“Is it okay if I let you do it just this once? I’m afraid you’ll like it and ask me to do it again.”
Rappler’s Life & Style section features advice columns by husband and wife duo Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a Masters in Law from Oxford University, worked as a banker for 37 years on three continents and for the last 10 years has worked as a co-teacher and sometimes co-therapist with clients who face financial challenges in their everyday lives..
They have written two books together. Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho Mistress Mentality and Imported love: Filipino-foreigner relationships.
Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Bear:
I love my boyfriend and he has a fantasy about having a threesome, i.e. there are two girls, including me. He asked me if I would go along with it and I said yes.
But I also told him I’m not ready yet. Is it okay to let him do this just this one time? I’m scared he’ll like it so much he’ll ask for it again.
thank you,
Desiree
Dear Desiree,
Thank you for your e-mail.
Three of our most recent columns ( here , here , and here ) have dealt with threesomes, so be sure to check them out.
But there are other issues, the main one being undoubtedly the type of relationship I want with my boyfriend, let’s call him Jose.
Is this just a short-term relationship, or do you hope it will lead to marriage? If it’s the former, and you’re comfortable making his dreams come true, that’s great. But if it’s the latter, you need to seriously consider the consequences of agreeing to a threesome.
Threesomes aren’t a problem as long as they’re consensual, the people involved are adults, and they’re comfortable enjoying an open relationship. But most people have different views of what an ideal relationship should be, including mutual respect, exclusivity, and chastity (no wonder the typical marriage vows include the phrase “forsaking all else”).
So if your relationship with Jose is still in the relatively early stages and he asks you to invite a third party into his bed, you need to ask yourself some questions: Is this a one-time thing? What’s Jose’s next fantasy? And are you up for it?
Finally, one interesting way to further explore Jose’s attitude is to see how he responds to the suggestion that a threesome is okay, but that the third person should be a man. Will he be willing to demonstrate his affection for you in the same way that he is asking you to do so?
Best of luck,
JAF Bear
Dear Desiree:
Thank you for your letter.
You haven’t mentioned how you initially reacted to your boyfriend’s (let’s call him Tim) request, but I would imagine you were scared for three reasons.
- You begin the letter by saying that you love Tim very much, as if to tell yourself that if you love him so much, you have to go along with his fantasy.
- Here are some reasons why I haven’t done it yet:
Not ready.
b. You are asking for “permission” to say “no” if he asks again (which you have the right to do); you are asking for “permission to do this (just this once)”; and, it sounds like you are asking for permission to let him know you don’t want to do it again if he asks you in the future. - You had gone into great detail about not wanting to have a threesome more than once, yet you described your response to his request as a simple three-word “I said yes,” almost as if you wanted it to be over and done with, as if it had never happened.
Of course, this makes me want to ask, “If participating in a threesome is so abhorrent to you, why agree to it in the first place? If the idea of participating in a threesome is so repulsive that you never want to do it again after doing it once (because you said you would), why agree to participate in it in the first place?”
I think the reason is that you love him and want to please him so much that you agree to do things you don’t want to do.
The only thing I want you to think about is what would happen if you broke up. Breakup is probably the last thing you want to think about (next to actually having a threesome). And I’m not saying breakups are inevitable. Marriages are harder to end, but couples still break up. Single people break up more often.
In other words, talking about the possibility of breaking up isn’t a reflection of your or his personal opinion of you or your experience with threesome sex. It simply reflects reality.
People who love each other enough to get married break up, people who love each other enough to agree to a threesome to please their beloved boyfriend break up, etc. If you and Tim break up, will agreeing to a threesome be one of your biggest regrets, or something you can easily shrug off as “win or lose”?
If it’s the latter, then by all means, go ahead and try it, but make it very clear to him that this is a one-time thing. You’re agreeing to this threesome because you love him, but emphasize that he can only ask you to do this once. If he asks you to do this again, you’ll break up with him (but only say this if you really mean it and can follow through).
But if it’s the former, don’t agree to this threesome. Sure, it may be one of his biggest fantasies, but it sounds like one of your biggest fantasies is to not be asked to participate in a threesome. So…Please wait (You are both lost in your own fantasies).
It’s definitely healthier for you, as well as your partner, to meet your own needs and fulfill your dreams and fantasies before meeting the needs of others or fulfilling the fantasies of others.
all the best,
M.G. Homes
– Rappler.com