The idea that two people become one in marriage is deeply ingrained in our culture, from lighting a “unity candle” at a wedding to calling one’s partner “the other.” It shows in the form. Heck, even the Spice Girls famously wrote a (very good) song about it in the ’90s.
But is it healthy to completely integrate yourself with others? Can you be a good partner to others if you are subsumed? One man online thinks that’s not the case, especially when men are involved.
He says the idea that two people will be together forever is a “bait and switch” that destroys marriages.
TikToker J. Fisher, also known as @jfisher62 on the app, recently delved into this topic while discussing what he learned from his own marital difficulties. And as a former evangelical Christian who is trying to overcome the influence that religion and patriarchal culture have had on her as her husband, Fisher challenges the idea that walking down the aisle “brings two people together.” chanting.
Fisher explained that she was raised in a “fundamentalist Christian worldview” that marriage should not only be about two people merging into one, but should last forever. “These ideas, especially if they are not challenged, can be not only lacking, but harmful.”
Fisher feels that the concept of marriage being “forever” gives people permission to take their partners and relationships for granted.
Fisher explained that the traditional idea that marriage is a lifelong commitment is essentially an excuse to avoid working on relationships and for people in relationships to avoid working on themselves. “The idea that divorce is not an option in a marriage leads people to prioritize the institution over the relationship,” Fisher said.
As an anxious person, he said, the idea of an eternal partnership was particularly appealing to him because of the comfort it offered. “I’m not going anywhere, I wish I had someone to love,” he said.
If that sounds like I’m taking my wife for granted, that’s no coincidence. Fisher said she did just that because she believed the word “forever” meant “unlimited time” to resolve marital problems.
“‘Eternal Marriage’ sends the message that marriage is not just for today,” he said frankly. And this concept is the basis of what he calls the “bait and switch” of traditional thinking about marriage.
Fisher says the idea of two becoming one causes partners, especially men, to seek trust only from their spouse.
“The truth is, as soon as we got married, I stopped seeing her as an outsider,” Fisher said. “I saw her as her inner source, an extension of her self.” Of course, that’s a problem in itself. After all, that is one definition of codependency.
But in Fisher’s case, it compounded an even bigger problem: the lack of effort she had put into herself before marriage. “I didn’t know how to love her, because I didn’t know her way to love myself,” he said. “I would have told her back then that I trust her and that I love her with all my heart.”
But there were times, he said, when he could tell his wife didn’t fully believe in him, adding: “I had an incredible lack of self-insight and self-reflection.”
This lack of what he called “self-insight” in turn created an even bigger problem. An “overconfidence bias” regarding the skills he brings to the partnership, and an “optimism bias” that provides a false sense of security. that he and his wife would never divorce.
Fisher continued: “The danger of thinking something can’t happen to you is that you’re doing little to prepare to avoid that outcome.”
Experts say Fisher’s take on our long-held beliefs about marriage is definitely on point.
Psychologist Kelly Ann Garnett said seeking approval from your partner is actually one of the key indicators that you’re not ready for a serious relationship in the first place. It also shows that you don’t love yourself enough to truly be there for your partner.
And what about the idea of two becoming one? Well, many experts say that maintaining a sense of individuality is actually a make-or-break asset in a healthy marriage. So maybe it’s time for us to update our tried-and-true views on how marriage should work.
And from now on, leave it to the Spice Girls to “bring two people together.”
John Sundholm is a news and entertainment writer covering topics related to pop culture, social justice, and the good of humanity.