Dear Annie: It’s been 5 years since we first met, and I’m about to marry the woman I’m still madly in love with. Within two months of our first date, we both told each other that we were in love with each other and wanted to date each other exclusively. Yet, less than four months later, she lied to me and went out one night here and one night there under the pretense of going to see her sister, when in reality she had been away since high school. She was staying with a married man she knew. As I admitted, she had cheated on her late husband.
During our first year together, she tried to reassure me that it wasn’t physical, it was emotional. Should it be better? I told her that she knew how I felt and that she would appreciate it if she did not speak to this man at this time.
Still, one day she was showing me something on her phone and accidentally showed me a picture of us together. When I looked at her phone later, the date on her photo was recent. She lied to me about her whereabouts at the time. I questioned her about her ongoing relationship with this man. She refuses to admit that they are still meeting.
We have a long relationship and dating history. I figured it out. I’m not trying to control her, but I’m also not trying to share her. Not like this. Is it wrong to ask to see her phone records to see if she’s still talking or texting him before I say “I do”?I just have that question in my head, should I cancel? — I’m looking for information
For those looking for information: Checking her call logs may temporarily make you feel better, but it won’t actually heal the broken trust. In fact, in the long run, it may make things even worse, reinforcing the dynamics of having to play private detective to quell suspicions.
Unfortunately, it seems like your suspicions are well-founded. It’s okay for our loved ones to have friends of the opposite sex, and it’s okay for them to be platonic friends with their exes. However, there is a difference between friendship and emotional affairs. Your fiancé seems to be into the latter, and has been for a while. Given her history with this man, it’s understandable that you would be uncomfortable with her spending time with him. It hurts if she continues to do so even after you have expressed her displeasure. And the fact that she’s lying about meeting him is certainly a major cause for pause. Unless you can truly say “I do,” it’s probably best not to say it.
Please send any questions about Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.