The path to a healthy relationship consists of three stages.
And those same stages point the way to a life filled with intimate relationships in all their forms.
Because at the end of the day, the real skill of dating is simply the skill of intimacy. And intimacy skills are the most important in our lives.
Here are the three stages you need to go through to build an intimate relationship.
Stage 1: Assert your self-esteem and clean your house
These three stages of smarter dating are a steep learning curve. But it’s well worth it.
in my book deeper datingI would describe the first stage as follows. “At some point, and usually as a result of great pain, we begin to lose our taste for relationships that chip away at our self-esteem. We cannot bear the thought of being hurt again. I realized it wasn’t there.”
The end of the era of dead ends
When we become less “obsessed” with this kind of attraction, the days of dead ends in our dating lives will finally come to an end. Now we can start the real work of intimacy. That is, recognizing and nurturing the relationships that nourish and nurture us. During dating, and in all our relationships, we start cleaning house, eliminating unnecessary interactions with deprived relationships from our lives.
At this stage, we learn one of the greatest lessons of love. This is a lesson we’ve all heard over and over again, but it’s not easy. It’s about being ourselves.
But it’s not that simple. Because who we are is full of qualities that have hurt us in the past.
For example, we may be ashamed of our sensitivities, the intensity of our emotions, or the feeling that we are somehow different from most people. Instead of defending these important parts of ourselves, we hold onto them with a kind of protective feeling of shame. I call these parts of ourselves our “core gifts,” and they represent our greatest hope for finding meaningful and lasting love.
But when people take advantage of, misunderstand, ignore, or even punish these qualities, we hide our core gifts behind a protective “false self.” Learn about things. And this is a profound formula that I have found to be true over many years of practice with single clients.
The more we get lost in that false self, the more we become attracted to people who step on us or take advantage of us.
Start Honoring Your Core Gifts
During this first stage, as we learn to alternately value the qualities we have cherished and abhorred, we stop saying, “I am too sensitive,” and instead say, “I am very sensitive.” You will learn to think, “This is true.”
We distance ourselves from the thought, “I’m always being taken advantage of, what’s wrong with me?” Then you can say, “I have a deep quality of generosity, and I need to honor and protect it.”
Stop thinking, “Why do I always end up with unfaithful people?” Then you start thinking like this: “Loyalty is very important to me. It’s an essential quality of mine, and I’m ultimately going to learn how to honor and dignify it in my relationship choices.”
As we do this, our world begins to change in essential ways and we find ourselves moving into stage two.
Stage 2: The intermediate stage
Stage 2 is kind of a strange and unexpected stage. This is something that took me a long time to identify in my clients’ lives. At this early stage, not much seems to be happening. It feels as if you’ve cleaned the house, and now it’s mysteriously empty.
Curiously, this phase tends to last much longer than we imagine. Why is this strange “empty” stage held in the first place? Why not move on to the possibilities of better relationships that await us?
We need time to heal.
The biggest reason is that healing often takes time. Our brain may be saying, “I want the next thing,” but our mind is saying, “I need to rest.” I’m not ready for a new relationship risk. It must be recovered and reconfigured. ”
This is a deep stage. Much of what happens here happens underground. Our minds need time to reorganize and integrate. The biggest thing we can do at this stage is learn how to be kinder to ourselves as we nurture ourselves, grieve, reflect, and prepare for stage three.
Look for new buds
At this stage, your new bud is starting to grow, but you probably can’t pinpoint how it’s starting to impact your dating life yet. At this stage, we need to start looking for relationships, situations, and activities that will nourish us and will not damage our self-esteem.
Often we are surprised to find that we somehow find new relationships with secure people who always value us for who we are. And we find that they don’t bore us or annoy us like they used to. This is a sign of real change.
Often, we don’t even notice the “new shoots” of a healthy relationship at first. In my role as a psychotherapist and coach, I have to show my clients the possibilities of these new relationships, as they usually don’t realize their importance. In the second stage, you need to look for new buds of a healthy relationship. Because, in most cases, they begin to sprout.
Stage 3: Build a rich life full of love
The third stage is when you begin actively building a healthy, loving, and abundant life.
In this third stage, life becomes more fulfilling, but with less drama.
There is a kind of peace in this stage because the people we choose to be with have a less emotionally violent nature than those we have dated in the past.
At this stage, you get to date people who are safe, easygoing, and kind, and you finally have a chance to practice deeper skills of authentic intimacy, such as generosity. We learn to swing in terms of how much we give and how deeply we receive. This is the basis for a rich, exciting and passionate love, but only when practiced with safe people.
When we reach this stage, the “place” for us changes. The people we focus on are different. It’s surprising that this happens, but it actually happens because our attractions have changed. We find that we are more likely to meet people who are kinder and more empathetic. I feel like our dating life is starting to change for the better.
But now, in the third phase, there is more work to be done. We have lost our taste for unhealthy love. Now we need to develop a taste for healthy love. And it’s not always easy.
For example, we who are accustomed to unhealthy relationships often want to run away when we finally meet someone who is kind, decent, and genuinely helpful and we begin to develop deeper feelings for them. Subconsciously, we begin to feel fear. On a conscious level, it may feel like a constant urge to run away from it. At this stage, you need to learn completely new, deeper and richer communication skills.
The heart and soul of this third stage is nurturing and deepening our connections with the people and situations that truly nourish us.
What stage of deeper dating are you in? And what are the next steps to move your journey forward?
As we enter Stage 3, we arrive at a very important place, but our intimate relationship journey continues to be humbling, challenging, and complex. We want to get to stage 3, but once we get there, the next stage of our journey has just begun.
But the good news is this. If you’re nurturing these healthy relationships and developing the tools to develop them, you’ll probably be on the surest path to happiness next year.
Ken Page, LCSW, is a psychotherapist, author, and lecturer specializing in issues of intimacy, personal growth, creativity, and spirituality. His work has been featured in O, Oprah’s Magazine, The New York Times, Cosmopolitan, Essence, WPIX-TV, and more.
This article was originally published at: goodman project. Reprinted with permission from the author.