Couples with the best intimacy know exactly why it works. That’s because we make sure to openly communicate about intimacy in our relationships.
Sadly, most couples don’t communicate or talk enough about their love life, and when they do, the conversation can feel uncomfortable, threatening, or embarrassing. The timing, setting, and context of intimacy conversations are very important.
Sometimes the best time and place to talk about intimacy is outside the bedroom, fully clothed, in a neutral, private setting where intentions are expressed and shared.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t discuss things during intimacy in bed, but the degree of vulnerability and sensitivity that many of us feel at the time can make us defensive about what our partner says. Or you may feel reactive. It can be interpreted as judgment or criticism in some way.
These conversations are so important, but most couples don’t have them enough.
On this most important topic, there are some guidelines that will help you set the conditions for effective communication skills with your partner. You can create meaningful and productive conversations about intimacy with your partner.
It could take years, and it could take longer than we think. However, if you want to develop a close relationship, be patient.
Before we get into the guidelines, here are the necessary conditions to support a rich experience.
- Intentionality: Having a clear commitment to the kind of experience you want.
- Safety: Feel safe even if you are physically and mentally vulnerable.
- Trust: Having a sense of security, dependability, and respect for each other.
- Time: There’s no need to rush. Please take your time and relax.
- Avoid distractions: This refers to being careful not to let external factors (people, phones, television, electronic devices, etc.) or internal factors (unresolved differences, obsessions, unfinished business) invade your experience. Masu.
- Presence: Become fully aware of the present moment.
- Responsibility: Each partner recognizes and expresses his or her power to influence the situation.
- Honesty: A willingness to respectfully tell the truth about what is working and what isn’t. Emotional honesty means speaking from your own experience about what you feel and need, rather than offering your own opinion, advice, or judgment.
- Sensitivity: Being attuned to and responsive to each other’s needs and emotions.
- Vulnerability: Being defenseless and defenseless.
- Self-awareness: being attuned to one’s inner experience
- Focus on the whole body: Don’t just focus on body parts or finishes.
- Reciprocity: A mutually cooperative exchange of giving and receiving.
Here are 9 little tricks that will make you a better communicator than everyone else.
1. State your intentions at the beginning of the conversation
Doing so will minimize the chance that your partner will get defensive or worry that you just want to blame her or say the wrong thing.
For example: “I asked you to join me in this conversation because I enjoy our love life and think there may be a way to make it more enjoyable for both of us than it is right now. I have some thoughts about it and I would like to hear your opinion to see how I can achieve it, what do you think? ”
2. Don’t interrupt your partner when they’re talking
If you don’t agree with what they said, don’t try to “fix” them.
It’s important that they feel heard before you react to their words. Resist the temptation to let the other person hear your side of the story until it is clear to both of you that you have been heard and understood.
3. Try to avoid criticism
Instead, talk about what works better for you and what you want.
4. Focus on love
The focus and intent of the conversation should be on how the two of you can enhance the quality of your experience together.
5. Think about what can improve the situation.
Focus more on what you can do to make things better, rather than what you think your partner should do.
6. Make demands, not requests.
For example, instead of saying, “I wish we could spend more time cuddling instead of directly pursuing intimacy,” you might say, “Why do we have to get intimate every time we touch each other? Always be intimate.” We must be conscious of this!” ”
7. Tell your partner what you want
And what do they want from you to enhance the quality of the experience? And be grateful whenever they tell you.
8. Know if the finish is important to both of you.
Tell your partner if you need to finish whenever you get intimate and if you need to finish in order for you to feel satisfied and complete.
9. Think about what works for both of you.
Discuss the steps to intimacy, including frequency, time of day, location, and circumstances that work best for both of you.
Needless to say, for many people, being on the phone during an intimate relationship is not helpful. Unplug, turn off, or eliminate all electronic devices during intimate activities. Don’t even think about answering the phone during that time.
Believe it or not, According to a 2013 studyAlmost 20 percent of the young population answers the phone during an intimate relationship.
These are just a few examples of the importance of communication and things to talk about and keep in mind when having intimate conversations.
It’s always good to thank your partner for participating in this conversation and let them know that you appreciate their desire to participate in striving to create the most satisfying and fulfilling love life for both of you. Keep in mind that it is a thought.
Linda Bloom, LCSW and Charlie Bloom, MSW are psychotherapists and relationship counselors who have worked with individuals, couples, groups, and organizations since 1975.