I have met many couples who are struggling with their marriage. When you ask them how long the struggle has been going on, the answer is usually several years. If you keep asking people how they tried to heal themselves, 80% of the time the common answer is to have a baby, build or buy a new home, or have plastic surgery. Just looking at the modifications they may have used is stressful.
I can’t imagine trying to solve anything by adding a baby, the complications of buying or building a new home, or the pain and downtime of plastic surgery. But when you’re struggling in your marriage, you’re often feeling hopeless and not thinking clearly. You are trying to find the answer to what will unite us even more to protect our future.
Before you try to repair your marriage, take these four steps.
1. Sit down together and admit there is a problem in your marriage.
By identifying problems together, you can learn where each other’s weaknesses are, so you can focus on solutions.
2. Words like never, always, shouldn’t, can’t, won’t are less effective than “I think”.
Start thinking more about the present. What can you do today to improve your situation? Couples who start thinking about eternity become more stressed. Marriage is a lifestyle, but its strength lies in its ability to grow and change with both partners.
3. Do not allow more than 12 hours to pass without touching or connecting in any way.
The more you touch your partner, the less you talk and the more you listen, the stronger your marriage will be. A good rule of thumb is that for every three sentences your spouse says, she says one sentence. Practice, practice, practice.
4. Find a good counselor or mediator.
It is wise to let the therapist or mediator know in advance that you are having marital discord and need guidance to resolve the issue. This will help your therapist or mediator understand exactly what you want. Success is more likely when everyone focuses on helping solve the problem.
Many of the couples I work with didn’t have a good mentor to help them resolve their marital conflicts. That’s why I panic when things don’t go well. Their leaders (often their parents) used the “solution” described in this article, only to later divorce. There are other options as well. The birth of a baby, a new home, or plastic surgery can be a wonderful event, but not if it means losing the person you want to share it with the most.
mary jo rapini MEd, LPC is a psychotherapist, author, speaker, and intimacy counselor.