Most modern relationships are based on fear.
Marriage is more about possessiveness than love. There are many implicit codependent social contracts. Jealousy, gameplay, and manipulation are the default rather than the exception.
So if trying to own or control someone is a broken model of relationships, what does a healthy version look like?
Above all, love in a way that makes your partner more free.
And when I say free, I mean loving them in a way that makes them more themselves. The dance of intimacy is actually just a secret long-term therapy session in which each person slowly erodes their ego and dissolves into true connection and love.
A loving partnership is essentially a position of service.
Think of yourself as two sculptors chipping away at the remaining chunks of marble that have yet to be removed from an ever-evolving masterpiece. Or consider MC Escher’s “Drawing Hands.” The two hands draw each other towards a further stage of perfection.
photograph: fair useWikipedia
This concept is a direct metaphor for the healthiest relationships.
You bring yourself to your intimate partner and say, “I am now a complete work of art, and I trust that you will continue to help me move toward greater beauty and integration.” Masu. And you both engage in the act for each other at the same time.
So what would it actually look like to love them in a way that makes them more free? Essentially, you both have a vision of who you truly are, according to your own values.
Here are three examples of how you can hold each other to the vision of becoming your true selves.
1. Say that your shared vision of relationships boils down to “selfless contribution to the community around you.”
One day you realize how annoyed your partner is that everyone in your community wants their energy and attention, and how they’re thinking about going on a long solo trip. If you find someone talking about someone, it’s up to you to remind them of your heart. .
Sit them down and say: But this is exactly what we are trying to achieve. We are giving back as we wish. Could there be something else going on behind this desire to abandon responsibilities and run out of town? ”
Loving actions that will make your partner more free, in this case, probably won’t be the ones that will allow them to throw away their lives and go on a long vacation…it’s singing their heart’s songs. Will return it when they forget it.
2. Suppose the man you’re dating decides, after years of marriage, that he wants to sleep with other women.
He wants your relationship to be polyamorous so he can be sexually involved with other people. Now, society’s default may be to balk at principled proposals, but it’s worth embracing.
If this man marries his high school sweetheart (for example, his first sexual partner), perhaps short-term sexual involvement with others will help him open up further and grow as a person. Probably. Perhaps, as a short-term experiment, you could both benefit from engaging with others. That’s definitely something to discuss as a couple.
But if his desires are rooted in something that doesn’t sit well with his partner (for example, he fears growing intimacy in the relationship and secretly wants to put distance between them), then this Acting on his desires does not make him free. In fact, it would keep him locked up. He is a slave to his own mind.
3. Suppose you feel a strong attraction to someone.
It’s not just a temporary attraction, it’s a legitimate crush on someone you think would be a good partner for you. But he has only one problem. It’s just that the timing doesn’t work out the way you want it to. Maybe they just ended a long-term relationship and need time to process their feelings. Or maybe you’re not in a situation where committing to a relationship feels like an honor.
If you’re letting your ego take over, you’ll want to find a way to convince someone to date you anyway. Your head will overwhelm your heart and you will both suffer as you work your way out of fear.
If you are willing to love them in a way that allows them more freedom, even while you are not working with them, be willing to give them all the space and time they need. Sho. You will trust the ebbs and flows of life and know that if your relationship is meant to happen, it will eventually happen.
Whether you’re trusting more deeply in life’s timing, reminding your loved one of who you really are, or navigating a new phase in your relationship, intimacy is a never-ending dance.
Knowing how to best serve your partner in a relationship isn’t always black and white, nor is it easy. There are infinite nuances to helping someone become their authentic self.
But as long as you really listen, stay awake in the relationship, and keep your partner’s best interests in mind, I believe you will know what to do.
Jordan Gray for the 5th time #1 Amazon bestselling author, has over 10 years of experience as a speaker and relationship coach. His work has been featured in the New York Times, BBC, Forbes, Huffington Post, and more.
This article was originally published at: jordan gray consulting. Reprinted with permission from the author.