Do you sometimes feel suffocated in your marriage? Do you feel like you lack the freedom to be yourself?
This is a complaint we often receive at sex clinics. So when I met James at the clinic last week, I wasn’t surprised when he gave the same reason he couldn’t have sex with his wife. He was accompanied by his wife, who said they had not had sex for eight months.
“Not exactly eight months,” James interjected. “I’ve had sex three times in the last eight months.”
His wife Winnie countered, “That’s not true.” She said, “I’ve lost my erection three times in the last eight months, so you can’t call it sex.”
The couple, in their late 30s, have been married for seven years and have two children. The two had been having repeated disagreements for nearly two years, which led to them not having sex.
Nature has a way of forcing us to come together and start relationships. Because humans are what they are and cannot raise children without social support. Therefore, being obsessed with love and burning with sexual passion is a normal feeling when you meet a stranger that you are attracted to.
In the first few days of your relationship, you may have no control and may elope or disown your parents, relatives, and friends in search of this new found gem.
Nature dictates that you have sex with that person separately, and even more, before you realize the reality that you are giving up your autonomy, privacy, personal identity, and many things that would have satisfied your self-interest for that person. urges you to have children.
You begin to feel free again and to be yourself. At this point, you realize that society expects you to stay put. When you let go, laws, religions, cultures, and social structures all come out for your blood. You begin to think that the person you once loved is the cause of all your problems.
At this point, you direct your dissatisfaction to your spouse and a conflict erupts. It is unlikely that you will see anything good in that person. Everything they do is frustrating. You want to be let go, to be free, to feel in control of your life again. Make decisions without consulting anyone.
The only thing that can save your marriage at this point is your relationship skills. People who lack interpersonal skills escalate conflicts. Usually at this point, nature removes unnatural attachments and unrealistic feelings that your spouse is a gem that cannot be matched by anything in this world. If they weren’t there, your life would stop and you’d be better off dead.
Sex at this critical stage of the relationship is unsatisfying. Men easily lose their erection during sex. Women feel empty when it ends.
“But then, sir, if this is a natural stage in a relationship, what can we do to redeem ourselves?” asked Winnie, stealing a look at James, who was sitting still and staring into space.
I answered, “Creating balance is important. The relationship needs to recognize the individual’s identity in order to foster mutual connection between the couple.”
Be enthusiastic about contributing to the interests of your partners. Have the mindset that “I am here because you are here”.
At the same time, do not lose your identity, which attracted your partner to you. The ability to self-regulate and negotiate what is important to you while prioritizing the common good is paramount.
“But I don’t know if you answered the question of how to have sex again after not having sex for eight months,” Winnie said.
“Well, when you’re on a roller coaster of conflict, failed sex, and feeling enslaved in your relationship, you’re a good candidate for couples and marriage therapy.”