How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. I have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
dear way,
My long-time partner and I have a pretty solid relationship, and his family seems like nice people. We don’t see each other much because we live far away, but when we do, there’s one thing that bothers me. He and his mother kiss on the lips. It’s not obviously sexual, but it makes me feel sick and I don’t want to kiss him because all I can think of is him and his mother. I’m sure this is my own problem, but can I tell him it’s making me uncomfortable? To be honest, my family isn’t all that loving, so it’s hard for me to empathize with them. Is this worth bringing up? Should I just turn a blind eye in such a case?
–Would you kiss your mother’s mouth with those lips?
Dear lips,
I think you should stop doing that and let your partner do what they want. If he is free enough to kiss his mother on the lips within sight of others, it suggests that they have a close but not secret relationship. You can’t intervene there. Each family is its own world with its own rules, and you are an outsider by definition. Your opinion is far more likely to cause sadness and resentment than to cause change. For that matter, why should their relationship change based on your preferences? Regardless of modern conventions, “this is unpleasant” is not always a trigger for others to modify their behavior.
And in fact you already perceive the situation that way. You said that their kiss wasn’t “obviously” sexual and that you’re sure this is your own problem. When you think you have a problem, it’s up to you to solve it. Leaving these people in their care is a wonderful thing to exist in a cruel world.
dear way,
I’m a woman and have been in a long-term relationship with a man for about 11 years. We had our challenges, but I wouldn’t change the world for him. Last year, he came out as bisexual and we took the opportunity to be open about our relationship. For him it was to explore relationships with men and for me it was to explore sex with other people. Because he’s the only partner I’ve ever had. Our agreement is clear that this is only for the purpose of expanding the sexual experience. If you think feelings are starting to get involved, end the relationship so you can prioritize each other.
He found a friend on benefits who he has been seeing occasionally over the past few months. He doesn’t think he’s going to meet anyone yet, but he was able to talk to a man who works at a store near his workplace. We hit it off so well that one day we visited the store again to see if we could set up a date. It turns out he is married and monogamous, but we continued our conversation and are now good friends. Whenever I pass by a store, I stop by to say hello, and we often send messages to each other.
I’m obsessed with him because being wanted feels like an aphrodisiac, and it’s obvious he feels the same way. The problem is that I think he actually loves me. He regularly tells me I’m beautiful and sends me messages almost every day. He has also said several times that his marriage is unhappy because his wife can be controlling. In fact, his wife doesn’t like that he has a female friend, so he doesn’t dare to tell her about my existence.
I feel like I’m in a very sticky place ethically. If it were an option, I’d love to sleep with him — and my partner is totally on board with that, too — but I don’t feel comfortable encouraging cheating, so I’m not sure if he’s willing to sleep with me. That won’t happen unless things change. The problem is, I don’t want to stop seeing him or lose a potentially great friendship either, but am I leading him on or am I breaking my own obligations to my partner by getting too close? It means that he is worried that it may have happened. And I don’t want to risk my feelings getting even deeper than they already are.
What is the right thing to do here? This doesn’t seem like a sustainable position, but honestly I don’t know what’s best for everyone.
— Crazy about the guy in the store
Dear Crashing
“Ethically awkward place” is a rather kind way of putting it. It’s great to be kind to yourself. Recommended regularly. But there’s a fine line between that and freeing yourself. I know this guy is communicating with you behind his wife’s back. It sounds like his wife is in control based solely on the information he gives you (although that may be true of his emotional experience, it still seems like a biased perception of your relationship with him). complete description). While some may argue that it’s not cool for her to refuse to interact with other people, regardless of their gender, the content of these text messages is likely to make many otherwise tolerant partners Beyond what feels comfortable. You haven’t crossed any sexual boundaries yet, but if she reads your email correspondence, she will feel that your monogamous arrangement with her husband has been compromised. you know this.
Rather than doing something unnecessarily dramatic, why not just talk to the store staff? There isn’t much to lose other than the fantasy that is kept alive through interaction. We recommend that you tell him what you have entered here. “I don’t want to stop seeing you or lose a potentially great friendship, but I’m worried that I’ve destroyed my own friendship because I’m leading you on.” Too much creates obligations to your partner. ” You’ve shared so much together that I don’t think it’s inappropriate for you to be completely uncoupled like this.
Oh, and one more thing about this fantasy. He may feel some sort of infatuation with you. Or maybe he does indeed even feel love. But because so much of your relationship takes place over text messages and face-to-face meetings are sporadic, it mostly lives in each of your heads. . That doesn’t mean that the feelings that followed aren’t valid, but it does mean that consummating this, whatever it is, could make a big difference in your situation. Who knows what will happen to you if you are allowed free IRL. This is actually just to say that some perspective can be helpful and that perhaps the strength of this infatuation depends on how close you are at the moment.
dear way,
I’m a middle-aged single mother with several children. My first birth many years ago was traumatic and I have been suffering from urinary incontinence issues ever since. As I started paying more attention to my body, I realized that I too had been having problems with bowel incontinence for many years. These issues were not a big deal during our marriage.
However, I have been divorced for quite some time, and for many years after the divorce, my pelvic floor issues played a huge role in my search for sex/partners due to embarrassment and shame. I’ve been in physical therapy, had great doctors, and had some improvement in my pelvic floor function…enough improvement to feel comfortable having sex again. I’ve had sex a few times now and I’m excited to bring this part of me back to life. My incontinence has improved, but I still feel anxious when an accident occurs. My question is… when and how should I address pelvic floor issues with my partner?
-MS.elvis the pelvis
Dear Elvis
I understand your anxiety. I think any amount of incontinence is enough to make a person self-conscious, but your description sounds like a mild to moderate problem that is steadily improving. So you don’t really have to deal with a problem until it happens, and if it does, you only have to deal with it when it happens. An inattentive partner may think that the leakage you produce is just part of the general juices of sex and not urine at all. This may be something that only those who know how to look for it will notice. Keeping your partner in the dark can be beneficial for everyone.
But if it bothers you enough to distract you, tell your partner before sex that a spray or two might be involved. Just think it’s no big deal, and it probably isn’t. I wouldn’t do this a long time ago (i.e., don’t connect with someone on an app and then say, “Hi, sometimes I pee a little bit during sex. How’s it going?”) . Save it until just before you go to bed together. Or whatever feels right. You’ve done enough. In this case, the disclosure is you And peace of mind for you.
dear way,
My husband and I are both in our mid-30s and have been married for seven years. We dated for 5 years and lived together for most of that time before getting married. Our sex life was great.
The first three years of our marriage were long distance. It was tough, but we got through it. After we started living together again, we had a big problem in the bedroom. Most of the time, the husband can’t follow through. For the past few years we have been able to ignore this problem, but now it has become a big problem. Because we’re supposed to be trying to have a baby, and we’re getting close to the point where our fertility rapidly declines. I asked her husband to talk to her doctor and request ED medication, but he is too embarrassed to do so. This is not out of character for him, as he is naturally quiet and shy. He vows he wants a baby and wants to go through with it, but no matter how much encouragement and patience I try, he just can’t do it. How do I convince him that he needs help?
— Unsatisfied and out of time
Dear Out of Time,
ED drugs, by themselves, won’t help your husband ejaculate unless you have a problem with him going soft before he has a chance to cum. If that were the case, there would be a boutique industry of online pharmacies. he and roman It exists to make these drugs easier to obtain and less unpleasant for stakeholders. Depending on the state, this may require a phone/video conversation with your doctor, but is usually brief and one-off. Your husband isn’t the only one with a doctor allergy. In this column, we often hear from people who flatly refuse to receive reliable help with sexual health issues because they don’t want to or don’t want to talk to a doctor. I have a distrust of medicine. The health care system is imperfect, and people have good reason to be worried. But I think a lot of times this boils down to choosing to continue having problems because of self-consciousness. That choice has traditionally made little sense. “problem cause Self-consciousness. Let’s break the cycle!
If you are correct in your belief that your infertility concerns are just a physical problem, you have the following options: intrauterine insemination, a method in which sperm is placed directly into the uterus through a catheter. This can be a good option for someone who can ejaculate with masturbation, regardless of their performance during sex with their partner (although you noted that his ejaculation is sporadic, this means that he may ejaculate sometimes) ). If that is indeed the case, IUI could be a good solution for him, especially since IUI is considered a low-cost alternative to IVF. Of course, all of this requires the cooperation of a doctor.
I agree that your husband could use some form of therapy. These types of changes are worth making by your doctor. You can tell him that this is very important to you and that time is running out and action is needed. Is it worth giving him an ultimatum? Maybe not right now, but maybe in the future. You can also go down the path of combination therapy, as your presence may help solve his problems. sofa.
Detailed method
I’ve been dating a wonderful man for about six months. After a long relationship and a failed date, when I was fed up, I swiped right on a guy and we hit it off. It’s safe to say we’re in the puppy love stage. In front of him, I would have said that a big cock was a necessity. Deep and intense penetration was hot and essential for me. The term “size queen” comes to mind. I know it’s unfair, but “Little D” was a deal breaker. That’s exactly what it was for me. But something very different happened with my new boyfriend.