Relationship problems are common and normal, but how couples deal with them determines their success in solving them.
Most couples spend a lot of time negotiating and problem-solving. It’s simply because there are so many things that have to be negotiated and decided in a relationship. But just because you do it often doesn’t mean you’re good at it. And most of us aren’t.
When marital problems disrupt your peaceful life with your spouse, you want to know how to repair your relationship and resolve all issues right away.
This issue comes up a lot when I’m coaching couples, so I focus on four key areas to help reduce tension around the issue and help people resolve it more effectively. Masu.
Here are four small ways you can solve your marriage problems better than most couples.
1. Change what you can do, not your partner.
Before you ask your partner to change their behavior or attitude, ask yourself what would be different.
For example, when you live with someone 24/7, small things can become big problems. Something like that happened to me a few years ago. And I knew there were several options for how to deal with it.
Talking to your partner about it can turn a small thing into a big problem. Or you can try changing the way you think about it.
I chose the latter option and experimented.
My husband had developed the habit of going to the kitchen after dinner and having a banana as his evening snack. And even though he is very tidy and orderly in every aspect of his life, he always leaves his banana peels on the counter, even though the trash can is less than a foot away from him. I did.
Of course, this may not seem important to you at all, but as this happened every night, I started getting more and more annoyed about it. It got so bad that I started to think he had put the banana peel there on purpose to drive me crazy.
That’s when two insights struck me:
- Perhaps my husband didn’t think this little thing was so bothersome to me.
- My reaction to his behavior was the cause of the problem.
With this in mind, I started experimenting. On the first night, I went to the kitchen as usual and saw a banana peel. But this time, I called out, “Honey! You left your banana peel on the counter! I love it when you do that! You’re so cute.”
I don’t know how he reacted to this because he was in the living room at the time. But I continued this for about a week. Guess what happened? I started to feel my attitude changing until her husband’s annoying behavior actually turned into an adorable little quirk of hers.
The experiment was a success, so there was no need to talk about it.
2. First, seek mutual understanding
Of course, there are many times when couples need to agree on important issues. How can we be effective problem solvers when we disagree?
A good rule of thumb is to always seek understanding first. In other words, never try to resolve a problem until you have thoroughly discussed it and you both understand why the other person thinks and feels the way they do.
We often skip this and end up making inaccurate assumptions, which can lead to further disagreements.
3. Choose the right timing
Timing is everything. Choose the time to discuss the issue carefully. Don’t take it with you to work or during commercial breaks on your partner’s favorite TV show.
Disaster ensues when we get tired, stressed, or distracted when dealing with problems. Make sure you’re both relaxed and comfortable and have enough time.
4. Choose your words
Please remove the following phrase from your vocabulary.
- “You’ll never…”
- “You always…”
- “you should…”
- “That can’t be true…”
- “I’ll try…” (this usually means making a half-hearted effort but not fully succeeding).
It’s easy to see why using these phrases is useless. Because we don’t like it at all when our partners use these phrases against us.
What about those irreconcilable differences? Changing your attitude is especially helpful when it comes to unsolvable problems like this.
When irreconcilable differences arise, we often focus our energy on getting our partner to agree. What if we instead asked, “What can I do to protect the rest of my relationship from this unsolvable problem?”
This puts us on the same team instead of on opposite sides and opens up more possibilities and better solutions.
Whatever we invest our energy into is what grows.
Winning arguments at the expense of our unity does not serve us, and being right about something is often overvalued, especially in relationships. A more effective approach is to ask yourself, “What can I do to reduce tension and have a positive impact?”
This attitude adjustment eliminates the blame game and puts us in the driver’s seat moving toward connection.
When dealing with problems as a couple, our attitude is important and can greatly determine our success. We can get angry and blame our partner, or we can ask ourselves what we can do to foster communication, understanding, and cooperation.
We are always responsible for our actions and reactions, and we are stronger, saner, and more successful when we tackle problems as a team.
Debbie Gallery I am a speaker and relationship coach with over 25 years of experience coaching and leading relationship and marriage seminars.she is the author of small steps towards greater love.