sex and relationships
News.com.au’s resident sexologist explains why sex on the first date shouldn’t ruin your chances of marriage.
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Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column. We will solve all your love problems.
This week, resident sexologist Isaiah McKimmie explains “attachment styles” and why outdated theories about dating and sex aren’t universal.
question: I’m a 29 year old woman who has been dating for most of my 20’s hoping to find a husband with whom we can start a family.
I use regular dating apps and am trying to date men who are looking for something serious. Once you feel a connection, there is nothing wrong with having sex with a man on the first or second date. But my friend says that the reason I can’t find a husband is because I’m sexually available, that I “make men keep asking for more” and that they don’t sleep together until they’ve been on at least 10 dates. I’m saying you have to do it like this. Is it an old way of thinking? It’s 2024 after all!
answer: I have to say that I agree with you on this. Your friend has a rather narrow and simplistic view of what creates a lasting relationship, and research doesn’t support her theory. Some may think this view is outdated and perhaps misogynistic.
Successful relationships begin in many ways
I know many couples who had sex on the first or second date and went on to have healthy, happy relationships. I also know couples who started out doing something casual together and realized that their relationship slowly developed into something deeper.
Find someone who matches your values
It is important to eventually meet someone who has the same values as you.
It seems like your friend has particular values about sex and relationships, and is likely in a relationship that reflects those values and beliefs. That relationship dynamic is probably not right for you.
Research Doesn’t Support Your Friend’s Theory
As far as research goes, there’s little to support your friend’s anecdotal claims.
By the way, some studies have shown that couples who don’t have sex until marriage have higher relationship satisfaction. However, I cannot stress this enough that these studies have been criticized for being limited and conservatively biased, and should not be presumed to be universal.
Finding the right relationship can take time
Dating can be difficult and finding the right person can take time. That doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong or that there’s something wrong with your approach.
There may be no reason at all why you haven’t found the right person yet.
There may be a pattern you can consider
If you’re worried that you haven’t found the right person yet, or if you’ve noticed unhelpful patterns in the men you’re dating, here are some things to consider.
If you don’t already know, learning about your attachment style can be very helpful.
Over the past few years, attachment styles have made significant inroads into pop psychology. But there is real and reliable research behind it. Attachment styles are like a blueprint for how we show up in our relationships.
Knowing your attachment style can help you understand your needs in relationships, any maladaptive coping strategies, and conflict styles that may emerge.
Understanding your attachment style will help you understand all relationships and find a partner that is compatible with you.
There are many free online quizzes available to help you understand your attachment style. this is here.
If you come to me for therapy, I have some other questions that may be helpful to consider.
• Is there a pattern in terms of the people you are attracted to?
• Is there a pattern to why your relationships end?
• Is it too early to get excited about our future together?
• Are you disappointed when your relationship doesn’t progress even after you sleep together?
You may feel okay about all this. that’s ok. If you have questions or concerns, it may be helpful to contact your therapist. Friends often have the best intentions, but a therapist can provide an unbiased, research-based perspective along with helpful practical tools.
The most important thing is to trust yourself
What I’m really saying is that you can trust your own judgment about what will and won’t work in a relationship.
Thank your friends for looking out for you and see a qualified therapist if necessary. However, believe in yourself and make the decisions that feel right for you.
Isaiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist, and instructor.To book a session with her please visit her Website or follow her Instagram Need more advice on relationships, sex, and intimacy? If you have any questions for Isiah, please email relationships.rehab@news.com.au.
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