- Danielle, an open relationship expert, posted a TikTok video explaining how she and her husband reached a stage of monogamy after 14 years of marriage.
- While the couple usually keep their marriage open to outside relationships, they explained in the video that they chose periods of exclusivity when they were pregnant with their first child, and when Danielle “dated too many people.”
- In an interview with People magazine, the TikTok creator opened up about what it’s like to “date too many people” and how it’s affected his family relationships.
Not all marriages are alike, but one couple’s unique philosophy on monogamy is sparking interest on social media.
Relationship expert Danielle doesn’t reveal her last name in her Open Commitment Coaching practice. TikTok Explaining Posts How she and her husband have gone through “two stages of monogamy” over the course of their relationship.
“Our first phase of monogamy was when we were both pregnant with our first child. We moved cities and were super excited about becoming parents, but I don’t think it was even planned. We just woke up one day and realized, ‘Wow, we’ve been monogamous for over a year now,'” Danielle explained in a video that has garnered 2.2 million viewers on TikTok.
Danielle explained how her husband asked her to be monogamous for a second time, several years after they’d gone public with their marriage, at a time when she said she was “having a lot of fun, being a bit wild and dating too many people.”
“A distance was beginning to grow between my husband and me,” Danielle continued, admitting that he asked her to “keep a low profile” but she didn’t immediately comply with his request, leading him to ask for periods of monogamy.
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“We talked, and I wanted to take the time to say goodbye and put closure on the relationships I’ve built. I felt that was what I needed and that it was fair to the people I was in relationships with,” Daniel said in the TikTok, which has garnered more than 84,400 likes since it was first posted in August 2022.
Danielle said that during their second exclusive relationship, the couple focused on their relationship and ensuring its stability. “For us, non-monogamy only works if our foundation is really strong,” she concluded.
Many in the comments section questioned why Danielle’s husband would ask her to “step back” on her affair if he agreed to an open relationship, but the TikTok creator told People that she was no longer able to balance her dating life with her family life.
“I was dating three people at once, which is too much because you’re essentially in four relationships, plus two kids, family, and friends,” she recalled. “Dating so many people at that time in my life ruined other relationships. It was a lesson learned, and one I don’t want to repeat.”
While the idea of stages in non-monogamy may sound foreign to those in more traditional, “closed” relationships, Daniel bases his perspective on more universal ideas.
“I think in society there are certain stages that are always talked about,” she explains, “You hear the term ‘honeymoon stage,’ when you’ve just started dating. And then there’s the ‘new parent stage,’ where everyone knows mommy and daddy aren’t sleeping because there’s a baby in the house.”
The relationship expert noted that common language also typically reflects the stages, adding: “They’ll say things like, ‘Oh, it’s just a phase,’ or ‘Oh, you and your husband are going through a difficult, tough time,'”
Danielle told People magazine that their relationship “continues to go through phases” as their pursuits and priorities shift.
“There was a time when one of us was really stressed, one of us was really confident in our work, one of us was trying new careers and doing really difficult things, and it was affecting our marriage,” the TikTok user said, noting that she and her husband had recently gone through a phase of restructuring their household dynamics.
“Right now, I’m pursuing my career as a content creator and author and I’m taking on more of the household responsibilities,” she explains, “so our relationship has become more traditional and he runs his own company.”
But no matter what state or stage her marriage is in, Danielle insists her two children, ages 7 and 10, will always come first. “If my dating life is affecting the time I can spend with my kids when they need me, then I won’t date,” she says.
Danielle is aware that she faces criticism from others because she is a mother, and she says the most negative comments she receives on TikTok are about her non-monogamous marriage negatively impacting her family.
“I think the argument I hear a lot is, ‘If you’re in an open relationship, it’s going to ruin your kids,’ and when you look at the divorce rates today, I feel like that’s a little unfair,” she told People magazine.
Despite what critics say, Danielle isn’t worried that her love life will get in the way of her parenting abilities.
“I think the main impact non-monogamy has on me as a parent is not the actual relationship, but other people’s perception of my relationship,” she said, adding that she and her husband plan to be honest with their children about their relationship when they feel it’s age-appropriate.
Overall, she feels that non-monogamy makes her a “more energetic, positive parent.”
“I feel energized when I go on dates. It brings me so much joy. I’m an outgoing person and I love meeting people. I really enjoy dating,” the author told People magazine. “I’m lucky that I still get to go on great dates with my husband, and I still get to go on fun dates with other people.”
According to the content creator, she has received comments accusing her of “destroying the concept of marriage” and questioning why she is married in the first place. Some viewers think her behavior is “only about sex,” but Danielle insists she holds herself to the same standards when dating as she does when married.
“I get a lot of comments calling me a slut, calling me sex-obsessed, and saying polyamory is just another form of sluttiness,” Danielle says. “Interestingly, in the 14 years I’ve been married, I’ve only had two serious relationships outside of marriage, which isn’t that many.”
Danielle’s dating style is intentional and focuses on “chemistry, joy, and excitement.” She says that some relationships meet her changing needs at certain stages in life.
“After my daughter was born, I wasn’t happy with my body. I’d just had major surgery and a C-section, and I’d gained a lot of weight, so I was really vulnerable,” she recalled to People magazine. “I found it hard to hear my husband tell me how beautiful I was, but then I started dating other men who told me I was beautiful, and that changed the way I heard it.”
Non-monogamy also gives Danielle the space to explore interests she doesn’t share with her husband, such as her outdoorsy tendencies.
“I recently went on a date with a guy who loved to go on 12-hour hikes with me,” she says. “It gives me energy and joy, and I can bring that energy home and share it with my family.”