As a baby boomer, I grew up in a conservative household that believed marriage was permanent and divorce was shameful no matter what.
I lived my married life with dignity and solemn lifelong determination. we had a child. we were miserable. We’ve been doing it for decades. We divorced after 30 years of marriage. People who get divorced after 25 years or more are in a strange club. People are often surprised and curious about why it happens and what it’s like.
People were definitely surprised by my words. I’ve only told my close friends and stayed off social media. So rumors inevitably spread, and my old acquaintances must have been shocked.
At first, I was emotionally raw and couldn’t handle the negative reactions.
After three years of separation and two years of divorce, I’m finally ready to talk. Because not all marriages are happy.
I am divorced after 30 years of marriage, and I wish my friends understood these nine things.
1. I won’t tell you the reason for the divorce.
I refuse to bash my ex-husband, fight on social media, or say anything publicly that could hurt my children. There’s not much to say about that.
2. I feel helpless when I think about what you think.
I can’t go into details, so I can’t defend myself or rally you to my side. Some of you may give me the benefit of the doubt. Others don’t, and it hurts.
3. I want you to know how boring the breakup was.
There was no infidelity, no violence, no alcohol or drug abuse. It was two flawed people who, despite doing what we thought they were supposed to do, ultimately couldn’t make the marriage work.
If you’ve heard something much more dramatic than that, it’s either a rumor or you don’t have all the information.
4. How surprised were you by our divorce?
Most of my best friends told me that we always seemed like a happy couple.
We didn’t show affection or try to pretend to be happy in front of others. We didn’t shout or argue in public.
In fact, we mostly ignored each other when there were other people around. The signs were there, but perhaps you were not aware of our inner misery.
Or maybe he didn’t say anything. Maybe I’m wrong to care about your opinion. Maybe you say, “Why didn’t I break up with you sooner?”
I’m curious but afraid to find out.
5. It was a tough decision.
You may have been surprised, but we weren’t. We had been struggling in our personal lives for years, even decades, more than I would like to admit.
What you didn’t see were the endless marriage counseling sessions that didn’t bring about change, the stoic determination to see it through, the overwhelming unhappiness and helplessness you felt, the hours spent weighing your options over and over again. It was a time of tears and intense fear of the unknown. .
We didn’t give up on our marriage easily or quickly.
6. I’m not saying everything was right.
I’ve made more mistakes, hurt people, learned, and am still growing more than I thought I would.
7. My biggest fear is that you will judge me.
If you have ever been through a divorce, you may understand why it happened.
But I’m worried that people who have great relationships and are always able to work things out will assume that any couple can make it work if they try. I mean.
I worry that people who have been in difficult relationships and grit their teeth and stay together will judge me for my decision to call it quits.
8. I have a lot of feelings about marriage and divorce.
My biggest regret is letting my children suffer from a bad marriage. I struggle with feeling like a failure. Did we really do everything we could to be together, or did we miss something?
You feel guilty for not giving more and angry that you sacrificed too much of yourself for too little in return. My soul is breaking because I believed for so long and nothing happened.
I find it embarrassing because falling in love and choosing someone as your soulmate or life partner is not like choosing a pair of jeans. It comes from deep within you as a person.
What does it say about me as a person that I made the irreversible mistake of choosing to marry someone who was never right for me? So you tried your best for over 30 years without success and gave up in your 50s?
On the other hand, since my divorce, I am proud of the success I have achieved on my own. I’m proud of my career and where I choose to live. I feel free.
I’m over 50 years old, I have a lot of life ahead of me, and life is fun. For the first time, I’m happy.
9. I desperately want to justify my decisions, but I try not to.
Everything inside me wants you to understand that I am “right” and that I am a good person. But I’m old enough to wonder if that’s true.
It’s true that I did the best I could, but it’s also true that I’m more flawed than I realized.
Getting divorced after 30 years means questioning your entire life and existence. What’s worse is that at this age there are a lot of things you can’t take back and there are people you can’t hurt.
It’s scary to face your own flaws. Finding the courage to face who you really are is like falling into a hole where you don’t know where you’ll end up.
I’m discovering that I’m right, I’m wrong, I’m messed up, but some things can’t be helped, I should have done better at other things, I can’t fix the past, but I can’t help it. is the best I can be and it’s okay to know that somehow I still have value and worth as a person.
There was no one else who was with me at the moment of my personal misfortune and decision.
I have reconsidered my choices many times and am finally able to accept myself and my situation. I’m happy and I hope my ex is too.
What I hope to receive from you is compassion, friendship, and support. I’m still me. I’m still the same responsible, decent, well-meaning, screwed-up person I’ve always been, but hopefully more lessons will be learned.
This is all I want you to know.
Frances Patton, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist specializing in couples and intimacy.