My girlfriend heard my explanation and said: I’m sure they did their best. ” I fell to the floor. I feel like her reaction shows a fundamental lack of empathy for the fact that I wasn’t blessed with her loving family like she was, and it’s making me reconsider our relationship. .
She apologized for the way she said it, but I really wonder if it’s possible to build a future with someone who shows such a lack of understanding about something so fundamental to who I am. Masu. Can you see a path forward here?
Anonymous: I can only see progress. Most of them don’t include her.
Way forward with her Also, some versions of this epiphany begin with her words: “The problem wasn’t just the way I expressed myself. Rather than listening to you and trying to understand the situation from your perspective, I looked at your life through my own lens. That was a huge selfish mistake and you deserved more recognition from me.”
Another way forward is for her to stick with her original assessment and make it her own. That means breaking up with you. Because if she really has little respect for your version of her own origin story, then breaking up is the only appropriate next step.
That still falls under your definition of “progress.” Because it allows you to meet people who understand you more, who trust you more, or both.
Or, if you sense an uncomfortable truth in her interpretation, it forces you to engage in the difficult and productive work of reevaluating your fundamental assumptions about yourself and your upbringing.
Another way to move forward is to use this experience to reflect on what you missed about your girlfriend and why. Values and worldviews don’t just apply to families. They always express themselves through our actions. If you’ve been dating someone as long and seriously as you say you’re dating your girlfriend, the only way a break this big can suddenly become scary is if you ignored or didn’t notice the signs. road.
Knowing what you know now, look back at your relationships to find the breadcrumbs that led you here. Did you ignore it? Do you justify them as different or do you wish they would go away? Did you hide the truth about your history because you thought she would react that way?
When you’re serious about making a relationship work, it’s not uncommon to make a few tweaks to your outward self and create a more positive impression on your partner. This is a perfectly normal impulse, and it can be completely self-defeating, leading us to prolong relationships with people who are wrong for us.
Transparency is healthy. This allows two people to determine if their true selves will work.
But it’s difficult. You have to be willing to break up not because you want to break up, but because you have to. It requires not only accepting that your partner isn’t as great as you expected, but also being willing to expose your true self to scrutiny and possible rejection.
Your girlfriend’s reaction was so problematic in part because you didn’t tell her the truth about your family until you’d been together long enough to talk about marriage.
And that part is your fault for withholding “the whole story” from someone so important to you.
Understandably, a reluctance to trust may stem from an experience with a hurt family member. If so, it points to another way forward. That means considering the pain you still have and getting treatment if needed so it doesn’t get in your way.
Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have been married for three years. His first 10 years of marriage ended in divorce 30 years ago. According to his ex-wife, he was not happily married.
However, he continues to refer to his ex as “wife” even in conversations and interviews. (He’s kind of a public figure.) When I ask him why he does that, he says he doesn’t like words like “ex-wife.” I suggested “first wife” or “wife at the time,” but he didn’t budge.
It feels rude. I find it strange that even now, 30 years after her divorce, she still thinks of her ex-husband as her “wife.” Am I overreacting?
— “Second” wife
“Second” wife: It will probably affect your marriage. Since she has such an ancient history, his expression probably has little correlation to his feelings for her.
What does respect mean? No, the reaction is insufficient. “He doesn’t budge,” say your public figure has a semantic preference, that is, an emphasis on appearance? —Beyond your own emotions. Boo. Even if you know very well who you married, you can express your feelings more strongly.