Divorce teaches us a lot about marriage, love, relationships, and happiness.
In 2012, not only did I graduate as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I married my boyfriend of four years. I’d love to say it was the happiest two weeks of my girlfriend’s life, but the graduation ceremony was actually much more fun.
Well, the honeymoon was fun. But to be honest, I wasn’t excited about my wedding. That in itself should have been a sign.
After I got home and the excitement subsided, I remember thinking, “What have I just done?” But by then it was too late.
After three and a half years, I separated from my husband, moved into my parents’ house, and filed for divorce. It was a tough few months, but I was grateful when I made the final decision in June 2016.
After getting through all of those emotions, I realized that I didn’t just become a better woman because of it. But after going through it, I learned a lot.
Here are five painfully honest truths about marriage that my divorce taught me.
1. There are no right people, but there are wrong people.
When you’re younger and dating, you can get so excited about the future that you overlook warning signs in your partner.
Because you are focused on the butterflies in your stomach, you see qualities and characteristics as small things. The reality is that one day the butterfly will fly away and you will not be able to leave the person with that terrible trait.
Then you will see how wrong they are for you. You thought he was Mr. Right, but that was a big mistake.
2. A ring won’t change the relationship.
What happens to the relationship before the wedding is what happens afterward. A wedding or a ring does not change the way we are in a relationship, how we interact with each other, and how we treat each other.
If you treat each other badly before marriage, you will continue to treat each other badly after marriage. Rings do not solve problems or mend rifts in relationships. If you were a cheater before, you will always be a cheater.
If you were an asshole before, you’re going to be an asshole after the wedding. You don’t get married for the ring. At least it shouldn’t.
The purpose of getting married is because you want that person to be your partner forever. You will want to incorporate them into your life in all situations. If you can’t say that from the bottom of your heart, reconsider why you’re getting married.
3. There’s no shame in ending a relationship that doesn’t work out.
Sometimes in life we go through unpleasant events and experiences. so what? Its the life!
Hold back, wipe your tears, and don’t listen to what others say. They’re not in your shoes. You have to do what is right and authentic to you.
If it is the right decision, you will be at peace with it and everything else will fall into place. There will still be tough times, but as the old people say, tough times don’t always last, but tough people do.
Just because you wake up one morning and decide you don’t need your spouse anymore doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll divorce. I think that’s true, but it’s not for everyone.
If the vows made by both parties are not kept, divorce becomes an option. Marriage is an agreement and a contract. Contracts are often void if the terms of the contract are breached. The same thing happens with divorce.
And frankly, most people don’t make the decision to divorce without seriously thinking about the idea of divorce and what it means for them and their families. The reality is that people only consider divorce after they have had a hard time in their marriage and have dealt with a lot of heartache and pain.
4. Love does not equal compatibility
A university professor taught our class an interesting theory about marriage. “Love without money is a nuisance.”
I thought it was strange at the time, but now I’ve come to agree with it. Love alone is not always enough. You can love someone as much as you want, but there are other factors and circumstances to consider.
There is also a practical side to relationships. It’s not just roses, rainbows, and butterflies. Compatibility is more than just a conflict of interest. It is also the ability to agree and be on the same page regarding decisions made in a marriage.
It’s the ability to negotiate and share ideas. Ability to be a teammate. Compatibility means having to deal with difficult issues and constantly communicate. If compatibility isn’t working, communication won’t work.
5. It’s not just love
If divorce taught us nothing else, it’s that relationships are difficult and take a lot of work. When you say you love someone, there needs to be action behind it.
You can’t just say it out loud and hope it works out for the best. It requires love, dedication, commitment, patience, communication, and determination. Sometimes you end up marrying the wrong person and that’s okay. You have to heal from it and learn from it.
Divorce is painful, but the healing that comes from it is liberating and beautiful. Not only did it teach me lessons about relationships and what to look for, but it also taught me a lot about myself and the women I choose. I hope others who have made a similar journey find healing, lessons, and a beautiful path.
Janika Veasley, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist dedicated to helping couples, families, and individuals live holistic, healthy lives.