Couples often find themselves in a dilemma. It’s because they never discussed their hopes and expectations before committing to “love and hold” each other for the rest of their lives.
Sadly, Only 44 percent of couples seek premarital counselingEven when it does, counseling often focuses on surface-level issues.
It is worth the time and effort for couples to become more aware of each other’s inner world.
Many couples don’t realize the unspoken expectations that each other brings to the marriage.
Here are 5 unusual topics you should talk about before getting married.
1. Your level of self-awareness
Self-awareness means being aware and being honest about how you act and interact with others. It also means being aware of your thought processes and typical emotions.
All you can do is change what you notice and work on it. Looking honestly at your fears is critical to addressing destructive patterns that can affect your relationships.
The more self-aware you are, the more likely you are to have a healthy and long-lasting marriage. A healthy sense of self allows you to deal with past hurts and problems more confidently.
People who lack self-awareness tend to have problems in relationships because they don’t know how they will come across or how their partner will be affected.
They misunderstand clues or miss them entirely. They may be overly paranoid, anxious and blaming others if things go wrong.
Having a healthy self-esteem requires self-awareness. By doing so, you can allow yourself to focus on your shortcomings without falling into shame or blame.
Once you know your weak areas, you can work on them. No one is perfect, but you can own up to yourself and apologize when you make a mistake.
Deep bonding occurs when two partners share weaknesses, apologize to each other, and support each other for further healing and growth.
2. Where your family is from
As we grow up, certain prerequisites are “mapped” into us. Our family of origin is where we learn to communicate and form patterns of relationships.
We develop deeply ingrained values and beliefs, so it helps to be aware of them and compare them to your partner’s upbringing.
One purpose of discussing these differences is to help you confront and resolve difficult events and patterns that have affected you, such as having critical or judgmental parents. The result is a feeling of never being enough.
Many parents are doing their best. But identifying the parental wound is essential so that we can recognize it and heal it.
Another benefit is that increased awareness paves the way for better relationships with extended families on both sides. We can learn to overlook the attacks of critical in-laws and set appropriate boundaries with demanding family members.
The most important aspect you have now is the opportunity to break negative generational patterns and create a healthier environment for your future family.
3. What Will Break Your Marriage Arrangement?
No one wants ugly surprises. What are the “non-negotiables” for you and your partner? If you can’t stand lying or keeping secrets, tell your partner.
Many spouses do not learn about substance abuse problems or coercive behavior until years after marriage.
Don’t ignore “red flags” such as excessive spending or signs of substance abuse. Don’t overlook destructive behavior that you don’t want in you or your children.
Again, the challenge is to notice and recognize what you consider to be a deal breaker.
How do you respond to cheating? Or excessive flirtation? Do you know exactly how much debt your partner has? Do you feel heard and respected in your relationship, or do you feel like your opinion is disrespected or ignored?
Setting boundaries now can save you from dilemmas later.
4. How to deal with disagreements
Once you both have calmed down, take a moment to reflect on your recent fight and analyze what happened.
Did one shut down while the other continued to operate? What was acceptable and what was not in the disagreement?
Try to be honest with each other about how you reacted through anger and how you failed to recognize or share the hurt and fear hidden behind your emotional outbursts. please.
What is the story behind this reaction?
For example, if you were abandoned by your parents, do you feel anxious or angry when your partner becomes withdrawn?
These situations can be turned into useful self-discovery. From there you can improve yourself. When you become a couple, you can realize each other’s pain points and deepen your relationship.
5. The marriage culture you want to create
Perhaps at this point, marriage culture is taking shape in your relationship.
For example, how do you usually interact and treat each other? Are you kind and polite to each other? How do we address each other?
Take an honest look at your marriage. What do you like and dislike about the habits you’ve formed together? Do you acknowledge each other in your verbal responses, even when talking about everyday mundane things?
Research shows that the following habits A positive response to your spouse is important So that the relationship lasts.
Research shows that marriages tend to be successful when spouses build them. A culture of expressing gratitude every dayadmiration, and favor.
Is this natural for both of you? Why or why not? Do you want to change even if your parents didn’t share positive words? How important is this to your partner?
Marriage is serious business, and it works better when both partners are honest with themselves and willing.
Taking the time to reflect and discuss these points can create a deeper connection between you and potentially save you a lot of heartache in the years to come.
Photo: Aleksey Mnogosmyslov Via Shutterstock
Cecilie croissant She is a licensed counselor in private practice in Tulsa, Oklahoma, where she helps couples prepare for marriage and overcome obstacles in their relationships. She has spoken at conferences around the world, and in recognition of her years of work mentoring and developing leaders in more than 30 countries, she was awarded her honorary doctorate in 2018.