Each week, Dear Prudence answers additional questions from readers. Slate Plus Member. Submit your question here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
About a year ago, I asked my wife for a divorce. We got married about 10 years ago when same-sex marriage became legal in nearby jurisdictions, but we’ve been together for 20 years. The reason I asked for a divorce was because I developed feelings for another person and realized that I had been unhappy for a long time.
The other woman was also married and it wasn’t convenient, but I didn’t think it would be fair to either my wife or myself to stay married. After leaving home, I continued to support my wife financially. We live in a state that requires a long separation period and it will still be several months before we can file for divorce. I know she would have a really hard time without my help, but to tell you the truth, this is one of the reasons I had to end my marriage. She refuses to take any responsibility.
And I feel like I’m drowning in maintaining two households. She doesn’t want her to suffer, but she doesn’t think she can stay like this after the divorce. How can she convince herself that she knows that she probably won’t be able to live her life the way she used to and will be miserable?
–I’m still curious though…
Dear I Still Care,
If you care about your spouse so much that you can’t bear to see them suffer as a result of the divorce, that’s a good reason to stay in the marriage and do your best to resolve the issue. It definitely seems like it’s too late here, but the reality remains that you can’t have it all. In other words, you have the right to end a marriage that isn’t working out for whatever reason, but that doesn’t guarantee that you’ll be free from painful emotions like sadness and guilt. There’s a reason why divorce is still considered a stressful (and often expensive!) life event, even though it’s far less stigmatized than it used to be. People who want to break up simply cope with all their fears and difficult emotions because they believe that what is on the other side is worth it and is what they need.
Yes, your wife’s lifestyle will suffer as a result of less money. And your feelings will get hurt as a result of you recognizing that and caring about her girlfriend. You can record these facts as “divorce is difficult” and try to accept them, while at the same time minimizing the intensity of your guilt. Some ideas on how to do that: 1) Remember she is an adult and she can make her own choices that may lead to more income or support. You are not solely responsible for her happiness. 2) Think a little bit about what you’re going to do. 3) Communicate it as clearly and consistently as possible (and with enough warning so she can prepare and adjust). Possible.
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I’ve always been a fan of “it’s better to give than to receive,” but is it in bad taste to stop interacting with people who are likely to give you a gift just because you have something to give? My husband and I always try to give thoughtful gifts that are relevant to the recipient’s interests, but we often end up with useless gifts (pajama sets that don’t fit, oversized coffee mugs, wine we don’t drink, etc.). We’ve been telling them “you have to save money” these days because all you do is change money and shop for your children so as not to hurt their feelings. Ta. Is our way of thinking wrong?