“One of my most memorable rock bottom moments happened on a rainy Saturday night when my ex-girlfriend stopped by. We were trying to be friends and it was a disaster. We weren’t friends, we were ex-girlfriends and we were trying to ‘act’ like ‘friends. If anything, I couldn’t get her back because she didn’t need me anymore.I’ll admit it really hurt, but before that I needed to see the truth.”I can’t move on.” I was. ” — from my book “Letting Go”
As a clinical psychologist with expertise in relationships and addictive behavior, I am often asked if I can be friends with my ex after a breakup. As with most things in relationships, the real answer is that it depends.
Being “friends” with an ex can be a very slippery slope, full of relationship dynamics and emotions that can make it really difficult.
If you’re thinking about making friends with your ex but aren’t sure, here are four signs that you’re probably not ready. At least not yet.
1. You are still in love.
If you still have a romantic obsession with your ex, or are madly in love with him, it can be very difficult to transition to a platonic friendship. We may be friends one day, but not today.
2. You are still having sexual relations with them.
Being a friend means not being in a romantic relationship or a sexual partner. Not only is sex and orgasm used as tools to get your ex-lover’s attention, but it also releases hormones and neurotransmitters in your body that can make you more attractive and obsessed.
In the long run, having sexual contact with your ex often makes it more difficult to move on.
3. I would like to get back together.
If you are currently breaking up, something about your relationship went wrong for you, your ex, or both of you.
If you’re secretly hoping to get back together and be friends, stop for a second.
This can leave you holding out false hope. Try to be friends only if you can honestly accept the fact that you are not together.
4. You pursue friendships out of guilt or insecurity.
If you’re worried about breaking your ex’s heart, cheating, or being single, and guilt and anxiety are driving your desire to be friends with your ex, take a moment to pause. These are not the healthiest reasons to be friends.
Pursue friendships because you really like your ex and want them in your life.
Whether or not you and your ex-lover can transition from romantic partners to “platonic friends” is a question only you can answer.
In general, if you decide that keeping an ex in your life is going to negatively affect you and their well-being, you may feel sad, anxious, react emotionally, get stuck in the past, and think about your ex. It’s probably impossible to be friends with your ex if you feel like you’re remembering them. healthy way.
For most people, taking time and space away from their ex after a breakup is part of the healing process.
Over time, if both of you are ready, you can reconnect as friends.
Dr. Courtney Warren, ABPP, is a clinical psychologist and Adjunct Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas (UNLV). She is also the author of Letting Go of Your Ex and Lies We Tell Ourselfs.
This article was originally published at: psychology today. Reprinted with permission from the author.