We’re in the kitchen in Bath, and my parents are doing their usual comedy duo. That means their marriage.
The exact details vary, but are usually food related. My dad is the kind of person who starts thinking about lunch at 11am. “But I just ate breakfast,” my mother would scream.
Adult children rarely get the chance to take a long, hard look at their parents’ relationships, but I’ve been sitting ringside for almost three years as a COVID-19 boomerang sent home “home” for the pandemic.
When I sold my London apartment at age 30, I never thought I would learn anything about relationships from my parents. I am a dating columnist and an expert on romantic issues, and they have been a stable, old-fashioned backdrop to my exciting life.
But to my surprise, I realized that my generation had a lot to learn from them and every reason to envy them.
I recently flew back to Glasgow and found myself in a new meeting place with new rules of love, much like the pot I stole from their kitchen. .
Here’s what my baby boomer parents’ marriage taught me about love. . .
Don’t give up when things get difficult
Millennials like myself are proud to say that finding the perfect relationship has become much easier than it was in our parents’ days, thanks to the endless options modern online dating offers.
We now know that it makes us even more annoying and less willing to work on the problem. No one sticks like my parents and I wonder if we will either. But now I know I have a good chance of giving someone a good chance. After all, nothing is perfect.
All encounters with ‘The One’ depend on chance
With the proliferation of apps, modern dating is getting faster and faster, and young people are hopping from one contact to the next in search of their perfect match.
But the more relationships you have, the less likely you are to reconcile. we don’t have the staying power.
My parents met in London in the 1980s through an advertisement my father placed in Time Out magazine. My mother was the fourth woman he met.
“Everything is a coincidence,” my father told me. I was surprised to hear that. Because coincidences can be very dangerous. That’s part of the reason my generation swipe over and over again, trying to increase their odds.
Lesson learned: Don’t worry, you still have time.
It’s the little things that really matter
Having grown up watching Hollywood movies, it’s easy to think that love is all about grand gestures.
But I’ve come to realize that love is really about the respect you show to others, or the way you show that you care about them. Her father cut the grass in her mother’s field, and her mother, knowing her father’s obsession with fried eggs, bought her some fried egg crisps at a fancy wine bar.
So when I returned to the house of the man I was dating and found the place dirty and no hot water, I realized that these did not indicate that anyone cared.
Conversely, a recent date brought me a lovely scented candle, and I appreciated the gesture, realizing that I had many in my apartment.
Nice couples aren’t the sticky type
My father is the type to make small problems dramatic, and my mother is a patient partner who chooses to fight with herself.
he is an introvert She loves big gatherings. Are opposites attracted? Or are mothers happier with sociable people instead of the opposite? I realized that the fact that they weren’t hip-jointed was one of the reasons their marriage was going well.
It turns out that great couples don’t have to do everything together. My parents have many common interests, but they also exist as separate individuals who have chosen to spend their lives together. And I now understand the value of space that allows love to thrive long term.
Deliveroo?Serving food made with love
What I also learned is how much domestic offerings mean to someone. My father is an excellent cook and he always prepares something for dinner, but I am of the Deliveroo generation and am used to ordering.
Watching him made me want to learn to cook and one day I would know how to make something amazing for someone else.
As for weaknesses, my father rarely surprised my mother with flowers or gifts. I remembered that and thought that if I was lucky enough to find a life partner, I would try.
My mother’s weakness is that after a few glasses of wine she gets a little moody and emotional. I have it too. But Dad understands this all too well.
Indeed, I loved how tolerant the two of them were to the shortcomings that my generation, the grass is green generation, might end the relationship.
Laughter is the glue of relationships
What stood out the most was that our home was full of humor.
I made a note of their funniest words and decided to read them aloud at night. They found these conversations really more hysterical than the actual ones.
They were talking like a two-man show, and I often felt like I was in some kind of country farce.
And some things I can’t miss. . .
There are things that no one wants to tell their parents about. It was just embarrassing to sneak back into a successful date.
“You will never get used to young people going to bed early together,” said my mother. Was I being humiliated by my mother?
The worst part was when my dad told me that men were always interested when women kept them waiting.
No one wants to talk about sex with their father.
My younger brother got married this year, so I thought I might get married and have a child in the future.
I hope modern dating hasn’t completely ruined me and kept me from being with anyone for more than six months. But I now think I have a better chance of finding lasting love because my parents cemented the idea of what life means when you’re with someone else.