As a therapist and life transition coach, I have worked with many couples struggling with relationship issues. Most often, problems revolve around ineffective communication, mistrust, the need for power and control, and the pursuit of correctness.
To have a loving and prosperous relationship, couples need good energy flow and synergy. But it can be difficult to know where to start when it comes to creating this kind of synergy with each other, especially if you’re already facing relationship issues.
However, the five C’s are helpful to use as a guide. Each of these C’s is important and strengthens all the others. It also provides an opportunity to increase your levels of respect and trust, and increase your feeling of being valued, understood, and supported in your relationship.
For seriously deep love, follow the 5 C’s for a long-lasting relationship.
1. Chemistry
Chemistry is a natural reciprocal flow between each other. It’s not just about physical or sexual attractiveness. In fact, chemistry is much more than that.
A big part of chemistry is the desire to know more about the other person. In your desire to know more, you interact with each other with honesty, openness, curiosity, acceptance, respect, and sometimes even playfulness.
You acknowledge the connection and brilliance between you and allow it to unfold with honesty, openness, and willingness. They are also patient and mindful of the process of coming together, mindful of the possibilities the relationship brings.
Compatibility is important in a relationship, but it’s useless without certain aspects. For example, you can’t build a deep relationship if it’s based solely on chemistry. Rather, a true bond requires a more meaningful connection than mere attraction.
Things to be careful about: Focusing too much on expectations and outcomes disrupts the natural flow, energy, and synergy between two people.
2. Common goals
Goals give meaning and value to our lives. By building a common direction and goals, your relationship will have deeper meaning and connection. But it’s more than just enjoying the same TV shows and music.
Common goals include the present and the future – what you envision in 5, 10, or even 20 years. Unconditional love and conscious relationships consider individual goals and needs, but the value of shared aspirations and goals is equally important.
A lasting relationship is one in which both parties share the same goals. Of course, we also share the same morals and current and future plans. After all, you are sharing your life together.
Things to be careful about: Be careful not to let your personal goals detract from your common goals. Competing goals and directions create tension and conflict, leading to conditional love. The key is to strike a balance between the two.
3. Commitment
Relationship commitment is an agreement to love, be open, accepting, and faithful to your partner. The real purpose of commitment is to increase satisfaction, understanding, flexibility, connection, and choice. It’s a conscious choice to put your energy into your relationships and not just “yourself.”
Commitment means being willing to give of yourself without losing yourself in the commitment.
We choose to surrender to love. In this way, surrender does not mean losing or giving up. This type of renunciation helps us gain or benefit much more than we have to lose or give up. Its purpose is to complement or strengthen the self in the relationship.
Things to be careful about: Avoiding commitment or surrendering to love because of fear. Making a commitment can be difficult for some people because it can take them out of their comfort zone.
Below is a list of possible reasons why a person may be fearful, avoidant, and/or struggle with commitment.
- You recognize and believe that your personal “self” is threatened or threatened because of that commitment.
- If you recognize and believe that making a commitment is risky, you stand to lose more than you gain.
- Perception and belief that personal and/or professional freedom will be lost.
- When you need certainty, commitment can seem like stepping into unknown territory, creating uncertainty and a sense of loss of control.
- A feeling of weakness that my partner has discovered my flaws and weaknesses and doesn’t see me as good enough.
- Adverse experiences from past relationships where you or your partner felt traumatized, taken advantage of, rejected, betrayed, or humiliated.
4. Communication
In a romantic relationship, one partner may say or do something (intentionally or not) that is negative or hurtful to the other person. It may not be intentional, but the damage can be severe.
We can be triggered by this and become emotionally unconscious. We become reactive, defensive, or passive (which causes us to shut down). When this happens, communication can be confused, distorted, and misunderstood.
A big part of effective communication is staying aware, responding rather than reacting, and trying to understand the other person. It means listening and seeking to understand, and asking questions and seeking clarification to increase understanding.
When we feel heard and understood, we feel acknowledged and valued. Good communication strengthens trust and connections, and also leads to more effective problem-solving when conflicts arise. When thinking about communicating with your partner, you may find that you respond more effectively to certain phrases or tones of voice.
To facilitate that, express your needs and intentions as clearly as possible. Instead of using the word “you”, try speaking in the word “I”. That way your partner will understand that you’re coming from a positive place.
Things to be careful about: Another reason for poor communication is assuming or expecting someone to be able to read your mind. This will only cause misunderstanding, confusion, mistrust and conflict.
Good communication maintains a healthy balance between goals/our intentions and relationships. We often want to be heard more than we listen. The biggest problem in communication is not trying to understand. We listen to the reply.
If you focus on responding, you won’t be listening to what the other person is saying, and you won’t be able to truly understand them. We focus on the need for them to understand us.
Please be careful too: When you or your partner are too focused on a goal. Because they are likely to become more aggressive and demanding in the communication process.
If you care too much about the relationship (i.e., you don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings or cause conflict), you may become more passive and/or passive-aggressive in expressing your needs and acting.
Neither active nor passive communication styles are healthy or productive. With a proactive communication approach, you win and your partner loses. With a passive approach, you lose and your partner wins. Therefore, cooperation and agreement in the relationship will be an ongoing challenge.
5. Consensus
Consensus is the result of a conscious and unconditional relationship. It’s about cooperation and pursuing win-win results. Consensus keeps in mind the importance of both the goal and the relationship. Through dialogue, negotiation, and compromise, we enable mutual opinions and different ways of living.
Consensus requires effective and respectful communication skills, flexibility, and an openness to understand the other person’s perspective. While expressing my opinion. You need the ability and willingness to find common ground. Respecting individual differences and working toward similarities can help build consensus.
Things to be careful about: Achieving consensus can be difficult when the desire to have power over someone or to be right predominates. Shared responsibility and accountability is key to building consensus.
Relationships, like life, change and situations arise that can impact any of these C’s in counterproductive ways. Therefore, it is important to be aware of how life circumstances can affect these C’s, and that awareness is important for the relationship and for the love, compassion, and care for her two people within the relationship. It is an act of
david schroederCPC, LMSW, from Grand Rapids, Michigan, is a licensed social worker, certified life coach, and author of Just Be Love: Messages on the Spiritual and Human Journey.