You’ve just met someone new and can’t help but ask yourself, “Is he the one?” You’re probably tallying all these checkboxes.
Is he attractive? Do you enjoy being together? Do you have common interests?
If the answer is no, you can’t date, but at the end of the day, those checkboxes don’t tell you a single thing you need to know.
Maybe you’ve mentally fast-forwarded through a possible future with this person: Does he love kids? Is he building a career? Is he faithful? Is he going to make a promise that might lead to marriage?
These are all qualities worth considering for a long-term relationship, but at the end of the day, they’re not the only things you need to know.
Here’s how to really tell if he’s who he says he is.
1. Ask, “Will this person be willing to work with me on a difficult task, large or small?”
That probably doesn’t sound very romantic.
But after decades of working with New York couples from all over the country and around the world, not to mention decades of my own marriage, I am reminded of this every day.
Even couples who care deeply about each other can end up hurting each other’s feelings, and even with the best of intentions, misunderstandings can occur on a regular basis.
That’s why a healthy relationship is about working together to overcome difficult situations.
No matter how magically in love you are now, no matter how happy you are, the two of you will come into conflict.
It could be something as small as whether or not you make your bed every day or how punctual you are.
Or you may face bigger problems (for example, if you want to get married or have children).
Either way, your success as a couple depends on your mutual commitment. address those conflicts togethermove on.
How do you know if your partner is? one thing? Well, a partner who works with you doesn’t necessarily think they’re right.?
2. We ask for an attitude of listening to both parties’ opinions.
The partner you work with will ask you what you want upfront, rather than suffering in silence or blaming yourself for not doing it later.
The person you work with will be flexible, not a doormat, and happy to brainstorm solutions to concerns and problems rather than digging into their opinions.
They show empathy and try to see things from your perspective as well as their own.
Rather than attacking or scolding you, this partner will raise concerns clearly and gently, focusing on what you’ll do differently next time rather than how bad you are.
3. When you’re upset about something, your partner doesn’t shut up or get defensive.
They may find your words difficult to hear, but they care and want to hear. rI agree.
A partner who has this much will not try to win every argument.
Instead, they will understand the conflict as an opportunity to understand each other better and develop their relationship.
Think of your relationship like a house you build together.
Every time you address a concern or conflict, your partner adds a brick or breaks down a wall to make the house more solid.
It all depends on how you approach things.
For most of us, tackling things doesn’t come naturally. Partners can learn how.
If relationships are important to you, read these books: John Gottman, Sue Johnson, or Stan Tatkin useful. Or, find a practicing couples therapist who can provide coaching.
So, as you are thinking, promise a future togetherthat’s the only thing you should look for in your potential life partner: the ability and willingness to tackle difficult things.
And, of course, this is a necessary quality in yourself. Is there one thing?
Gene Fitzpatrick is a marriage counselor and psychotherapist who has served couples and individuals in the New York area for over 20 years. As a relationship therapist, Jean helps busy people “expand their relationship toolkit” and discover new ways to connect with the people they love.