“What if my coworker calls me his work husband in front of everyone and I call her my work sister?”
I (male, 34) work in a small office with about 30 employees. Mary (female, 35) is one of my coworkers. We’ve been working together for 6 years. Our department has 6 people and we are tasked with overseeing government projects, which requires us to travel a lot within the state.
We always travel in pairs. My travel partner changes depending on the project, but Mary and I are usually assigned to similar projects and enjoy each other’s company. My wife also likes Mary. Overall, we have a very good working relationship.
Back to the incident: Yesterday, we were having happy hour at the office, and we were all having drinks and chatting after work. There was a group of about 10 people left. Mary was chit-chatting about how we’d done a lot of traveling together over the past year.
She would make fun of my traveling habits, like how I always left things in my hotel room, or how I was sweaty and smelly when we went to breakfast together in the morning (because I go to the hotel gym), and everyone would laugh and she would comment on how insufferable I was to travel with (all in jest).
I also told her some funny and lovely stories about her and agreed with her that sometimes it can be difficult with me. Mary came to me, hugged me tightly, told me she loved me and that I was her husband at work. On the surface it was all innocent but she may have been a bit drunk and hugged me tightly and didn’t let go.
Also, I hate that word because I have a wife who I promised to be with forever, not just outside of work hours. After a few seconds, I started to feel uncomfortable and noticed some people staring at us, so to calm the situation I removed her hand from my shoulder and told her that she was my coworker and that’s why I like to annoy her so much.
Mary seemed upset by this and got up and went back to her desk and quietly cried. I tried to apologize to her but she told me how embarrassed the whole situation was. She said that she had only meant her work husband in a platonic way and that calling him her work sister made her sound like a creep in front of the whole office.
She was also upset that I had forced her hand off her shoulder while we were hugging. I tried to convince her that I don’t like the term “work husband” and that people get annoyed when she says it, so I was just trying to make sure people don’t take her the wrong way. We talked for a few minutes afterwards and Mary calmed down. She hugged me again and left.
I felt really guilty afterwards because I understood Mary’s point of view — I made her seem creepy by implying something inappropriate when she called me her work husband — but I was just a little uncomfortable in the situation and didn’t want people to call us that (or make false assumptions).
Am I the AH for calling Mary my “work sister”? As I sit in my office writing this, I’m a little worried that I’ve embarrassed her in front of everyone.
What do you think, AITA? Here’s what the top commenters have to say:
Mmmmm hummus Said:
NTA, I think you are being too lenient. The reason she immediately assumed you were calling her a weirdo is because she knows what she is doing is inappropriate. “Work husbands” are now widely considered inappropriate, and she knows it. You are correct in your response. You owe your true wife loyalty. Mary needs to step back and behave more professionally.
Strangely Said:
You’re an NTA. It’s common for work spouses to get into inappropriate relationships, but you were trying to stop the rumors. That’s great. I think work sisters is a much better term.
Banff 1701 Said:
NTA, I think you were right all along. Unfortunately, alcohol creates awkward situations for everyone, but I can understand that you were feeling uncomfortable in a long hug so you moved her arm away from you.
The problem is that Mary was only thinking about her own feelings, and never about how her actions made you feel. Mary realized that public displays of affection might make married men uncomfortable, but you just thought she was gross, and, to be honest, she looked like someone who had too much to drink and was flirting with a married man.
For sports balls Said:
NTA: You’re in your mid-30s. that teeth It is inappropriate to use words like work husband.Your wife doesn’t deserve to be treated like that and you know it. You did the right thing and you deserve respect.
Logical block 1507 Said:
Mary was inappropriate in many ways, and you did your best to defuse and correct the situation without making Mary look worse than she was. She decided to call you her “work husband” in front of others without knowing how you felt about the term, so the only person who made her look creepy is her.
If she was embarrassed, that’s not your fault, and it’s not your problem to solve. As for her getting “upset” because you “forcefully” removed her hand while she was hugging you, what she did was extremely inappropriate in the first place. That sort of thing could get you a meeting with HR. This is not your fault, OP. At all. NTA
Dizzy Ducky Said:
No, NTA, not even a little bit. You are one of the good guys and thank you for respecting your real wife and stopping this nonsense. She should be ashamed of her behavior. And maybe this will help her learn not to mess with other people’s spouses, or coworkers in general.
But I would take a step back from her and never get caught up in comforting her or controlling her feelings again – she is an adult woman and nothing of that nature is appropriate in the workplace.
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