After living in a toxic marriage, I had no idea how to have a healthy relationship. I’ve read a lot about “healthy relationship habits,” but I’ve never experienced them, and if I did, I was quick to dismiss them as weird and wrong.
Toxic relationships rewire our brains and desires.
We mistake the “familiar” for “healthy,” and therefore the “unfamiliar” for “unhealthy.”
But in order to move forward, we must stop trusting our own stupid instincts and instead rely more on external guidance.
To help you out, here are some really positive relationship habits.
Here are eight positive relationship habits that defy conventional wisdom.
1. Not in constant contact
During my marriage, I responded to my growing anxiety about lack of communication by increasing the frequency of our contact. I mostly bombarded his phone with texts about…something. What I saw. What was I doing? That you have seen something. wanting to do something.
If he didn’t reply right away or within a “reasonable amount of time” (which for me required a reply within 10 minutes), I would send more messages in quick succession.
I don’t think about that because I’m in a healthy relationship now. We will text, call, or email you when we need or want to do so. Neither of us do it because of a fear response.
We are secure enough in our relationships to understand that there is something going on with the other person, too, and that we are not their only priority. We all have self-care, friends, careers, hobbies, kids, and we may have to step up to the forefront at times, and that’s okay.
If you or your partner need to get in touch with the other person, your relationship is like a building on fire, so you better hurry and throw water on it (honestly discuss boundaries and needs). , consult a couples therapist, and/or a personal therapist, breakup, etc.).
2. Don’t tell your partner everything
I think Sometimes it’s okay to tell your partner. I don’t think you need to act like you’re always taking a truth pill. Your partner doesn’t need to know if something trivial is going on in your life or if you dislike their behavior.
My partner can be annoying at times, and sure he and I both find it annoying, but there’s no need to tell the other person that or viciously attack them.
If you can’t be honest and loving, just shut up.
The people you are with are also human beings. They will make mistakes and do stupid things, but you don’t have to criticize them every time. Deal with small problems yourself, and work with your partner to deal with big problems as they arise.
3. Be honest
You don’t have to share every thought in your head with your partner, but you should try to be honest with them about what’s important.
If you wear sweatpants to the interview, ask them to change. If you don’t like a comment they’ve made about your mom, say it out loud and set and maintain boundaries for what’s okay and what’s not.
When we start tiptoeing around the truth, unhealthy relationships emerge. I don’t like it when he/she screams at me every time we fight, but I can’t tell her/him that because he/she doesn’t like it.
no.
Be kind, but clear.
Also, if you feel like you have to tiptoe around your partner on a regular basis, something is wrong.
4. Go to bed angry
Things always look different in the morning light. I don’t care how your fight ends, I promise you’ll feel better in the morning.
But my ex-husband and I followed the common advice: “Don’t go to bed angry.” This meant some really fun shouting matches late into the night, each of us saying whatever we wanted to say, and then passing out from exhaustion, only to hate the sight of each other in the morning. .
My current husband and I both understand that nothing will be resolved after 9pm, so we don’t even bother. We give each other space. When we go to sleep, we can think more clearly in the morning and actually be able to cope more kindly.
5. Not feeling “completed” by your partner
Although it’s a nice image, it’s sad and really hurtful for happily single people. If you’re not in a relationship, you’re not half the person you are. In a healthy relationship, two people are walking the same path together.
Only in a codependent relationship does one or both parties feel incomplete and dependent on the other person to “fulfill” them. They become intertwined and overly attached.
Work on yourself as an individual and choose a partner that works on you as an individual. Don’t live half your life waiting for or being with half your partner.
6. Having your own interests, hobbies, friends, etc.
If two people were fully human, they would have different interests, hobbies, friends, etc. If two people are half human, they will share everything, which is terrible. gross.
Get the life you want and enjoy it. Your partner can support you in whatever you like, but they shouldn’t be your only interest, hobby, or friend. I’m sure they too have their own magical lives.
If you are both individuals, you will have a healthier and more balanced relationship.
7. Practice self-care
When you feel overwhelmed, you need to step away from people. I need to go for a walk in the forest or take a long hot bubble bath, but in my first marriage I couldn’t do that for fear of leaving my partner. My anxiety meant neglecting myself for relationships.
But now that I have some time to myself, I realize it’s good to be selfish like that. When my needs are met, I become a better person, lover, wife, mother, etc. If you are empty, you can’t give anything to anyone.
My partner is the same way. If he doesn’t lift heavy objects multiple times a week, he becomes a grumpy and hated monster.
When you practice self-care, you also practice self-love, which in turn increases your self-esteem. It also helps you build the “whole person” you want to be, rather than thinking someone else will take care of your half-baked needs.
8. If things don’t work out, break up.
My ex-husband and I had only been together for about three months when I started going to couples therapy. Not because I wanted to jump into healthy habits to build something better than before, but because after three months things were already a mess.
No matter how much couples therapy you attend, read self-help books, or follow popular advice, some relationships just never work out. It will always feel like an uphill monotonous job.
The kindest thing we could have done for each other was to get rid of the 3 month mark instead of dragging it out for another 9 years.
If the relationship isn’t working out (which you should judge properly if you’re practicing being honest with yourself), let it go and move on. It will be the healthiest decision for both parties.
Many of our relationship habits are based on what we saw in childhood and popular culture, but we can’t always rely on them as good role models. If you’ve been practicing mostly toxic or unhealthy relationship habits, it may feel strange to practice these. But the best part is that these healthy habits can lead to more satisfying relationships.
Tara Blair Balls is a certified relationship coach and podcast co-host of the show Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse. She is also the author of her three books: Grateful in Love, A couple’s Goals Journal, and Reclaim & Recover: Heal from Toxic Relationships.
This article was originally published at: Moderate. Reprinted with permission from the author.