In my work as a psychologist, I see examples every day of relationships gradually disintegrating and sometimes exploding.
Although tragic, these examples give insight into why marriages fail. It also reveals how you can strengthen and improve your relationships with a little reverse engineering.
Here are three small habits that will make your marriage better than most couples’.
1. Validate first, solve problems later
The biggest mistake I see people make in relationships is getting stuck in problem-solving mode.
When we’re in problem-solving mode, we immediately react to something difficult or painful as if it were a problem, analyzing it, judging it, analyzing it, and comparing it. evaluate, interrogate. All of these problem-solving approaches are useful when building bridges or solving equations, but they tend to backfire when applied to people.
Your intentions are probably good, but treating people’s struggles like problems is invalid.
It makes them feel like they shouldn’t have problems or that they should be able to solve them right away. And for those who are suffering or upset, feeling bad can lead to defensiveness, communication breakdowns, and long-term relationship troubles.
When we’re upset, most of us just want to feel understood and to feel like we’re not alone.
Another option is to first validate their distress and postpone efforts to resolve the problem.
Validating someone’s conflict simply means letting them know that you understand what they are saying and that they are right to feel that way. .
For example, imagine your spouse comes home from work looking anxious and stressed. She asks what’s wrong and he says she thinks she’s going to get fired. She went on to explain how she completely botched a potentially huge new sale, leaving her boss furious.
Instead of spelling out the three reasons why she’s not likely to get fired (problem solving), you might start by saying, Sorry, honey. That sounds like a terrifying experience.I’d be pretty worried too (verification).
This first word of affirmation will help your spouse feel heard and that you are with them.
When we’re upset, most of us just want to feel understood and to feel like we’re not alone.
This is why learning how to validate problems is a very useful tool. This repositions the relational dynamics so that they are on the same team rather than rivals.
“Do not despise mercy, it is the gift of a tender heart.”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
2. To act more compassionately, discover the following features:
Good therapists are trained to look beneath the appearance of a behavior and find the function it serves.
for example:
- You see your spouse having a hard time opening a can of pasta sauce, so you casually suggest tapping the top edge of the can with a knife to loosen it.
- Out of nowhere, he yells profanities at you, criticizes you for always being absorbed in your work, and storms out of the room, slamming the door behind him.
- A little confused and more than a little hurt, you blame the hormones and hope everything will be over soon.
The surface level interpretation is as follows. He’s really stupid! But to go deeper, you might ask yourself:
What is the use of being angry or criticizing me?
Developmentally, he may be struggling with his identity as a middle-aged man. And having his failure to be independent (opening the bottle) called out to him in a way that probably felt humiliating was pretty hurtful. And when we feel hurt or hurt, we often vent our anger.
Now, you may still not agree with your spouse’s abusive behavior towards you. But if you take the time to understand why he did it and accept that it makes sense on some level, you’ll be able to have a little more compassion for him.
“Make it a habit to judge people and things in the most favorable light at all times and in all situations.”
— Vincent DePaul
Photo: Timur Weber/Pexels
3. Practice being vulnerable to become more intimate.
As a psychologist, I’ve learned that one of the most powerful tools I have to help my clients is to occasionally exploit vulnerability.
For example, I might share a short story about how I struggled with something similar to them. I’ve even allowed myself to shed tears when a client told me a particularly sad story that really touched me.
The benefit of such vulnerable moments, although difficult, is that they significantly strengthen the strength of the relationship, instilling trust, intimacy and mutual admiration.
Of course, these are relatively rare in therapy, but they illustrate the importance of vulnerability in relationships of all kinds. If you intentionally try to be vulnerable in a relationship, especially in a marriage, you have the potential to take your relationship to new heights.
Deliberate vulnerability can overestimate even the most volatile relationships.
For example, a common problem for married couples is that they feel they have lost a sense of intimacy and connection over the years.
There’s less passion and excitement about the marriage, their love life is probably on the decline, and they’re generally not that interested in each other anymore.
The key to repairing these relationships is to be intentionally vulnerable.
A willingness to share your pain, struggles, hopes, and dreams with radical honesty can build a deep connection and level of intimacy almost instantly. And with intimacy comes all the things we feel we’ve lost over time: passion, excitement, desire, connection, and even humor.
But it’s hard…
Being vulnerable means opening yourself up to pain.
- There’s always a chance that the other person won’t retaliate, make fun of you, or use the opportunity to hurt you.
- Or maybe it just feels awkward.
In any case, it is natural to be afraid and hesitant to be intentionally vulnerable. But if that person is someone you generally trust and the relationship is worthwhile enough, vulnerability is the key to breathing new life into the relationship.
A great way to start is to practice being vulnerable in small ways.
By doing this consistently, you’ll steadily gain the confidence you need to be vulnerable in a big way. And once you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you can unlock the true potential of your relationships.
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.”
—Brene Brown
nick wignall The psychologist and author shares practical advice for mental health and well-being. He is the founder of his The Friendly Minds newsletter.
This article was originally published at: Moderate. Reprinted with permission from the author.