Are you feeling hopeless in your marriage? You are not alone. There are times in almost every marriage when you feel like you’re on a horrible roller coaster ride that makes you want to throw up.
So what can you do? Do you just ignore it and hope it gets better? Run towards the hill. What about something in between?
A three-step process to get your marriage out of trouble.
1. No matter what happens, remember that you will be okay.
If you’re worried that your marriage is ending, you’re probably feeling depressed, helpless, and no doubt feel like you have no control over anything. But the problem is that effective and actionable steps cannot be taken from a state of weakness and imbalance.
The first thing you need to do to bring hope, love, and long-term security to your marriage is to return to the realization that it’s okay to take care of yourself. And regain your sense of strength and control. how? These three habits of hers will help you reach your full potential.
balance: (Stand firmly, don’t lean too far or lean too far away from your partner) Hold your head high, don’t shrink, take long, deep breaths, and stay centered. Practice mindfulness. Remember that this is a temporary experience and you have a long future ahead of you. Even if your marriage is like a tree blowing in the wind, remember that it has deep roots.
Confidence: Make this your mantra: “I’m enough!” and say it out loud many times a day. Build your confidence by doing things that calm your mind and make you feel creative. Confidence gives you the power to take charge and move forward. Remember that confidence makes you more attractive to your partner.
fairness: Take responsibility for your role in the current state of your marriage. This will not make you weak. In fact, by taking responsibility for all your relationship problems instead of blaming your spouse, you can immediately detox your relationship and strengthen yourself. You can make a relationship successful by being humble and fair.
2. Develop deep empathy for your spouse.
To save your marriage and be a happy couple, remember that your spouse is not you, you are two different people. Yes, you must walk in your partner’s shoes.
Couples fall in love when they are happy together. So, what is the quickest way to build happiness with your partner? Simply put, “Know your spouse.”
It seems so simple, but it’s not a skill that comes naturally. It takes years of couples (and sometimes even marriage therapy) to develop this level of empathy. Here are three ways to quickly train your empathy muscles.
Become your spouse’s expert: Understand how they reflexively behave when under stress. Do they want to go closer or have some time to themselves? Be good at reading body language and facial expressions. If you have a problem, please ask if I’m reading it correctly. It also includes answers to questions such as “What does your spouse feel most vulnerable at?” or “What are three things she can do to make her partner feel loved?”
Listen like a pro: In other words, make it your goal to listen and understand your spouse as they try to make their point. To get through that, remember that “listening” to their opinion is not the same as “agreeing” with them, and that “understanding” their opinion does not mean “giving in” to them. must be remembered. Be sure to let your partner know that you understand what she’s saying by paraphrasing what you just heard. Then ask, “Did I understand correctly? Is there anything else you need?”
Warm your heart: Show compassion and concern for your spouse. Give them a hug, kiss, and compliment when you say goodbye in the morning, and at the end of the day, give them a warm welcome hug and ask them how their day was. Fill the time you spend together with gratitude and love. Say thank you for certain things, smile, touch, wink, make eye contact, use friendly language, play “your song” and dance around the kitchen, do the dishes even when it’s not your turn. Compliment him when he least expects it, say it, and laugh together.
Photo credit: Getty
3. We recommit to putting each other’s relationships first.
Your marriage is in a vulnerable situation because you have lost sight of the important agreements that keep your marriage safe and happy. Above all, to protect your marriage, you must always try to put your relationship first.
We must think carefully about this change. “I don’t come first, you don’t come first, my kids don’t come first, my job doesn’t come first. We come first. From now on, the guiding questions should be: What does it mean to us? Is that the best thing to do?”
Here are four agreements that will help you put (and keep) your relationship first.
Radical transparency: You need to tell each other everything, even if your partner is upset. To increase transparency, we need to give each other the gift of safety from judgment and rejection. Otherwise, it won’t feel safe to be open, and secrecy will become a better option.
No threat: Threatening to move out, divorce, or pack your partner’s things will never give you the security you need in a deep, intimate relationship. Threatening the relationship in any way leads to mistrust. Long-term security and well-being requires trust.
Always have your partner’s back. We agree to protect each other (emotionally and physically) in public, with friends and family, or alone. Make caring for each other your job and your joy.
Lead with love: Don’t wait for your spouse to go first. Be proactive about the changes you want in your relationship. Also, don’t belittle, criticize, be sarcastic, get angry, or hold back to make your point. Do something every day to promote a cycle of loving, positive intimacy in your relationship (in and out of bed). Remember, the more you do to make your partner feel loved, the more love you will receive in return.
It’s normal to find yourself in a situation where one of you stops feeling loved and you’re worried that nothing will work out for the two of you to feel happy again.
Do not despair! Even if one of you wants to learn how to save a marriage, it is possible. Rekindle hope and rekindle love.
Some research findings in family systems theory include: When one person in a family system changes their behavior, the entire system is forced to adjust. In other words, if only one member of a couple changes their behavior, the entire relationship can improve.
If you don’t have much hope for repairing your relationship and being happily married again, take my hope for now.
Making a marriage successful is not easy. And the fear that it will fall apart can drive some couples into a corner. It doesn’t have to be this way. Practice these skills. And your love life will become better.
Linda Spann, Ph.D., LMFT, is a relationship therapist and coach. For more information, Visit her website.
This article was originally published at: Dr. Linda Spann. Reprinted with permission from the author.