and neutralize the other person’s feelings. An irritated partner may become sarcastic or withdrawn.
A loving partner will not ignore a partner who is seeking connection for whatever reason. Even if you are distracted or distracted, take the time to understand what your partner needs and decide together how to address it. If that’s not possible at this time, both partners will agree on when to resolve it. And we don’t ridicule, belittle, or ignore the other person’s desire to connect.
4. They parent each other
In all intimate romantic relationships, there is always an underlying “cross” interaction between one partner’s symbolic parent and the other partner’s symbolic child. It is impossible to be open and vulnerable with another human being unless such interactions occur from time to time.
People are never just their current age. They are a combination of all previous eras. If your partner experienced a heartbreak in childhood and certain circumstances cause it to recur in the present, your partner can ease her pain and even help her heal by acting as a symbolic parent. Masu.
These automatic reactions are most evident in the early stages of a relationship. Intimate partners often address each other as if they were talking to young children. They call each other “baby” or “sweetie pie” and every couple knows what their unique and sweet words mean to each other. It’s a normal interaction.
As a relationship matures, many partners start to become less willing to provide that kind of unconditional nurturing, and it’s not always the case that when the other person slips into a younger place, they’re automatically provided for. When no longer loved in such tender ways, the needy partner may feel abandoned or rejected. She may lose confidence that her words and actions will automatically be supported and feel she must act more carefully. The symbolic parent-child safety net that was available at the beginning of the relationship is no longer always extended.
Lovey-dovey couples understand how to stay in love with each other and how important it is to never lose that special “sweet spot.” They know that their partner sometimes needs to feel that guaranteed comfort and safety, and are willing to act as good parents if asked. They know that it’s natural for people to feel anxious and young at times, and they want to be there for each other during those times.
5. Handle controls
Many relationships fail because one partner tries to dominate the other or is afraid of being dominated by the other. Many people have childhood experiences where they felt unimportant and were expected to do whatever was asked of them. They fear being dominated again and often carry those traumatic memories into their adult relationships.
Given these fears, people may demand automatic compliance from their partners to alleviate their fears. Many partners alternately draw their partner closer to them and push them further away, fearing that their intimacy and commitment will entrap and control them.
Loving partners know that it is natural to feel in control at times. It allows a person to be fully respected as the stronger person in the relationship at that moment. The other person is confident in their autonomy and will not react defensively or take it personally. He or she does not feel the need to counter-control or automatically submit.
Being satisfied with the situation allows us to seek understanding as to what is causing such behavior. They also understand that sometimes they need to be the controlling partner, and will receive the same understanding and respect.
These couples know how quickly mutual relationships can deteriorate if both want to be in charge at the same time. When such a situation arises, they agree to stay centered, stay calm, and take turns listening to what each other needs and feels. Once you fully understand what both of your control desires are, you will decide how best to help each other meet the underlying needs.
6. Respond to emergencies
Couples who are just in love are quick to respond to their partner’s distress signals because they almost always prioritize each other. When life’s obligations intervene and the couple returns to their normal routine, those demands must be absorbed by other priorities.
Even though they realize that being the center of someone’s life will naturally fade somewhat over time, many partners feel ignored when this happens. You may become more demanding, feel ignored, and the lines between your truly important and less urgent needs may become blurred, and you may fear that neither will be met.
Couples who have been in love forever are honest, open, and independent, but sometimes they desperately need each other. They believe that the other person will never take advantage of that instant availability and that if an emergency girlfriend SOS call is made, the partner will respond quickly without any questions or objections. They trust that those requests will not be expressed fraudulently or without consideration of the other party’s needs.
Loving partners understand the sacredness of personal boundaries and take pride in their autonomy. They learned that one of the most important qualities a human being can have is the ability to love again after loss. So once the conflict is over, you will practice forgiveness and humility. Their common goal is to resolve their troubles and reunite as soon as possible.
They know that love requires them to always be alive in each other’s hearts, whether they are together in the same place or temporarily apart. They know that the future is not written and can be taken away from each other at any time. Accepting that truth is a constant reminder that their relationship is as good as it can be rebuilt in this moment.
Dr. Randy Gunter is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor who works with singles and couples.she is the author of the newsletter heroic love.
This article was originally published at: psychology today. Reprinted with permission from the author.