As a marriage counselor, I support men and women in relationship crises and help my clients overcome a variety of issues. Although many situations are complex, there is one very simple truth that men should know. It means that a woman leaves the man she loves.
They feel terrible about it. It breaks their hearts. But they do it. They gather their courage and resources and leave.
A woman breaks up with a man she has children with, owns a home with, and lives with.
There are many reasons why women leave, but there’s one reason in particular that bothers me and I want men to understand.
Women leave because they don’t have men.
He works, plays golf, plays games, watches TV, fishes…the list is long.
These people are not bad people. they’re good people. They are good fathers. They support their families. They are nice and likable.
But they take their wives for granted. they don’t exist.
Women say to me, “Someone may come and sweep me off my feet from under my husband.” Sometimes that realization scares them. Sometimes it makes them cry.
Men, I’m not saying this is right or wrong. I’ll tell you what I saw. You can be as angry, hurt, and resentful as you want.
Your wife is not your property. She doesn’t owe you a soul. you earn it. Every day, every moment.
You attract her first and foremost with your presence, your lively attitude.
She needs to feel it. She wants to talk to you about things that are important to her and feel like you are listening to her. Not nodding politely. I won’t appease you. And by no means am I playing devil’s advocate.
She wants you to feel herself. She doesn’t want some absent-minded molestation or quick sex. She wants to feel your passion.
Can you feel your passion? Can you show it to her girlfriend? It’s not just about your girlfriend’s passion for her or her physical intimacy. Your passion for living. did you get it? It’s the most attractive thing you have. If you lost it, why? Where did it go? Find it. find it. If you don’t discover it, you’re living on borrowed time.
If you think you’re with your wife, listen to what she has to say.
Is your mind wandering? News. How deeply do you understand her when you look at her? Look again and look deeper.
Hold her gaze for longer than usual and longer than is comfortable. If she asks what you’re doing, say, “I’m looking into you. I want to take a deep look into you. I’m curious about who you are. After all these years, Even now, I still want to know who you are.” ” But only say it if you really mean it and you know it’s true.
Touch her with all your attention. Before you put your hand on her girlfriend, notice how her hand feels. Notice what happens the moment you make contact. what is happening inside your body? what do you feel? Pay attention to the most subtle sensations and emotions. (This is sometimes described as mindfulness.) Tell your girlfriend step by step everything you notice about her.
But you are “busy”. You “don’t have time for that.” Is it about 5 minutes? 5 minutes a day. do you commit to it? I’m not talking about fancy dinners or date nights (although those are fine too). I’m talking about five minutes a day to be fully present with the woman in your life.
To be completely open – to listen and see without judgment. Would you do that? I’m sure once you start, you won’t be able to stop once you get a taste of it.
judge champfarber I am a counselor and certified Hakomi therapist who provides individual counseling, marriage counseling, coaching and mentoring to individuals and couples on issues that can make or break a relationship.
This article was originally published at: HuffPost. Reprinted with permission from the author.