“It happened again,” my friend Erin said as soon as I picked up the phone.
“What?” I asked.
“Jeremy is engaged,” she whispered. This is her fourth ex-lover who got engaged/married to the woman he was dating shortly after her.
“Oh,” I said and sat down. I knew it was going to be a long conversation.
“Why does every guy I date look for his own wife after we break up?!”
That was a valid question. Erin was beautiful, smart, and by all standards was doing well in her life. She had a great career, her own home, and a very cute dog. But while I’ve been married twice in the time I’ve known her, she’s only had one romantic relationship that lasted more than a few months.
There’s a new term for people like my friend. It’s an “adopted” boyfriend or girlfriend.
urban dictionary defines this as “a man/woman who dates the other person until they find their forever partner.” These adopted boys and girls are placeholders for someone to have in their life until they meet their future spouse.
My friend Erin said she was ready for a long-term relationship, but her actions clearly indicated otherwise. Her behavior will also determine how you can tell if you are her adopted boyfriend or girlfriend.
Here are six ways to tell if you’re an adopted boyfriend or girlfriend.
1. Spend most of your energy focusing on your career or checking it off your bucket list.
People who spend most of their time and energy advancing their careers, pursuing new experiences, and pursuing a particular lifestyle have little time for a serious relationship.
Erin was a nurse at one of the top trauma ERs in our area, working all night hours (7pm to 7am) 4-5 days a week. She was often overworked and exhausted due to her schedule and the demands of her job.
2. Communicate sporadically with people you are interested in
Erin really liked her recent ex-boyfriend, Jeremy, but had a hard time reaching out to him. She would sometimes leave his texts and calls unanswered for days.
She always blamed it on her busy schedule, but she never responded to someone by saying, “Hey, I’m really busy, but I’m glad to hear from you. I’ll try to check in when the time comes.” It doesn’t take long. Have free time! ”
3. I don’t particularly enjoy the “romantic” part of a relationship.
Erin didn’t mind public or private displays of affection. She wasn’t going to cuddle with a guy on the couch while watching a movie, and she wasn’t going to sleep next to someone after they slept together. Even though she and Jeremy had been dating for months, she only let him stay for one night.
“What do you do after that?” I asked her.
“If he looks like he wants to go out, tell him you’re busy today, get out of bed, get dressed, and toss his clothes.”
“Wow,” I said.
“I need sleep,” she said casually.
4. I like to spend a lot of time alone
Erin never cared about being alone. This is not a bad thing at all. We should all enjoy being alone, but she preferred being alone. The ultimate goal when you’re looking for “The One” is to become a companion, so it probably won’t match up with what you like.
If you prefer to be alone, you’re unlikely to spend time with someone you’re already seeing or make much effort to pursue or accept a date.
5. Go on a reasonable date
Erin’s busy schedule meant that her dates had to be easy and low-key, but she was always one step ahead. She rarely dresses up for dates, and there were times when she actually wore sweatpants.
Also, she always chose dates that were easy in other ways. She chose a location very close to her home or work, or a type of date that didn’t require too much commitment (coffee or drinks instead of dinner).
6. Never bring up long-term plans.
Erin avoided all conversations about the future. She called it “staying in the present,” but it often pushed her partner away. Jeremy kept asking her questions about where she saw herself in five to 10 years and whether she wanted to get married and have children someday, but she still didn’t have an answer after three months. “I don’t think so,” she replied. I do not know. ”
According to research from Purdue UniversityPeople show whether they’re actually ready for a relationship by engaging in some kind of “active pursuit.”
This looks like screening potential dates by asking questions about long-term plans, paying more attention to your appearance, flirting, and accepting or inviting others on dates. maybe. When you start dating someone, you also engage in behaviors that foster the relationship, such as communicating regularly and practicing conflict management.
If you are currently an adopted boyfriend or girlfriend and want that to change, you may need to evaluate whether that is actually what you want.
Perhaps getting to a certain point in your career is more important to you right now than walking down the aisle, and if that’s the case, that’s totally fine.
But if you’re unhappy with people forever following you, you need to evaluate and adjust your behavior. Talking to a therapist, counselor, or relationship coach may also be helpful. Any of these professionals can help you and hold you accountable for making such types of changes.
Tara Blair Balls is a certified relationship coach and podcast co-host of the show Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse. She is also the author of her three books: thank you for the love, couple goals diaryand Retrieval and Recovery: Healing from a Toxic Relationship.
This article was originally published at: Moderate. Reprinted with permission from the author.