JUntil a few years ago, the question of whether to open a relationship was mostly asked in hushed tones. “So they’re sleeping with other people now?” someone might whisper. “Wait a minute, how many people are you dating?” someone else might mutter. But fast forward to 2024, and these types of conversations have turned into dinner table chats.
Polyamory seems to be everywhere. From flashy headlines and viral TikTok clips to teen dramas and dating app profiles, ethical non-monogamy (as it’s sometimes called) is a constant topic of conversation. Much of the recent interest is due to one woman: Molly Roden Winter. Her debut work is More information: Memoirs of an open marriagethe 51-year-old married mother of two details how she decided to reinvent her sexual self through polyamory.
“I felt like there was no talk about this from the mainstream and it felt very closed off,” Winter said. new york times Profile of the current topic. “I often feel like mothers aren’t supposed to be sexual beings.” Well, it looks like that’s all about to change.according to YouGov, one-third (34%) of Americans describe their ideal relationship as something other than fully monogamous. Meanwhile, according to a survey, YouGov From July 2023 onwards, 35 per cent of Britons believe humans are not naturally monogamous.
However, as knowledge about the practice increases, so does confusion for the uninformed. What does opening a relationship actually mean? What kind of person do you need to be for it to work? What kind of relationship do you need to have with yourself and your major partner? And how on earth do people make time for it?
The problem is that there is a lack of understanding about polyamory, which can make it uncomfortable for people who want to try it.So we end up relying on tired cultural stereotypes to fill in the blanks – think about it nip/tuck and vicky christina barcelona – But not all poly people are overly horny, hairy Europeans like Javier Bardem. In fact, the vast majority are just ordinary, run-of-the-mill citizens who just happen to have slightly unconventional love lives. And whether you’re interested in wading into the infinitely deep waters of polyamory or not, we can all learn a lot from them, proponents of the practice say.
“Polyamory and other forms of non-monogamy require good interpersonal skills and a willingness to tolerate uncomfortable emotions,” explains non-monogamy peer supporter and author Annie Andan . “There are going to be times (like in a monogamous relationship) when someone gets jealous or upset. And as I say, you learn, ‘Big emotions are okay, bad behavior is not.’ It’s essential. You need calming and coping skills.”
The skills needed to excel in polyamory overlap with the skills needed to excel in monogamy. It’s clear communication, boundaries, flexibility, and emotional intelligence. “One of the things I ask people who are seeking multiple relationships is, ‘Do you know what a healthy relationship looks like?'” Andan adds. “If not, you may want to consider whether you are prepared to approach multiple companies.”
There is also a degree of skepticism towards polyamory among newcomers. How do you know if you want to be in a relationship or just want to end your current relationship because you’re attracted to someone else? Do you want a poly relationship or are you unhappy and are leaving your partner behind? Do you just want to have an affair? If you’re asking yourself these questions, polyamory may not be for you.
“When I started feeling that inner urge to explore this fascination that felt so exciting and expansive to me, I knew I was ready for polyamory,” says the 36-year-old, who has been polyamorous for six years and now has two children. says Imaginatrix, a perverted and erotic hypnosis educator with a partner.
“I knew I loved my partner of 13 years, but I also knew deep down that his love for me was not finite. And when I allowed myself to explore it, , I realized all the ways I had unconsciously limited my intimacy with others and controlled my behavior around others in a thousand little ways so as not to “make a bad impression” on them. Ta. ”
Making a change was liberating, even if it meant divorcing her ex-partner of 13 years. “Even in difficult moments, she has never regretted her choice to live as herself,” she added. “The connections I’ve made since becoming polyamorous are much deeper, more fun, and more vibrant than I think I could have as a monogamous person.”
It may sound obvious, but basic organizational skills are also important, given the logistical task of dividing time between multiple partners. “Love is infinite, but time and energy are finite. If you’re not willing to manage your time and energy, your relationships won’t work, and you won’t work as an individual,” says polyamory educator Laura Boyle. say. She says, “It is also essential to be willing to question the norms of how relationships ‘should’ be, or how things should be in love. This is why you often see people who seem a bit “counterculture” in polyamory. They are used to questioning other norms, so it is natural for them to question them in this sense. ”
Although views on unconventional dating styles have advanced by leaps and bounds, it’s also important to remember that there are still significant social taboos around polyamory. Next, you need to approach it with a strong sense of self.
Leanna Yau, who runs an educational blog, says, “To avoid losing yourself in multiple relationships, you need to be very assertive and know what you want and what you don’t want. There is a need,” he added. polyphilia. “A lot of people think you need to be extroverted, but I think all you need is to know how to express yourself and have a healthy sense of curiosity and adventure. It doesn’t have to be. I know a lot of people who aren’t.”
But some people say you should avoid polyamory, especially considering that its success depends on solid communication and strong self-esteem. “Polyamory is definitely putting pressure on attachment wounds from childhood for a lot of people,” says Lo Moed, who runs an educational account on Instagram titled @unapolyetively.
“In monogamy, people can feel like they are someone’s whole world, their entire universe, and they become dependent on this dynamic to feel safe. , for those who feel like they can’t face it yet, polyamory is probably a strong trigger for them.”
To have a successful poly relationship, you need to be completely emotionally literate about how to navigate relationships, and only certain people are really able to do that. “I often say that non-monogamy is a lot like alcohol in that it serves to amplify what’s happening to you,” says her community leader on dating app WeAreX. , says Natasha Joury.
“Whether it’s anxiety or self-confidence issues, this piece will shine a light on it. This usually has one of two outcomes: one or more people are able to overcome it and find something positive.” It’s either find the consequences or the relationship is destroyed.”
If you decide to open up as a couple, a particular form of polyamory known as “hierarchical polyamory,” you have a primary partner but also pursue other romantic or sexual relationships, individually or together. I will do it. In that case, the original relationship must be similar as well. Please place it in a particularly strong place beforehand. “Not everyone likes a hierarchical approach, but if you do, you need to understand that you are not a single unit,” Yau adds. “You need enough independence to be able to recognize each person as a separate individual with different needs and desires, while at the same time not taking the other person’s feelings as your own.”
Also be aware that things can get mixed up or misunderstood in the early stages. “I think things can feel very awkward at first. Even if someone hasn’t done anything wrong, it can be quite upsetting and discourage them from exploring what they were doing. I think it can be a hindrance,” Yau says. “But if you give in to those feelings every time your partner gets upset or anxious about something, you’re not going to feel comfortable in whatever you’re doing. But also thinking long-term, it’s important to be able to soothe and reassure each other without stopping everything you’re doing.”
This means that venturing into polyamory is not easy and requires a significant amount of societal conditioning to be released from the idea that love is about two people being committed to each other, getting married, and having several children (and/or small animals). there will be. But if curiosity and excitement make you think deeply about it, it might be worth a try. “Take a chance,” suggests sex educator Emily L. DePass. “If you try to silence it but the thought keeps coming back to your head, that’s probably a sign that it’s not going away.”