“How to Do It” is Slate magazine’s sex advice column. I have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich. Anonymous!
Dear How To Do It,
My husband and I had a baby 6 months ago and in the last 2 months we’ve gone back to having normal sex, which is great… except for one thing.
The problem is that we live in a one-room apartment. Our lease is up in a few months and we plan to move to a bigger place. In the meantime, we have the baby’s crib in the bedroom. I insist that we move the baby out of the room when we have sex, but my husband is not happy about this. He thinks that we should have sex inside the room because the baby is still small. I am worried that the subconscious memory of when we have sex will somehow remain with him and it will distort him. Moving the crib when I want to be alone is becoming a challenge. Am I right to be worried?
– I don’t need an audience
For those who don’t want an audience
The answer to the most direct question you pose is unfortunately vague. Developmental psychologist Andrew Bremner co-wrote a letter to the editor on the subject, published in the journal Trends in Cognitive Science earlier this year: “It is really difficult to establish when babies become conscious. This is mainly because infants are unable to report their experiences and, as most parents know, can be rather uncooperative, especially when it comes to experimental tasks.” Bremner says.
Still, the child Less than 6 monthsDon’t worry. Your child is at the age where this is an issue, but no one can be sure. your Experience. How good would sex really be if you couldn’t calm down with your child in the room? What’s wrong with moving the baby out of the room when it’s time to have sex? Why Not? Would you even do that? Is your husband’s resistance purely out of principle, or is there a good reason, like he doesn’t want a ghost in his living room messing with the baby and bothering him when he’s not around? If his reasons are simply fundamentally opposed to yours, you win the argument easily. Get the kid out of there and have fun.
Do you have any nagging (or completely inconsequential) questions about sex? I enjoy seeing your words in this column! Send now.
Dear How To Do It,
My long-time boyfriend and I enjoy group-sex events once or twice a month with a group of friends. One of our most fun games involves gathering three or four women together and blindfolding them. An equal number of men take turns performing cunnilingus on each woman, and then, after everyone has performed cunnilingus on everyone else, they have to guess which men performed in which order.
My boyfriend and I are both enthusiastic about the game, but there’s one problem: he has a beard. He’s the only one in the group with a beard, so it’s always obvious when it’s his turn. I think he should shave it for a change, but he flatly refuses. It’s ruining the game. Any ideas?
— Party games
To all party gamers
Mentally I agree. When choosing to play a game, one chooses to impose rules on oneself and the participants, hoping to overcome them and win. A game without rules is chaos. That said, beating your opponents is not the only bet here, so you can see why your boyfriend is hesitant to change his appearance, right? This game takes up just a small part of your daily life, whereas a beard is full-time. Also, this “game” seems to be a game in the same way that drinking games are games. Winning is nice, but not necessarily the objective. In a drinking game, the real objective is to get drunk, and in a swapping game, it’s to get a blowjob and give a blowjob. Everyone has already won before the champion is named.
So I think your boyfriend takes this fun, goofy thing with the right amount of seriousness. That means he doesn’t take it too seriously. At least, not as seriously as he would shave his beard. Even if you don’t agree with his priorities, you can see how he got there, right? I’m curious how the rest of the group feels about your husband’s beard being conclusive evidence. Does anyone care as much as you do? Did anyone say anything? If it were my group, I wouldn’t let someone who is this identifiable join… unless he’s really good at giving blowjobs. Your husband’s technique might weaken your argument. Still, this scenario is a win-win for everyone.
Dear How To Do It,
I’m a 60-year-old gay man and my husband is 70. We met during the AIDS epidemic and thought monogamy was a good idea at the time, but now I’m jealous of men who can have unprotected sex with multiple partners thanks to PrEP. To make matters worse, my husband is no longer interested in anal play, so our sex life has become limited to foreplay and oral sex.
I was prepared to unilaterally tell him I didn’t want another relationship, but a week before we had that difficult conversation I was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had not been fully informed by my medical professionals about how sexually destructive the treatments would be. (I’ve had 25 radiation treatments and am halfway through a six-month chemical castration.) I can honestly say that I have erectile dysfunction, I can’t orgasm, my penis has shrunk, and my libido is low. I think doctors don’t tell you these things because if they did, fewer men would choose treatment. I would never have said anything.
I saw a sex therapist, but all the upbeat talk about how other things are just as fun and that sex and intimacy don’t necessarily have to involve erections and orgasms just pissed me off. My husband is really trying, but touching and foreplay without erections and orgasms just makes me angry and sad, not satisfied. He says he still enjoys it, but I don’t believe him. If this disease is really the end of my sexuality, how do I accept it? I don’t want to live another 10 or 20 years with resentment and sadness. all time.
—Between difficult and easy situations
Dear Difficult Person,
I understand. Cancer is an incredibly difficult disease. Without it Sexual side effects, and it’s really unfortunate that it happened just as you were starting to wake up. But I think the most important thing you can do right now is to stay hopeful. Chemical Castration Not permanentI’m halfway through treatment and my libido is low right nowYour problem is common, Many ways forward Once your treatment is complete, it’s not over. Don’t think that your treatment is over.
In fact, there are a wide variety of post-surgery treatment options available: For erectile dysfunction, these include PDE5 inhibitors such as tadalafil and sildenafil; Johns Hopkins University says About 75% of men who have had nerve-sparing prostatectomy/radiation report achieving an erection using these medications. There are also options for injectables, pumps, and even penile implants. When it comes to regaining libido, Testosterone replacement therapy It is becoming increasingly common in patients after prostate cancer.
Right now, you’re in the thick of it and things look bleak. But there is hope. Between now and when your treatment is complete, Find a support groupYou are not alone, and experiencing community with people who have been through the same thing as you may be uplifting and foster that extra bit of hope you so desperately need.
Dear How To Do It,
I feel like such an ignorant person to feel this way, but… ever since our third child was born a few months ago, I have not felt any physical attraction to my wife. With the first two, even the horrible sleep-deprived days of newborn life never made it go away. But this time, I’m embarrassed to say that the pregnancy weight isn’t coming off as quickly/easily as it used to, and no matter how hard I try, I just can’t feel it. It wasn’t an issue before, we were both too tired and not often alone, but a few days ago, my wife asked me to approach her. I feel bad for being so shallow, but I don’t know how to get the desire back along with the love.
—Shallow Hal
Dear Shallow Hal,
Well, at the very least you’ll feel like an asshole. Glass BowlThat’s where self-awareness plays a role, and something many people lack. I’m not trying to be harsh here, but you and I both know you have to be pampering to your wife. She just had a baby. It’s been a few months. You can’t expect the weight to just come off naturally, and even if it didn’t…she just had a baby that you helped give birth to! I think it’s really terrible that your wife would be adversely affected by you after what you both went through.
But our bodies often function beyond reason, and lack of sexual desire is real and has physiological effects. Have you ever considered that you might just not be ready to return to sex? This suppressed attraction isn’t necessarily permanent. You’re in transition mode as a couple. Postpartum depression? It’s common among fathers! And your fatigue may be a contributing factor. Our culture tends to promote the idea that men are always ready for sex, and if you’re not ready and your partner is, it’s assumed that somehow they failed to meet expectations. This is nonsense. Check in and listen to yourself. Trust your body. If you’re not willing to initiate, you don’t have to, but assume your wife will.
Your problem This is common hereI think you can start slowly. Try to bring back intimacy — not necessarily jumping into intercourse, but cuddling, touching, kissing. You might be afraid that asking your wife to lose weight will upset her, but you can encourage exercise and healthy eating by suggesting that you do it together (for example, cooking together). If all else fails and you’re still not in the mood, counseling is of course an option, but hopefully time will be all you need to get things back on track. place.
Detailed instructions
Any advice, information, or comfort would be greatly appreciated. My fiance opened up to me tonight about his sexuality. We have been together for 6 years and are getting married in less than a month. I am very surprised and confused.