After 11 years of marriage, I feel like I’ve become an expert hostage negotiator. We don’t have a perfect marriage, nor do we pretend to. But we have deep love and respect for each other. We respect that sometimes we can be mean to each other and sometimes we have to admit we are wrong. (Note: I’m actually never wrong.)
We’ve been through some great highs as well as some really lows. We are still working on compromises, and will be until we are old men and see each other for the first time again.
We have two wonderful boys, and when they were born we learned the true meaning of survival. When they returned home, we learned that we were a force to be reckoned with.
As they grew larger and messier, we learned that they could adapt to even the worst conditions. together. Side by side in a sea of gore. I would like to think that I learned a few things about marriage and life through this experience. You’ll probably agree, and you’ll probably think I’m completely off base. If it’s the latter, please write in the advice section.
Here are some tips and tricks from women who have been married longer than you. Remember to fake it until you make it.
How to become a successful couple in 11 relatively easy steps:
1. Forgive, and forgive often.
You don’t need to forget, but you need to forgive. Unforgiveness opens a rabbit hole of resentment.
2. Touch each other
Hold hands and kiss. I have a silly sign above my bed that says, “Always kiss me goodnight.” Even when I’m messed up or fighting, I let him kiss me. Come to think of it, it’s okay to go to bed angry. I’ll do it well. Do you know what happens when you wake up in the morning? I usually feel like whatever I’m angry about is stupid.
3. Say you’re sorry, even if you’re not.
At some point in the fight you have to compromise, forgive and be forgiven. Just say it.
4. Let’s protect each other
Did someone say something unflattering about your spouse? say something. Not only will you be defending her other half, she will be defending her decision to marry this person. You’re not stupid, right?
5. Understand that very few behaviors are unacceptable.
I consider this treason. If you marry a North Korean defector, leave. There is no place for communists in America. Unacceptable behavior includes cheating, abuse of any kind, and wearing socks with sandals.
6. Let’s laugh together
Let’s laugh at each other and with each other. Please tickle if necessary.
7. Please love me with all your heart
Love the best and the worst in your partner. One day you have to wipe their butts. This is the worst.
8. Don’t take each other too seriously
Seriously, please stop.
9. We are proud of each other.
Stand tall next to each other. Even if he makes stupid dad jokes. The inside will shrink, not the outside.
10. Remember the young, naive person you fell in love with.
If only I hadn’t had an arranged marriage. If so, remember why your parents forced you to get married.
11. Be kind.oh please be kind
Words can hurt. Sticks and stones hurt more, but words cut straight through the heart.
laura barks Freelance writer and essayist specializing in child-rearing advice. Her work can be found on Scarymommy, Twiniversity, Bluntmoms, YourTango, and more.