question:
I have someone I really like. We met on a dating app and things are going well, but I’m nervous about trying to take things further, such as a first date or casual flirting. He cancels dates he planned and confirmed and doesn’t respond to flirty text messages until I take action and ask what’s wrong and what he can do. I let them set the pace, ask questions about their mood, and try to find clear boundaries. They even assured me they are still interested, but I feel closed off and emotionally blocked. Is there anything I can do to help them trust me more? Maybe be less nervous about dating in general? I don’t want their fear to get in the way of what feels like a genuine connection.
answer:
I was once in a similar situation when I was single and in my early 20s. I really hit it off with a girl I met on Tinder and felt like we had a genuine connection. We were flirting on the app and it was fun. Many times, we made plans to go on dates IRL. She was bailed out at the last minute many times and intermittently ghosted. Each time, she reappeared as if nothing had happened. Sure, she would apologize, but the apologies were usually vague, short, and didn’t really invite conversation. The cycle would then repeat. I was mildly annoyed, but not directly asking why she kept bailing contributed to this pattern. I asked her how she was doing, how she was feeling, and if she wanted to continue her story (to which she always responded enthusiastically in the affirmative). But I never asked: Hey, is there any reason you’re uncomfortable taking the next step?
She was certainly aware of her actions. In fact, she became so anxious that I canceled so many times that she thought I was catfishing me since we had never met or communicated via video. She was worried that this might be the case, so she ended up sending me a video of herself speaking. TBH, that thought never even crossed my mind! Even though I found myself constantly waiting to hear from her, I dealt with her unpredictability by chasing other people on apps. (Sometimes I wonder if her reserved behavior contributed to how invested I felt in her. Admittedly, it’s not that big of a dynamic!) Right after I sent that video, she opened up. She said she realized she wasn’t ready to date, even though she thought she really was. She liked talking to me, but every time things felt more “real” she started getting scared. She had recently broken up and wanted to be ready to date again, but she wasn’t. And her body or brain was telling her that every time she tried to make concrete plans with me, she would just avoid it instead of communicating it. Probably because they felt it was easier to do so.
I don’t say this to suggest that the person you’re talking to is going through the exact same thing or isn’t ready to date. I’m just using my own example as a way to show that it’s really hard to know what’s going on with other people. In your case, it sounds like you are a better communicator than I am and give them ample opportunity to air and discuss their concerns. If you haven’t done so already, try asking clearly: Is there a reason why they tend to cancel dates or plans after confirmation? It’s not that you’re angry, but rather that you blame their behavior. Make it clear that you just want to hear their point of view, and not that you’re doing it. However, if they don’t want to share, that’s their choice too, but it’s yours to make. There’s no need to keep talking to someone who doesn’t match what you want and give in terms of intimacy and boundaries.
The difficult thing about matching apps is that it’s easy to quickly build a connection in terms of compatibility and trust. So even in the beginner or casual stages, it can feel like there’s an automatic sense of closeness and familiarity between the two of you. Of a date. In some cases, it’s easier to open things up through an app than in person. It’s not a false intimacy. It’s just different. This person is probably more comfortable in that space, but there still seems to be an emotional wall. I think there could be a few different things going on here. It may be similar to my situation, but this guy isn’t ready to date seriously, but he’s using apps to try to convince himself he is. Maybe this person just feels anxious or scared about dating in general and needs time to open up and commit. Perhaps this person is just emotionally closed off in many relationships. If that doesn’t work out, you can decide to move on to someone more suitable.
The only thing you can really do in providing support is ask them what they need from you to feel comfortable. Questions about their feelings should be asked directly and clearly. For example, instead of “How are you feeling?”, say “How are you feeling about your next date?” I hope they take the opportunity to be honest with you. However, I think it’s important to understand that some people turn to dating apps before they’re actually ready to date. This is because dating apps are seen as a low-risk environment. That’s not fair to someone who is genuinely looking for a connection. Some people are dating, and I think that’s just the reality sometimes. I hope you can find someone with whom you can have an open and intimate relationship, whether it is this person or someone else.