Dear Belle
I am a 69 year old married man with three wonderful children who are all doing well. Annie and I have been friends/partners/lovers for 55 years, have been married for 45 years, and are very happy together.
We are living a comfortable retirement. Twenty years ago, she started having health problems that worsened over time and caused her considerable pain and discomfort.
Until then, we had lived a normal, close marriage. However, over the past 10 years, sex in marriage was not possible due to the deterioration of her condition.
I’m not a demanding husband, so I can cuddle from time to time, but it’s been a simple case of restraint and abstinence.
Recently, a casual friend approached me with a proposal. She is the same age as us and her husband has Alzheimer’s disease. Thanks to local groups and activities, we have known them a little from afar over the years.
This woman’s approach to me seemed challenging. She was hinting at her infidelity. My first reaction was immediate recoil.
I politely apologized, thanked her for the suggestion, and we both laughed it off as a joke. But the proposal remains up in the air, and the flirting continues as usual.
It’s true that I’m known in the world as a cheater. It was always fun, but more than once over the years I had to use being married as an escape from a particular relationship to stop myself from moving on from the affair. It wasn’t twice.
I have never cheated or had a relationship with any woman other than Annie. But I’m not sure if I should reconsider.
After 10 years of abstinence…well, you ask yourself if this is your last chance to have a sexual relationship.
Even thinking about it makes me feel so guilty that I think it can’t happen.
But the temptation still exists. Therefore, we would appreciate receiving your independent and impartial opinions.
philippe
I wonder what male readers are thinking when reading this. Some may be jealous of this opportunity given to them without even asking.
“Good luck, my friend,” they might be whispering. But I wonder if they would take their own advice and take the risk.
Sex outside of marriage seems thrilling in fantasy, but what about in real life? Are you embarrassed? perhaps. Maybe you are conscious of your sagging butt? What happens when your little friend there fails to step up, so to speak?
More importantly, guilt, fatigue, fear, and potential pain all await the final cheater.
Philip, you’ve always enjoyed flirting, but you backed away from starting an affair, saying, “To be honest, love, it was just a little joke.” Grandma is at home. . . ”
Lead the kind women and escape into that wedding ring, eh? I don’t blame you. I used to have an incurable flirtation habit, but I lost that urge 16 years ago. But a little bit of cheekiness from each other is still a compliment. You don’t have to give up because of your age.
I heard that the other woman’s husband has Alzheimer’s disease, which must be a cause of great sadness. So it’s no surprise that she’s fantasizing about her new relationship. It might be a release like that.
But she has to realize that even if it’s just a casual affair, she’s putting herself at risk. Love rarely happens without consequences, and sometimes it can be heartbreaking.
Does she even consider the possibility of falling in love with the attractive older you? I’d put money on the fact that you never betray her love for your wife. Even if they indulge in sexual relations, they will simply think of it as scratching an itch.
The question is, do you think it’s right to take advantage of others in this way? A woman may say she’s happy, but she may end up expecting more. Where will it end?
And then there’s Annie, your soulmate for over half a century. She is not well, but (unlike that poor girlfriend’s husband) she is fully “present” in your joint life. Could she please tell her about her cheating in hopes that she will understand? I doubt it.
Sex will have an impact whether you confess it or not. Aside from lies, backroom deals, and guilt, one or both may turn out to be addicts. I already feel guilty just thinking about it, but how do I actually act?
Sex is an essential part of any relationship, people continue to say even into old age. I disagree. Celebrate the deep love, nurturing, spiritual connection, daily fun and companionship of two adults who love each other deeply. All of this adds up to one of the miracles of life that doesn’t depend on orgasms as we grow older.
Let’s be frank. Anyone can have pleasure if they want to, but there are always risks involved in having sex with someone else. I think you will agree.
I’m worried about my grandson who hates math.
Dear Belle
Our grandson (17) has just been expelled from university and we are feeling despair. He hated school and dropped out as soon as possible, after which he enrolled in university courses in which he showed little interest.
He failed his maths GCSE and was forced to sit it again. No matter how hard he tries, he can’t do it, so he’s skipping his math day. His parents were called to the university many times to discuss it.
He’s just not a scholar, but the real problem is that he’s not enthusiastic about anything or willing to put in the effort.
He had a few small jobs at fast food restaurants but managed to lose his job. Now, he plans to take a full-time job instead of going to college.
The problem is that I don’t see anything like that happening with his attitude towards work.
His parents are divorced and he lives with his mother. His father (my son) lives nearby and is a very hands-on father. They raise their children equally without animosity. The son did everything he could to support any interest the boy might have shown, but it all fell by the wayside.
If he is at work, the daughter-in-law will lose her allowance and the situation will become very difficult.
I’m worried he’ll turn to drugs and fall into bad company because he needs money for clothes and such.
Do you have any advice? His parents and me and his husband are very worried about his future.
If he doesn’t show initiative to help himself, what can we do?
there is
Who can be a teenager again? It’s bad enough having to worry about how you look, who you are, whether your friends like you, what you want to do, etc. Educators and politicians try to fit you into a one-size-fits-all mold.
I really like Rishi Sunak, but he’s one of those ideologues who says all children should learn maths until they’re 18. Instead of countless kids being driven to despair by fractions and percentages (like I was), they can learn something that will light their hearts. .
I failed my O-levels in mathematics and refused to retake them, but went on to gain an impressive degree from the University of London in 1969, which was a tough place to sit. I’m by your grandchild’s side. Perhaps in the future Mathematics will not be necessary, and if you are wise enough to take Mathematics, you will be able to take the exam of your own choice at the age of 25.
It’s a good thing that your son and ex-wife are co-parenting well. There is no doubt that both of you have worked hard with your grandchild, but of course there is a long way to go.
He sounds like he’s 17 or 15 years old. Boys may develop very slowly. When his son was struggling in school, I asked him: “What do you like to do most?” Let’s find out! The answer lies somewhere, and stubborn parents must look for it. Carpentry work? cooking? cosmetics? dog? hip hop? Gardening? Do you sell men’s clothing in a fashionable store?
The answer for moody, lazy, unmotivated teens may seem to be “nothing,” but the challenge for parents is not to let it go. There must be something somewhere that makes him feel worthy of standing up for himself. At least, that’s the hope.
I understand your concern. The world seems to be a dangerous place and there are so many temptations, but isn’t that always the case?
It would be such a relief for this boy to be freed from the awfully scary mathematics. He has to use that feeling.
Suggest that his parents make a list of things he really likes (anything) and see if they can find the next step on that list.
How does he see himself at 20 or 25 years old? What are his friends doing?
As a grandparent, you might be able to use the “carrot” approach, which isn’t really a bribe, but a cheerful promise to help if needed in the future. Above all, don’t worry too much about making such dire predictions. Because you don’t want to show any anxiety when you meet him.
It’s bad for you and really doesn’t help.
And finally…Christmas blessings in the midst of sadness.
This week, as I was listening to traditional carols and decorating the Christmas tree, my eyes briefly filled with tears.
When I placed my grandmother’s plastic star (from the 1950s) in glitter, it wasn’t a memory of her. And that was not the idea of my late parents, who taught me to love Christmas and cherish family celebrations.
No, because in the summer I vowed not to put up any trees. This year is different.
I often say that we all have to embrace change, whether we like it or not, and I always add the recognition of how difficult it is.
This year was one of the biggest tests in history. After my father passed away in 2021, my mother passed away in 2022, and in 2023 my son ended his 11-year marriage with someone I truly cared about.
The situation is extraordinarily, painfully complex, and no more needs to be said. On top of that, my poor daughter is seriously ill in more ways than one.
That’s why, devastated, I decided that my usual fancy tree wasn’t suitable. I’m going to break tradition just as my beloved family felt broken.
But I joked again to my husband that my two favorite words in the language are “bauble” and “tinsel.” Why?
Because by July I was already exhausted and anxious. grieve ――There will be fewer people this Christmas, and your grandchildren won’t be with you. Such an atmosphere cannot continue.
So I had to give myself the kind of “tough love” I sometimes give my readers. choice. Will you pick yourself up, support everyone, and get on with what’s left of your life…or will you remain angry, bitter, exhausted, and sad? Will we cry in vain over change or be grateful that we are all still alive?
Carefully and gratefully, I refilled the fragile glass that appeared to be empty.
That’s why I was so moved by the symbolic glow of the magic tree.