The reason open marriages are so controversial is precisely because open marriages rely so heavily on trust and honesty to work, and so many are in the minds of those seeking open marriages. In that case, such a thing is not considered.
The guy on Reddit is a perfect example of this and how his request ultimately blew up in his face.
He asked for an open marriage, and now that he has one, he is begging to go back to monogamy.
According to therapists, open relationships and polyamory are legitimate forms of partnership, but they get a bad rap from many people. This is partly because they are often based on one partner’s desire to essentially cheat without consequences.
This man is a perfect example of that. “He feels like he’s made a complete fool,” he wrote. his reddit post before he continues with the familiar story. “My wife and I have been married for 19 years. I love her, but I felt like the sparkle had gone out of our lives.”
He didn’t want a divorce, but he also didn’t want things to stay the same. “So I suggested an open marriage,” he writes. “She was upset at first, but she eventually agreed.
He thought no one would want a wife and that he could get all the dates he wanted. In fact, it was just the opposite.
Calling the fact that he sought an open marriage “a mistake,” he continued, “I’ve learned that just because I’m not as attracted to my wife as I was when we got married doesn’t mean it means anything.” . Other men will probably feel the same way. ”
In fact, he didn’t have anyone to date, but his wife said, “I’ve dated so many men that I don’t know how to interact with them.”
In fact, he’s so stubborn that he asked a female colleague out on a date. “Even though I’m not her manager and we have an open marriage, she complained to her manager and showed HR my messages,” he wrote. “I lost my job.”
He now longs to return to monogamy, but his wife adamantly refuses.
“I just can’t stand knowing she’s with another man,” he wrote. “I told my wife that I wanted to dissolve her marriage again, because I was stupid for proposing her in the first place.” Her response? “She said no, she’s happy with the status quo.” Oops.
His wife wasn’t the only one completely unsympathetic to his plight. “When I told my brother about this, he called me a fool and that I had become a dunce by expecting his wife to look the same as when we married. I said,” he wrote.
His brother didn’t stop there. “He went so far as to say that she takes good care of herself and that she is in great shape for a 44-year-old, and that she doesn’t look much like a 20-year-old. [and] My wife looks better than me and I had the courage to say it was okay to lose a little more weight. ”
“I love my wife, so I don’t want to divorce her,” he concluded. “I didn’t want to get divorced, so I suggested divorce first. But she doesn’t want to end her marriage.” Exactly the dilemma!
Therapists say it’s not uncommon to be jealous of men who ask for an open marriage.
Therapist Leslie Doares said problems like this are often caused by fundamental inequalities in relationships. “If you do not believe that you are equal and do not claim your space as equal, you will be at the mercy of your partner’s desires,” she wrote.
I can’t summarize what happened here any better. Legendary therapist Esther Perel believes that open relationships and polyamory will become more and more the norm over time, especially as we all live longer and longer.
But the key to making these relationships successful is their motivation, she said. “It wasn’t done out of disillusionment, but out of hope and dedication,” she said. Again, a very perfect summary of what went wrong for this couple.
And as always, the way out of the resulting mess, however difficult, is very simple. It’s about honestly evaluating the mistakes you’ve made and being willing to openly discuss them. I hope this situation is an opportunity for this guy to grow, or more precisely, grow.
John Sundholm is a news and entertainment writer covering topics related to pop culture, social justice, and the good of humanity.