I am 76 years old and have lived a full and interesting life. I recently received word from my doctor that the cancer I was treated for last year has returned and spread. I started a course of immunotherapy treatment, which should probably keep me cancer-free for the next two years.
I haven’t told my wife, son, or friends about this. I don’t want to feel pity for two years. I would rather enjoy life with everyone as before and announce the news only when the time is right.
Only a small number of my cancer patients survive beyond an average of two years with treatment, but it would be foolish to rely on that. I can also imagine everyone hoping against their hopes and being devastated when the miracle doesn’t happen. Is it wrong to keep this a secret from loved ones? — Name withheld
From an ethicist:
Of course, the decision whether to disclose your situation is up to you. But living with secrets can be isolating, and sharing your news with your wife and son can at least ease the burden. And your loved ones will want to feel like they’ve done everything they can to support you during this time. They may be saddened to learn later that you faced the diagnosis alone. It should also be kept in mind that treatment can have side effects and that there is rarely a linear decline in health status. Your condition may become apparent much sooner than you had planned, leaving those around you confused and hurt that you are unprepared. Depriving your loved ones of the facts deprives them of the opportunity to move into the future with you. You want them to accept this important truth because your diagnosis will affect their lives as well.
If you’re afraid of a cavalcade of sympathetic looks and aggressive sympathies (“No, really, how?” teeth you? ”), tell your loved ones that this is not what you want. You accept what is happening and live life as usual for as long as possible, hoping to share it. In his memoirs, Martin Amis, who passed away this year, wrote about birth and death as “ordinary miracles and ordinary disasters.” (In a normal miracle, two people enter the room and three people come out. In a normal disaster, one person enters the room and no one comes out.) To process your bad news. Give time to your nearest and dearest. Even if the situation is dire, it may become routine for them.
Reader reaction
The last column was a question from a reader who was considering proposing to his girlfriend. She preferred a natural diamond engagement ring, but he had ethical and cost concerns about that type of stone. He writes: “I’m leaning heavily towards lab-grown diamonds. However, I know that my girlfriend is only interested in large natural diamonds and would be extremely upset if given a lab diamond. I thought about telling her that it’s a natural diamond, because the only way to find out is when a jeweler uses an expensive loupe or when I have the ring appraised for insurance purposes. Yes, this is a big risk. What should I do?”
In their response, the ethicist states: You are free to tell your girlfriend that you don’t want to buy natural diamonds. However, the deception you are considering would be very disrespectful to her and her desires and would be a very ominous step towards her marriage. That ring is a promise, and you will prove that you cannot be trusted to keep it. ” (Please reread the full question and answer) here. )
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I understand your concerns about Environmental and ethical issues are an issue, but has the letter writer ever considered vintage items? For example, I shop at thrift stores to avoid contributing to the fast fashion industry. If you buy second-hand, you won’t be participating in the same toxic market, and your rings (like my own engagement ring) will be even more unique. — Elizabeth
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This answer from an ethicist stands out In that it is completely clear and completely on point compared to many others. Sorry, Ring Buyer, but the very fact that you asked this question makes it clear to all of us that your girlfriend is considering a long-term relationship with someone she shouldn’t trust. became. — david
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A good response from an ethicist. I would like to add that the bride-to-be herself may also have issues. Her desire for natural gemstones rather than cultivated gemstones suggests that for her it is more about the stone than about the relationship between two people who care for each other. — lorry
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agree to marry It’s not a good idea to involve deception, but the author also seems to have a social conscience and wants to contribute as much as he can to reducing cheap labor and poor working conditions. What would happen if we all purchased products using the criteria that our purchases themselves had negligible impact on other people and the environment? — steve
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Yes, there are many individuals Many people want an engagement ring with a diamond in it, but it’s important to remember that the idea of a diamond as an engagement ring was developed by the diamond industry as a way to sell more diamonds. . “A Diamond Is Forever” is one of his most successful advertising campaigns of all time. This essentially created a market for diamonds at a time when diamonds did not exist before. — angela