There are countless ways to break up with your partner, but all of them will ask you the same tough questions. “why?”
Here are 7 painfully honest reasons why spouses break up with their partners, according to the experts at YourTango.
1. They had a phantom marriage
One of the painfully honest reasons spouses break up with their partners is because they realize that the person they married (or thought they married) is no longer the person they would choose as a partner. In the early days of your relationship, you had fantasies and dreams about who your spouse would be, but that’s not the case now.
It may be because your partner has changed, or it may be because you have changed. Or maybe your early perceptions were naive or distorted in an unrealistic way. But once you see and admit the truth about your relationships and yourself, it’s hard to stay there unless someone changes.
— Dr. Courtney WarrenCertified Clinical Psychologist
2. Lack of psychological safety
when you have a partner I don’t feel secure in their relationship, they will struggle with communication, intimacy, and overall connection. This can lead to a breakdown in communication and a buildup of anger. Over time, the bad can start to outweigh the good, which can make retirement seem more appealing.
— Blair NicoleMaster’s Degree, Psychology and Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT)
3. Because I’ve turned away from fear
They develop a disconnect in their interests, goals, and values, and are unable to respect the other person’s choices.
One or both spouses no longer have their needs met, one does not want to change anything and is afraid, and the other is growing in new ways.
For example, Mary and Bill grew up in different ways, but Bill does not support Mary’s new approach to life. Mary loves Bill, but she wants to form a partnership with him to enjoy life together and have him support her goals, even if he doesn’t want to. Bill doesn’t want to change anything. He doesn’t support her new direction. He doesn’t support his partner and is pushing her away.
An example of his lack of support: He is ashamed of her new spiritual beliefs and wants to eat healthy and be sober. He likes drinking and eating fast food. She wants to go back to school to learn new skills and get promoted. He wants to have her at his house every night. She wants her trip, he doesn’t want her to travel, he doesn’t want her to travel and leave him alone.
Mary wants to see a relationship coach to help them find common ground and ways to be happy. Bill blames her because he is unhappy and thinks she is her problem. He wants his girlfriend the old Mary back, that’s all. His reaction to her change brings up her fears that she had in her childhood, and it seems selfish to refuse to accept her need to grow up. She doesn’t want to hurt him. She wants to be with someone who loves and respects her, even if he doesn’t like her changes.
When Mary sees Bill’s fear of change and desire to grow, she may choose to break up with him and pursue her own interests. When she finds out that she is leaving him, the fear of losing her may be more important than her change, but that alarm bell may be too late.
Bottom line: If you act out of fear (from a past or current situation), you’ll push your partner away because you’re more focused on your own safety than their well-being.
— marilyn sutherlandRelationship Magician at Love Lead Connect
3. Because they are sexually incompatible.
It’s sad but true. Even if the “honeymoon” sex period was good, over time many people find that they are no longer as excited about their partner as they were at first. For most people, a poor sex life or a stalled sex life isn’t a deal breaker, but in my field, people who want to break up to find more pleasure and compatibility with another person I see.
— Dr. Gloria Blamesex therapist
4. For complete self-sacrifice
you always Sacrificing your own needs to please your spouse. If you constantly put your own desires aside to please your spouse, you may be trying to keep your marriage happy, or at least peaceful, and avoid arguments. But over time, so much anger builds up inside you that you can no longer feel the love, much less the passion, you once felt for that person. For a marriage to survive, both partners need to feel that their needs are respected.
— Francis Patton,LMFT
5. I’m happier being alone
As a spouse, you realize that your attraction to your partner was superficial because he said he loved you and did things to please you. Once you get married, you have nothing in common with them anymore.
At first you were the center of their world. They told me how beautiful, smart and amazing you are. They bought you a present. They asked what you wanted to do, where you wanted to go to dinner, and where you wanted to go on vacation. You made a choice together to fulfill both of your desires. They went to your favorite movies and you went to theirs. We had many common experiences and aspirations.
Now they rarely praise you or appreciate your actions. You don’t feel special. I feel like I’m the one cooking and cleaning. You had a lot in common and a lot to talk about. We had fun together no matter what we were doing. During sex, they wanted to please you. Well, during sex they seem to want to please themselves. Now they watch their favorite shows on TV and don’t ask you what you want to watch. They play with their friends more than you.
You think you’re happier living alone.
— marilyn sutherlandRelationship Magician at Love Lead Connect
Photo: Tirachad Kumthanom (via Shutterstock)
6. Due to emotional inability or unresolved emotional trauma.
The beginning stage (honeymoon stage) of a relationship is fun and exciting. How our brains respond to new love is similar to how the brain responds to addictive substances. It releases tons of feel-good chemicals and makes things easier.
At first, partners tend to see the good in each other. Over time, these feel-good chemicals disappear and a real relationship begins. Partners begin to realize each other’s shortcomings. Things start to get real. For our partners, People who are mentally incapacitated or who have unresolved psychological trauma; This may seem incredibly threatening and frightening.
Successful long-term relationships require effort and self-awareness. For some people, this may be too intimidating and difficult.
— Blair Nicole Master’s Degree, Psychology and Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT)
7. Because of the affair
Based on many years of experience as a divorce lawyer, I have to say that the majority of my clients and prospects often identify infidelity as the reason they came to my office. Moreover, unlike other causes of divorce, which often work together, they alone can spell the end of a marriage.
— Ronald Babelodivorce lawyer and author
Whatever the reason, when a divorce occurs, there will be pain, hurt feelings, and heartbreak. The root cause that unites these painful reasons for divorce appears to be a loss of connection between the couple.
If you’re considering divorce, these reasons may apply. And if you want to avoid divorce, these reasons can be a starting point for rebuilding your relationship.
Will Curtis is a writer and editor at YourTango. He was featured in his Good Men Project and has been teaching English abroad for 10 years.